Norm Macdonald: Hitler's Dog, Gossip & Trickery Page #3

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"D" is doing most of the...

legwork on that one.

But Vegas was cool.

They have a motto in Vegas.

They got their own slogan for the city.

It says:

"What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. "

Which is not true.

You know, you can't kill a guy

and then just leave, you know?

They'll follow you, they'll find you,

they'll bring you back, and they'll

try you in front of a jury of your peers.

So I thought, well,

what does it mean, anyways, you know?

And I ruminated about it,

days and days and nights.

Sleepless weeks

became sleepless more weeks.

And, finally, it occurred to me.

It was so simple.

It was right in front of my face

the entire time.

"Whatever happens in Vegas

stays in Vegas,"

all it really means

is you can go to Vegas,

you can have sex with a prostitute...

...and she will not tell your wife.

They're very discreet,

the Las Vegas prostitutes.

You know?

Not like these gossipy,

small-town whores

back where you live, you know?

These f***ing blabbermouths.

Down at the beauty parlor

with that pale blue thing over their head,

whatever the f*** that is.

"Oh, you're Marge Majerson?

You're Neil's wife?

Well, by God!"

"I took a sh*t on him last night...

...in exchange for cash. "

"Nice fella. "

My favorite thing

is the magic phones that we all have.

You know,

not so long ago, phones were not magic.

They were just used to telephone people.

And uh... they couldn't take pictures.

You know?

If you wanted to take a picture -

this was only, like, 20 years ago -

you would have to use a...

you couldn't use a phone.

I remember I tried.

"OK, just hold on there. Just... "

People go, "What are you doing?"

"Don't worry, it's... "

I was kind of ahead of my time,

but they thought...

No, you had to use a camera,

and then you would put film in the camera,

and then you would go to a Fotomat.

It was wonderful.

And you would give it to this old man,

and he would go behind some beads

and stuff, you know?

And then you go, "When am I going to see

them pictures?" He goes, "I don't know. "

And then you go...

"I'll phone you every couple of weeks.

How would that be?"

And then, one day,

you got the news your pictures were ready.

And so you brought your whole family,

and you all showed up,

and you got that envelope.

It was wonderful.

And you opened that seal, you know,

and then there were the pictures -

a whole handful.

Like, you would go, "Hey, look at this.

It's a picture of Aunt Ida,

but her eyes are red like the devil. "

"Maybe Aunt Ida's the devil. "

"Hey, look at this!

It's a picture of my dog,

but I put a hat and glasses on it

so it would look like a person. "

"It still looks

kind of like a dog a little bit. "

"Hey, look, it's a picture of you!

But look at your jacket and your hair!

Ha!"

"Look at the way you used to... Ha!"

"Remember that hair?"

So you needed that time for the picture

to make any sense or have any resonance.

Nowadays, you go,

"Hey, would you like to see a picture

of you standing right where you are

one second ago?"

"I got one here. "

"Your hair is identical. "

"I guess it would be, huh?"

In the real old days,

they would take pictures like...

At my house I have a picture

of my great-grandfather,

and I only have one, you know?

Back then,

they only had one picture of everybody,

because they would pull that thing,

and it would explode and all that sh*t.

And it was just my...

Nobody was happy...

because it took so long

to get your picture taken.

So it's just my great-grandfather like...

"How long is this going to take, sir?"

"Who's going to feed them hogs?"

"It damn sure ain't going to be Marjorie,

I'll tell you that. "

Do you know what else I like

about the magic phone? Wikipedia.

Oh, have you ever used that?

That's the best, man.

It makes a democracy out of smartness.

Everybody's equal now, you know?

Used to be

a guy would go to school five, six years

and then he would talk to me,

and I would be like, "Uh... "

But now...

Now it's all different...

because I have got my magic phone

in my pocket.

So a guy will say to me -

he'll go, "Hey, Norm,

you ever hear of a fella

that went by the name of Claude Monet?"

And I go, "Why, of course I have.

I got to go to the bathroom. "

And then I go to the bathroom,

and I'm in there 20-25 minutes,

and I come back.

I go, "Hey, listen, I was just uh...

We were talking about Claude Monet,

and I just wanted to say

that, you know, what I liked about him

was his paintings. "

"I like the way he painted.

He was a painter,

and I loved how he used the paint

to make paintings. "

And then the guy goes, "Goddamn, Norm!"

"I've never been able

to stump you in two years. "

But I looked on my...

Because I like learning on my Wikipedia.

And I looked, because I was wondering

about fame, the nature of fame,

because it's changed so much, you know?

And when I was young it was one thing,

and now it's a whole different thing.

And uh I was wondering

how many people have been to the moon -

like, have actually walked on the moon.

So I looked on my magic telephone

and I found out.

Only 14- 13 or 14-

in the entire history of the world.

You would think

that would make you very, very famous.

But no.

The last guy who walked...

Now, you think he would be famous

for being the last guy to be on the moon.

His name was Harrison Schmitt.

Now, whoever heard of him?

Meanwhile,

he goes all the way to the moon,

hangs around there for a while

and comes back.

He's not famous,

but a girl with a giant ass is famous.

Now, when I was young,

a man who went to the moon was famous,

and a lady with a giant ass, you would go,

"Can you stand over there?

Because this is... "

Harrison Schmitt.

So how many people that went to the moon

do we even know?

There was... We know the first ones.

There was Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin.

They went in Apollo 11-

Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin.

And even the third is hard to remember.

His name is Michael Collins.

And Michael Collins,

in one of the...

just most unfair jokes -

I don't know what it was -

he got to go all the way to the moon

but not go on the moon.

All the way to the moon,

and then, that little rope ladder,

he wasn't allowed to go down.

He had to stay in the lunar capsule...

while Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong

went on the moon.

Michael Collins

just looking out the window, going...

"Are those motherfuckers golfing?!"

"Good God! They're golfing!"

"Wait a minute, they...

they have got a dune buggy now!"

"I was only allowed to bring so much

and they brought dune buggies.

This is... "

"I have to keep up

a good face, I guess. "

And then Buzz and Neil,

I'm sure they were nice guys,

they didn't want to hurt Michael Collins,

you know?

So they probably went back, you know,

to the lunar capsule, you know,

and Michael Collins was like, "What do you

think, guys? What was the moon like?"

And they were like, "Ah. "

"It was all right

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