Norm Macdonald: Hitler's Dog, Gossip & Trickery Page #6

---

That's a tough one.

But it's good, you know, not to lie,

but it's very, very hard, you know,

not lying,

because you want people to like you and...

Do know what I mean?

You want to...

All kinds of reasons to lie.

I thought of a way of not lying,

and I'll...

I'll share it with you, if you like?

You can tell the truth, word for word,

absolutely true, but when you do it...

...you use a sarcastic accent.

So I'll give you an example.

Your wife goes, "Hey, I noticed at dinner

you were looking at my sister.

You're... You're not attracted

to my sister, are you?"

And then you go,

"Oh, yes, I forgot to tell you,

I'm attracted to your sister. "

She's like,

"All right, Henry. Never mind. "

You go, "No. Why? It's true.

I want to f*** her. I... "

"Hey, the only reason I married you

is to f*** your sister, right?"

She's like,

"No, I shouldn't have brought it up. "

"No! Why wouldn't you bring it up?

I mean,

you're the victim in this whole thing. "

"I remember at the vows, I kept thinking,

I am going to seduce

every member of my wife's family. "

"Regardless of gender,

I'm going to f*** all of them. "

"Then, afterwards,

I'm going to invite them over to the house

and set it on fire, killing them all. "

"And then I'm going to move on

to the next town, where I do it again. "

It's like, "All right, Henry.

We don't need to hear it. "

"You don't have to be like this. "

"Why? Why?"

"You're the good person in this scenario. "

"I'm the guy

that goes from town to town...

f***ing and murdering entire families...

...and leaving conflagrations of ashes

that used to be human beings. "

"I'm the most savage

and prolific serial killer

that ever was...

and I've just never been found out yet,

that's all. "

"Just go to sleep. "

"Yeah, I'll go to sleep,

or maybe I'll buy kerosene all night. "

So, that's just an example.

You don't have to do that one.

I'm just...

I'm just saying, that's all.

But, listen, there's important things

going on in the world,

it's raining in the forest.

I don't want to get

too political with you,

but it's a true fact.

Now, I know...

You know, I know uh... science,

and I would not be surprised at all if,

like, ten years from now, scientists went,

"Goddamn! It's good we burned down

that motherfucking rainforest. "

"It turned out that's where all

the spiders and snakes lived and sh*t. "

"It's what started that snake flu

that nearly took everybody out. "

Nobody knows nothing.

But, you know,

you're supposed to crunch up cans,

and I think it's a good thing, you know?

You've got the orange

and then the green, there's blue.

You crunch the cans, and then you

put that... And you should do that.

I'm not doing it, but you guys...

...should do it,

because it's important, you know?

It's always supposed to be

for the people from the future.

That's how they try to trick you,

you know?

They always go,

"The children are the future,"

which is true,

but they said that when I was a child.

Then I grew up. I was like, "Here I am!"

They were like, "Now it's the other kids. "

I go, "You f***er. "

"I had a feeling

there was something here. "

"I know a Ponzi scheme when I see one. "

"And now it's the other children. "

[cheering and applause

Listen, this has all been wonderful.

But I will tell you this.

Nothing I have said, really,

is of substance.

I- I find...

And it's not just me.

I find...

Like, most of my act is just,

you know...

uh...

gossip and... and trickery.

Do you know what I mean?

Like some cheap magician, you know?

So, I'll tell you the only thing

I know for a fact,

and it's something that we all know.

Everybody knows it,

but it's harder to act on it, it is.

But the only really true thing

is that...

we all must love each other.

And it's very difficult, you know?

It's very, very hard.

Hey, what about this?

A dog loves people.

Like, you think it's hard to love people -

a dog loves everybody.

Like, a dog...

Like, my dog, right,

I've never seen such a...

No judgement.

Like, my dog, all he does is love me.

When I wake up...

I think he watches me sleeping,

because when I wake up, he's right there,

and he's like, "I love you!"

He jumps up. He's licking my face.

"I love you more than anything!

You're the greatest!"

I go, "Thanks.

You're cool, too. I love you. "

"I love you more than anything!"

"I love you, too. "

"Remember yesterday

when you threw that bone

and it turned out to be a rubber bone?"

"Yeah, it was a joke.

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. "

"I wasn't! I wasn't!

I was laughing. It was funny. "

"Oh, you love me so much, and I love you.

This is the greatest thing.

I'm just going to kiss you

and kiss you forever. "

I go, "Yes, you can do that. "

"I'm just going to keep kissing you. "

Then I go, "OK,

get the f*** away from me, all right?!"

"Just leave me alone, would you?"

"I've got to write sh*t

into a magic phone and stuff.

I've got no time for this...

f***ing dog stuff. "

Then my dog goes, "You're right. "

"I find... You know, I love you,

but I... I just push too hard. "

"I push and I push and I push,

and I push you away. "

"I'm no good. "

"I'm no damn good. "

"But what say...

what say I just stood here

and stared at you...

...completely quietly...

until, finally, you looked at me again...

with some look of love,

and then I jump up and love you again?"

And you go, "Yes, that would be fine. "

"Do that. "

They don't judge, dogs.

We judge, you know?

All our love comes with caveats, you know?

There's no such thing

as unconditional love with human beings.

But dogs, they don't care.

They love...

Hitler had a dog. Now, you think of that.

I'm no fan of Hitler.

I never liked him.

I didn't like him

before it was cool not to like him.

But there was a dog in history

who loved Hitler more than anyone.

He would wake up in the morning and go,

"Where's Hitler?!"

You know?

And Gring, or somebody, would go,

"He's not here.

He's doing some evil stuff. "

"I've explained to you, he spends

most of his time doing evil stuff.

You can't see him that often. "

He goes, "OK. Yeah, I know.

I'm not trying to...

Listen, Gring, I love you, you know?

I love Mengele, I love everybody.

All you guys are the greatest.

But it's just Hitler

is the greatest man who's ever lived. "

This is why we ask

that you don't use recording devices.

Just...

I don't want to be with f***ing

Harvey Levin tomorrow or something.

"Did you say Hitler was the greatest?"

And what would be my f***ing answer?

I would go, "No, it was a dog. "

That wouldn't work. I would be f***ed.

But...

I'll be goddamned if I'm going

to end a special talking about Hitler.

Yeah, that's what I'm going to do -

end a special...

I'm going to call my

special Hitler's Dog.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes