Norm Macdonald: Hitler's Dog, Gossip & Trickery Page #2

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20 years have passed.

Sadly, 30 years have passed.

And still...

no flash-

What a gyp that turned out to be.

I...

Just more horseshit

by the big acid companies if you ask me.

I don't want to...

I don't want to get too political, but...

...if you think big acid...

cares about you, the little guy...

They care about

their third-quarter profits.

That's what they care about.

You know, my friend is a vegetarian.

And have you ever been wrong,

and you suddenly realize,

you know, like...

Because she... all her arguments

are right about vegetarianism.

She'll go, like,

"How can you kill an animal

when you can get the same

from the grass of the field?

It makes no sense. "

And then I go, "I like pork. "

So...

Of course, she's right...

and I'm wrong.

And it's weird

when you realize you have been wrong

about everything that you ever believed -

about vegetarianism, not everything.

Imagine if you woke up and you realized

you were wrong about everything.

You just woke up and you go,

"Goddamn. I have been wrong about

every single thing I have ever believed. "

Then it's time to go down to

the rope store in my opinion, because...

...it's not going to get better, you know?

Go to the rope store -

that's my suggestion to you...

and get a hunk of rope about this big...

and then go to the rickety-stool store.

And, listen, it's no coincidence

that the rope store

and the rickety-stool store

are always right beside each other, right?

I don't want to get political

or anything like that, but...

When people commit suicide, no one

ever understands. You know what I mean?

People commit suicide and people go,

"I don't understand why,"

and I go, "You don't?"

"What, do you live in a cotton-candy house

or something? What the f***?"

"You don't know about life?"

"How it only disappoints and...

gets worse and worse,

until it ends in a catastrophe?"

"What the f***?"

There's two reasons

guys will hang themselves from the neck.

One is, like we said,

to escape this worthless masquerade

of a life we pretend we have.

And the second reason we hang ourselves

from the neck is to whack off.

These guys...

...I don't understand.

It's called autoerotic asphyxiation.

It's a big, fancy word,

but it's a filthy thing.

And this is my problem with it.

The risk-reward...

...is not good.

And I know of the reward

because I read about it.

Apparently, by cutting off the oxygen,

or something like that,

you increase your orgasm

until it's

one-and-a-half times as powerful

as the one you had

the Thursday before last.

Is that really that important?

I mean,

we have a lot of things in this country.

You know, it's raining in the forest.

There's all kinds of sh*t we have

to think about... let alone whacking off.

That's our big problem?

But the risk - good Lord!

People always wonder,

"What happens after you die?"

No one knows, you know?

People pretend to know,

but no one knows

what happens after you die.

But I know what happens to you

right after you die.

I know what happens

directly after you die.

You are found.

And this is where it gets tricky.

And it's always by a loved one.

You know?

And you don't want your son walking in,

going, "Ah! What the f***?"

"What the f*** is Dad...

What kind... Huh?"

And that's how you'll be remembered

forever, you know?

It doesn't matter

what else you accomplish in life.

See, people are under the misapprehension

that their life is like a motion picture

that will be remembered as such,

but it's not.

It's just a photograph, you know?

A still photograph,

and that's unfortunately how it is.

But, you know, like,

if you think your son

will remember you as,

"I remember my dad took me

to Disneyland in the blistering heat,

and, by God, he stood in line

to get Mickey Mouse's autograph.

It took him two hours.

It was for me. He knew it wasn't

the real Mickey Mouse. He had to have. "

"It was an unemployed college kid. "

"And yet he stayed - stayed for me. "

"Dad. "

"He had two jobs.

You know, to put food on my plate,

and my brother's and my mom's. "

"Two jobs.

And I remember one time -

I'll never forget it -

he came home late at night

and I was in bed.

I was pretending to be asleep,

but I wasn't.

And he came in,

and he was very quiet,

and he came up to me,

and he kissed me

on that area between my uh...

my um... forehead

and the bridge of my nose.

He kissed me right there,

and he said -

quietly, so as not to wake me -

'I love you, son,'

and then he left.

And the next day, I wanted to say

something to him at the breakfast table,

but he was already out,

he was driving hack.

That was his second job. "

"But, my God, my dad... "

Anyways, they don't remember that at all.

All they remember is...

"Ah!"

You know? Because...

Unfortunately,

that's the way human beings are.

I think if I were to do it -

and I don't think I ever would...

But you never know.

You can't predict the future.

I could wake up one day and go,

"I want to have one of them orgasms

that's uh...

three-over-two times as strong as the... "

"I knew that advanced-math degree

was going to come in handy sometimes,

I just did not know when. "

This is what I would do

if it ever happened to me.

I would disguise it

so it looked like an actual suicide,

because then, when I was found,

my son wouldn't go, "Ah!"

he would go, "Oh! Oh, mysterious. "

"Dad's a mysterious guy. "

"This is going to be

a pretty cool story for me right now. "

So I would pretend, you know,

that it was a... it was a real suicide.

Like, I would write a note -

a suicide note.

Do you think this would be funny,

just as a practical joke,

if you just wrote a suicide note

and just blamed some random guy?

Do you think that would be...

Do you know what I mean?

You know, like, your barber

or something like that, you know?

You go,

"It was all Ralph Abernathy's fault!"

Because you know the police

would be compelled

to go to Abernathy's barber shop...

and go, "Have you ever heard of a fellow,

name of Norm Macdonald?"

The guy goes, "Yeah, he would come in

every couple of months for a trim. "

"Oh, OK. Well, anyways,

he took his life because of you. "

"He wrote it here in this letter.

Would you like to keep the...?"

Then Ralph Abernethy would have to spend

the rest of his life walking down...

Life's hard enough

without having to walk...

That's not a good practical joke.

I should never have...

framed that as a good practical joke,

because it's probably

the worst practical joke...

You know?

It's the kind of practical joke that gets

you raped by the devil for all of time.

I uh came here from Las Vegas, Nevada,

and when I was at the air...

Uh...

Where do airplanes go from? Airports.

I was in the airport,

and guys were asking me for my ID,

and it occurred to me

that ID is a strange abbreviation,

because "I" is short for "I,"

and then "D"...

is short for "dentification," so...

...it seems to me

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