Norm Macdonald: Hitler's Dog, Gossip & Trickery Page #4

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if you like that kind of thing, I guess. "

"I prefer the lunar capsule myself. I... "

"I can't speak for Buzz, but...

I really do like the lunar capsule. "

Because that's what you do.

You know, most of your life is mundane.

I decided to write a book, right?

So, it was a book about my life.

They said, "Just write about your life,"

so I said...

Oh, thank you. Yeah. Yeah.

It turned out to be

the greatest comic novel ever written,

but when it started

it was supposed to be a memoir, you know?

A... An autobiography.

So it makes you think,

"Well, what is my life?"

So I started thinking about it, right?

So I said, "OK, I wake up in the morning,

and I eat some Count Chocula. "

And then I watch Sports Center

while I'm digesting my Count Chocula,

and I phone my friend Fat Freddie.

And I go, "Hey.

You want to eat a cheese sandwich

or something around three o'clock?

I... I got to wait

for my Count Chocula to digest,

but how does that settle with you?"

He goes, "Yeah, great,"

so I get together with him.

And on my way, I get some groceries

to bring home for later,

and uh... and then, of course,

there's dinner, you know?

So most of my life

is finding and consuming food.

So it doesn't make for a riveting read.

It's incredibly repetitious.

When you're writing, you learn a lot.

I went to a guy who's a big writer guy.

He told me about things

I didn't know about.

Metaphors - have you ever heard of them?

He said, "You have got to use metaphors. "

I'm like, "What's that?"

He was like, "That's a thing.

So, a metaphor is like,

'You can lead a horse to water,

but you can't make it drink. '"

I'm like, "What the f*** does that mean?"

So he was like,

"That means you can take a person,

you know,

and you can give them

all the information and everything,

but he still has to be the one

to absorb it himself. "

So I was like, "Well, why the f***

didn't you just say that? Like, what... "

"Why did you have to put a horse into it?

Like, what... "

"You thought I was so stupid you needed

to make it into some fable? Like, what... "

"A horse?"

"Or sometimes

the metaphor part of it is true,

but then the literal part is not true.

They will go, like, 'That which does not

kill you makes you stronger,' right?

Now, metaphorically, that's true,

like maybe a woman

breaks your heart, you know,

or life deals you a bad hand.

And then the next time

you're prepared for it

and uh...

and it doesn't hurt you as much. "

"But, literally, it's not true at all.

Literally it's, 'That which does not

kill you makes you weaker...

...and will probably kill you

the next time it shows up. '"

That's why I like - personally -

I like the ones where the metaphor is true

and the literal part is true.

Like... They say, like,

"Beauty is only skin deep. "

I think that's beautiful, because it is.

Like, you know, really,

what makes a person attractive

is what's inside -

their friendship,

their conviviality, their goodwill,

not this uh... optic trick, you know?

And so it has that,

but also, literally it's true,

because you could be

the handsomest guy in the world, you know?

You could have, like, this chiseled jaw

and beautiful,

thick mane of hair, you know?

Large shoulders and narrow waist.

Are you guys horny?

Is it just me, or...?

Giant quads, a perfect body.

Six percent body fat, you know?

But you take that same guy

and you skin him.

All of a sudden...

he is not so easy on the eye.

I'm getting old, you know?

I asked my doctor...

This is interesting, because I wondered...

You know,

I know the first two causes of death -

heart disease and cancer,

neck and neck, you know, to kill you.

So I said to the doctor, "What's

the third most common cause of death?

What is the third?"

And he said, "Complications. "

That's...

That's like the doctor f***ing up.

Like, how is that the third?

That's the third?

You go, "Hey, Doc, I can't help

but noticing my father is dead uh...

...and I remember yesterday

you said it was a simple operation. "

And he was like,

"Yeah, we thought it was. "

"Looked simple in the book,

I'll tell you that. "

"But uh...

you cut open a man, by God, it's... "

"All this red stringy stuff

and everything. "

"Are you a doctor?"

"No. "

"Ah, you wouldn't have heard.

Way too complicated for you. "

But you worry when you get old, you know?

You get concerned, scared.

I remember my grandmother, you know,

she was like... I think she was like 85

at the time or something,

and I looked at her - she was sitting in

her chair - and I said, "Hey, Grandma. "

She had a bruise, right?

And it went from her... from her wrist,

all the way up her arm,

right to her shoulder.

A big bruise -

purple, green and yellow.

A third of each.

And I said...

I said,

"Grandma, where did you get that bruise?"

and then my grandmother said, "The wind. "

I said, "The wind?"

And she said, "Yes. Do you remember

that gentle breeze yesterday?"

I was like, "Yeah, I remember. "

My parents were teachers,

which is a noble profession,

everyone says.

They're fine people.

But do you know what's weird?

They all say,

"Teachers are the real heroes. "

My folks - not heroic at all.

And, as a matter of fact,

I have never met a teacher

that showed any heroism.

And I have known a lot of teachers,

because I was a student

for years and years.

And never once did I go,

"Hey, Barney, man,

I was just looking at old man Abernathy,

you know, at the way he was erasing

that chalk on the chalkboard,

where he put the chalk earlier...

and I was thinking,

he cuts a heroic figure, doesn't he?"

"No? Me neither. I didn't think that,

either. I just heard that somewhere. "

And it's not that hard a job when you

think about it. You know what I mean?

Like, it's a pretty good...

If you have a job where you go to work -

like Grade 3- you go to work,

and you're 50 times bigger

than everybody else that you work with...

that's a pretty good job.

Plus, they do all the work.

You do nothing.

That's...

How about the students?

How about giving some of them

the "heroism"?

You know, the...

five-year-olds that are working for free.

What do you need, really,

to be a teacher, anyway?

What's the, you know, qualifications?

Let's say you're teaching the Third grade.

What... What do you need?

A Fourth-grade education.

Really, anything above that...

...you're overqualified, really, you know?

I didn't like school.

I liked before school.

Man, do you remember that?

Before you had to go to school.

Man, that was the greatest time ever.

I'll never forget it.

Those were my finest days, man.

I loved them so much.

I remember, like,

I would go over to Shawn Kay's house,

and I would have a stick,

and that would be the whole day.

I would go, "Shawn, I've got a stick!"

He would go, "Goddamn! We'll go play. "

It was so much fun.

And then, one day, suddenly I'm in school.

They were dragging me in,

and I remember there were tears and...

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