Norm Macdonald: Hitler's Dog, Gossip & Trickery Page #5

---

I'm like, "What the f***?"

There were these windows

that made it even...

You would look out the window

and sometimes

you would see the stick, you know?

And you would go, "Goddamn!

Do these people's cruelty

know no offense?"

Nowadays, you know,

they have the ADD and stuff like that.

For kids in class who are like,

"Hey, I would like to go out!"

they go, "We're going to drug you. "

"Then you won't want to get out...

and run around in the grass

and have fun with the stick. "

"You'll be fine. You'll be good. "

But, anyways, I'm old now, you know?

I was young.

Now I am old.

Yeah.

I learned some things in school.

Now that I'm old,

things scare me, you know?

I think it's the media that does it.

Like, they go, "North Korea," you know?

And, I don't know, it kind of scares...

It doesn't scare me that much,

but... it's supposed to scare you.

But, like, are you really scared?

Have you ever woken up, gone, "Ah!"

and your wife says, "What?!"

"North Korea!"

That little, tiny country,

way the f*** over somewhere.

"I'm scared, honey. I'm scared. "

I'll tell you,

Iraq doesn't scare me, North Korea -

none of those countries scare me.

There's only one country, really,

that scares me in the whole country.

Or in the whole...

What do you call that's bigger than

a country but less than a galaxy?

Earth.

The entire earth, there's only one country

that frightens me -

that's the country of Germany.

I don't know if you guys

are students of history or not, but...

...for those of you who aren't,

Germany,

in the previous century -

in the early part...

they decided to go to war.

And who did they choose to go to war with?

The world.

So you think

that would last about five seconds

and the world would f***ing win,

and that would be that.

But it was actually close.

And then...

I don't know how that worked, but...

Then 30 years pass,

and Germany decides to go to war again.

And, once again,

they choose as their foe...

the world!

And now...

this time, they really almost win.

So at this point

you would think the world would go,

"Germany, you're f***ing not a country

any more, all right?"

"What the f***?"

"You're not a country because you keep

going to war with the world,

and... no one does...

What do you think you are, Mars?"

"Do you think you're Mars or something?"

But it's fun to get old, you know?

You start watching old things.

You know those commercials

that are toward old people?

I was watching, for instance, on MeTV,

I was watching uh...

The Six Million Dollar Man, right?

And he was in Paris, jumping over the

Arc de Triomphe and everything like that.

And then, just by luck or coincidence,

they went to a commercial,

and it was a commercial

starring Lee Majors,

the Six Million Dollar Man,

but as he is today, like an old man.

So he's jumping over...

And it was for the bionic ear.

And it wasn't the real bionic ear

from the show,

it was a f***ing hearing aid.

So you see him jumping over

the Arc de Triomphe,

and then it cuts,

and he's in a studio, like,

"I can't hear too good out of... "

"This one's no good at all.

This one's all right. "

"This one may as well not even be an ear. "

And you go, "Goddamn. "

You can't help but feel sorry

for a man like that.

Because you know, at one time, he got

a phone call from his agent, you know?

And he probably had

all kinds of hope, you know?

He answers, "Hey, Jerome! My God!

I haven't heard from you in 30 years. "

"You've got something for me?

Well, let me guess.

I bet I know what it is.

It's that movie I wrote:

The Return

Of The Six Million Dollar Man...

starring Ben Stiller.

And then I show up

as a judge for two minutes. "

"Is that the one?"

"No? What is it, then?"

"It's a...

No, not out of this one. No. "

"Well, what... "

"What is that?"

"That's a hearing aid?"

"Well...

how much does something like that

pay a fellow?"

"It's funny you say that, Jerome,

because when you say it,

I realize that that's only one tenth

of what I used to get

from a single episode of...

No, I'll keep... I won't... Sorry. "

"Um...

When do they have to know by?"

"Oh, within the hour, huh?"

"Well uh...

I guess, then, I would say um...

yes, I'll take that. "

"Jerome, I have to ask you this.

Is there any way in the contract

that you can put in that um...

I'm sad?"

What about those commercials...

where the guy

just tells you stuff you already know?

There's this one with William Devane,

and he goes, "Do you like gold?"

You're like, "Yes, of course. "

"You should buy a big bar of gold

and put it in your safe. "

You go, "Well, I wish I could.

That would be very nice. "

"Do you know gold's always been valuable?"

"Yes, I know everything

you're telling me. "

"Daffy Duck told me that

when I was a little kid.

I know all about how gold is valuable. "

There's one that I don't understand,

but it's kind of...

It's called "reverse mortgage. "

I had never heard of one of these things.

It has a guy on it, and he goes,

"I'm a guy...

...and I want to tell you about

reverse mortgages.

You've probably never heard of them,

but you all know what a mortgage is. "

"That's when you and your loved one,

you get together a grubstake -

you know, a little bit of money -

and, by God, you put it down

on a piece of land or a house, you know?

And then, every month, you pay

what's called a mortgage, you know?

Which is some money to the bank.

And then 20 years pass, or 30,

and you have a big party

with your friends.

All your kith and kin come,

and you burn the mortgage,

and, by God,

you own a piece of the American dream. "

"Anyway, this is the complete opposite. "

"So uh...

we would be glad

to send you some brochures.

It's uh... "

"It's a picture of you with no shelter. "

You know,

I'm trying to be a better person.

I don't know if you're religious or not.

I'm sort of half religious, half not.

I try to uh...

obey the commandments.

And it's funny that some of the

commandments are very easy to obey,

and some are very difficult.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, "Thou shalt not kill. "

Well, it's pretty easy

to obey that, you know?

But then there's other ones

that are really hard to obey,

like there's one that says,

"Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's ox. "

Now...

I have this old scraggly f***ing ox.

I bought him used -

that was my first mistake.

And uh... the guy who sold it to me

didn't tell me about

all the f***ing diseases this thing has.

So he f***ing wanders around.

He can't pull anything.

And he has a big thing around his neck,

like a bell, and that causes him...

neck problems, so I have to take that off.

And then...

Then I walk past my neighbor's house,

and I look in his garage,

and here stands the most beautiful...

like, blue-grey...

Belgian ox...

that I've ever laid eyes upon.

And he's brushing his lustrous...

And I'm not supposed to covet it? I...

"Thou shalt not bear false witness. "

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes