O. Henry's Full House Page #6

We need money. We have all that little bonanza

gold mine stock you had printed...

and we can't sell it

without a nugget.

Now, Joe Collins has a nugget

that's as big as a cobblestone.

We've gotta raise enough money

to buy that nugget.

- Will he trust ya?

- Not again.

You insist that kidnapping

is the only solution.

William, for a quick,

safe return on your investment...

you simply cannot

beat kidnapping.

I regard it as even a sounder proposition than

swindling widows and orphans.

And that is particularly true down here

in this Peruna-and-chitlins country...

for the natives down here

share one outstanding weakness.

- They love their children.

- It's too risky.

Suppose you kidnap an orphan?

Who pays to get him back?

William, don't be

so pessimistic.

- You know anything about children?

- Only one thing.

Children have to do what

grown-ups tell them to do...

because we're bigger

than they are.

- I don't like it.

- William, we're procrastinating.

Let's finish unloading this stuff and get

into town and find our victim.

- Mornin', folks.

- Mornin'.

We'd like to get

a little water for our car.

- Sure.

- And some information, please.

Pete'll get you the water.

What do you wanna know, mister?

Say, mighty nice country

you got around here.

- Sure is pretty.

- Is it?

If a person wanted to buy some of this land,

who'd he have to see?

Why do you wanna

buy the land for?

- What do you wanna raise?

- It ain't good for much.

You want bottom land

or, uh, hill country?

Uh, which is better?

Well, it depends upon

what you want it for.

- Bottom land.

- Reckon Eb Dorset could fix you up.

He's foreclosed on about as much land

as anybody else.

But why do you wanna

buy the land for?

Eb Dorset?

Which Dorset is that?

Well, there ain't only one

Dorset, and that's Eb.

Yeah, he married

the Yarborough girl.

Why do you wanna

buy the land for?

Married the Yarborough girl.

Say, I seem to remember that.

Uh, was that union blessed

with any issue?

Uh-

- What did you say?

You know, those little objects people get

after they're married.

Yeah. Well, I reckon

you could say they have in a way.

- Yeah.

- May I ask what you mean by that foggy response?

Well, I reckon you could callJ.B. A child,

if you wanted to.

- J. B?

- J. B?

- That's what they call him.

- Oh, it's a boy.

- I reckon you might, uh, call him a boy.

- Yeah.

How old is he?

J.B. Is nigh

on to 10 now.

What a lovable age in a boy.

Where did you say

the Dorsets were living now?

- Didn't say.

- Down the road a piece.

A little white house

with broken windows.

You ain't told us why did you wanna

buy the land for.

You know, I find your conversation rather

limited, but very stimulating.

- Thank you.

- Thanks a lot. Thanks a lot, fellas.

- Hope to see more of ya later.

- See you later.

Thanks, son.

Sally Mae, you better lock yourself up in

your room until them Yankees get outta town.

Aw, Pa.

What did he say

that place was?

A little white house

with broken windows.

Oh, yeah.

Dinner ready?

Unlessen you wanna wait

forJ.B.

He's late again.

When'd he go out?

Night 'fore last.

Oughta be gettin' hungry

by now.

I'd better set

a place for him.

Yep, he's home now.

Ebenezer, two men just drove up

in a motorcar.

They did?

Well, I'll be.

Now they're puttin' a sack

overJ.B.'s head.

No.

Now they're totin' him away.

They must be strangers.

More than likely.

Set him down over here.

Are you all right,J. B?

If we untie you, will you promise to behave

yourself and not run away?

Did you hear me?

l said, did you hear me?

Are you frightened?

Hmm.

Well, all right,

if you wanna stay tied up.

Now, listen,J.B.

You are in the hands of two desperate men,

and you must behave yourself.

- Is that right, William?

- Yeah, you better behave yourself.

Yes, you've got-

Put that knife away. Put it away.

- William, take that knife away from J.B.

- I'd rather you did it.

J.B., William and I have decided

you may keep the knife.

- Does that make you happy?

- I don't like you.

- I said, I don't like you.

- J.B., you mustn't be afraid of us.

- We're your friends.

I'm going back downtown and leave a ransom

note in your father's mailbox.

And if he pays the little sum

we're asking for you...

you will be returned home

immediately, safe and sound.

Do you understand?

Excuse us a minute,J.B.

How much you gonna ask for him?

I intended opening up

with a bid of 2,000.

Two thousand? I think you're

overestimating this kid's charm.

The trouble with you is

you don't understand human nature.

The blacker the sheep,

the quicker they bail 'em out.

And if I'm any judge

of black sheep...

we have come up

with a collector's item.

Anybody who'd pay $2,000

for him's out of his mind.

I heard what you said.

I don't like ya,

but you're not dumb.

Thank you,J.B.

Thank you.

Money isn't everything.

I'm convinced 2,000's too much.

Perhaps you're right. I'll cut it to 1,500.

I'd better get along.

I'll drop a note in the Dorset mailbox

the minute it gets dark.

- How long will you be gone?

- Good heavens!

Don't tell me you're afraid

to stay here with this child.

Slick, why don't you stay

and let William go?

- Very practical idea.

- No, it's too late,J.B. Our plans are all made.

Don't you think it'd be better

if we tied him up again, and we'll both go?

Look, you just build a fire,

giveJ.B. Something to eat...

and make friends with him.

Make friends with him?

Just hurry back.

- Eb?

- Huh?

A man's puttin' somethin'

in the mailbox.

Thought he would.

You want I should

go out and fetch it?

Never mind.

Morning's soon enough.

[Vehicle Backfiring,

Departing]

[Vehicle Approaching,

Backfiring]

William, the ransom note

has been delivered.

There's nothing to do

but await results.

How have you and J.B.

Been getting along?

Slick, stay where you are.

Don't make any sudden moves.

What's the trouble, William?

If the light were better, you could see that in

his left hand,J.B.'s holding my good watch...

and in his right hand, a large rock

capable of enormous destruction.

Please don't do anything rash.

Now,J.B., is that any way to act?

I ask you-

It won't do any good to talk.

Yes,J.B.

How did he

get the watch?

We were having dinner, and suddenly he put

a red-hot boiled potato down my back...

and mashed it

with his foot.

- Why?

- We had a slight difference of opinion.

- He wanted me to call him Red Chief.

- Red Chief?

Yeah. He wanted to play Indian,

and I didn't want to.

I see no reason why you couldn't oblige

the little fella, William.

Except that he

wanted to scalp me.

Surely,J.B., there must be another way

to play Indian.

Red Chief gotta ride back

to reservation.

Warn his people

palefaces comin'.

Red Chief need horse.

Oh, no, not that.

If William is your horse,

will you give him his watch back?

After paleface horse.

I won't do it.

I refuse.

I'll speak to him

in Indian,J.B.

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