On Her Majesty's Secret Service Page #4

If only we could go back

far enough to find out.

If you tell me your names...

We do not use surnames here.

It is a rule of the clinic.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't know that.

Come, it's time for dinner.

Our schedule is rather strict.

So is our diet.

Sir Hilary, if you would sit there,

between Helen and Ruby.

I'm afraid I've never had

much to do with young ladies.

I have ordered you a steak "Piz Gloria".

- I hope you enjoy it.

- Thank you. I'm sure I will.

- Are you here for Christmas, Sir Hilary?

- Er, well, I might be.

- Oh, good! Then we can have a party.

- That sort of thing's not quite in my line.

Delicious!

I used to hate chicken.

Used to make me break out.

It was all over.

You'd be surprised where.

- Potatoes did it to me. Now I adore them.

- No medical histories, please.

Girls, I'm sure Sir Hilary would like to tell

us about the College of Arms in London.

Go on, Sir Hilary, please tell us.

- If you'd really enjoy that.

- Please. Yes!

Would you?

- Fascinating!

- Tell us all about it.

The Herald's College,

or College of Arms,

consists of 13 members

of the royal household,

appointed by the sovereign

to run armorial, genealogical,

- ceremonial and other matters.

- Mm-hm.

The 13 members

are divided into three categories:

Kings, heralds and pursuivants.

Their titles and offices

are of great antiquity.

...when I tell you the first Clarenceux,

King-of-Arms, was created in 1334

and the first Somerset herald in 1448.

Now, when we authorise a coat of arms,

it can include all sorts of funny things.

Crescent moons, portcullises,

beasts couchant and rampant,

bars, bezants...

Please, what is bezant?

Gold balls.

I brought a book on the subject. There's

a picture of my own coat of arms,

which includes four of them,

If you'd care to see them.

I'd love to. I'm in room...

No, no! He will give the book to me.

I will pass it to everyone in turn.

- It is fairer like that, yes?

- Of course. If you think so, Frulein.

Is anything the matter, Sir Hilary?

Just a slight stiffness coming on

in the shoulder.

Due to the altitude, no doubt.

Der Graf will ihn jetzt sprechen.

The Count will see you now.

Thank you. Please excuse me, ladies.

May all your allergies be swiftly cured.

What a nice man!

Sweet!

Of course, I know what he's allergic to.

Bezants.

Antisepsis.

Please wait here.

- Good evening, Sir Hilary.

- Good evening.

Balthazar, Count de Bleuchamp.

If you'll forgive me,

that's what I'm here to find out.

To confirm, Sir Hilary.

There can be no doubt of the truth.

Please, sit down.

If there were no doubt,

the college would not have sent me.

Well, since you are here,

I'll make everything very plain to you.

To begin with,

I was born without ear lobes.

A well-known congenital

distinction of Bleuchamp ancestry.

Like the Hapsburg lip,

or the hawknose of the Medicis.

Granted, but the fact

you're of de Bleuchamp ancestry

doesn't make you the reigning count.

I feel it in my blood and in my bones.

The college will require

more concrete proofs.

And it shall have them.

I have all the relevant documents:

Title deeds, certificates of birth and death.

They'll be sent to your room

for authentication.

And you've only to ask Frulein Bunt

for anything at all you may require.

- Are you comfortable here?

- Yes, but puzzled by your clinic.

Well, the methods of the great pioneers

have often puzzled conventional minds.

I have devised a cure for allergies

which depends on holding

an unusual and rather delicate

psychological balance.

So, you see, I must impose

special conditions on my patients.

And, erm, your laboratories?

The cure is not entirely

psychological, Sir Hilary.

There are vaccines to be prepared.

Vaccines which must be modified

to suit each individual case.

So, you see, I'm a very busy man.

I might not be able to spare you

as much time as I might wish.

If you wish to be confirmed as the Count,

you must give me some of your time.

I need details of living relatives,

your parents and grandparents.

- The documents you will see...

- Can answer many questions, but not all.

Oh, one more thing.

- Could you accompany me to Augsburg?

- Augsburg?

The ancestral home

of the de Bleuchamp family.

There are notable Bleuchamp tombs, and

important records in the city archives.

If you yourself were there to assist...

That may not be convenient

for some time.

But I'm determined

my title shall be recognised.

- Proceed with your preliminary research.

- I'll be happy to start straightaway.

Thank you, Herr Grunther.

... alle eingeschlossen

sind. Der Gast darf nicht gestrt werden.

Du hast zwar nichts gefunden,

aber bleib wachsam.

- Sir Hilary!

- Shh...

I've brought you the book.

- The illustrated book?

- No, don't turn it on.

- I want to see the pictures.

- But you're a picture yourself.

And twice as lovely in the firelight.

You are funny

at pretending not to like girls.

Well, I don't usually, but you're not usual.

That lipstick was an inspiration.

So are you.

Oh, Sir Hilary!

Call me Hilly.

Hilly.

- What's your name?

- Ruby Bartlett, from Lancashire.

- Morecambe Bay actually.

- How did you get here?

Do we have to talk about that now?

Ooh!

It's true!

How did you get here?

I had this awful allergy about chickens.

My family's got a chicken farm and every

time I did something on it, I nearly died.

The specialist said there was a wonderful

Swiss clinic where they cured you free

because they were researching.

Go on.

- No, about the clinic, I mean.

- Oh!

Well, the specialist had me

meet Frulein Bunt in London

and she said I had

a very interesting case.

How right she was.

Oh, Hilly!

Oh, bother!

No, Hilly.

It's part of the cure.

Cassette number seven.

Number eight.

Do you remember

when you first came here,

how you hated chickens?

How you were sick

when you even saw one?

But all that is over now,

for I have shown you how foolish it was.

And your cure is nearly done.

I have taught you to love chickens.

To love their flesh, their voice.

Yes, your cure is nearly done.

- And soon you will go home

- Ruby!

- To look after the chickens,

- Ruby, wake up!

Which you love so much.

You do love me just a little,

don't you, Hilly?

Ruby?

I must teach you

how to give them special care.

I will tell you what to do.

- Ruby, wake up!

- I will tell you when.

I will tell you how.

And after you've done what I teach you,

you will forget it for ever.

For ever.

Hilly, you old devil.

It is me, yes?

Quite undeniably, yes.

How did you get out?

With a fingernail file.

It's so easy!

Mm, I wouldn't know.

I come to see the book.

The pictures, yes?

Oh, jolly good idea.

Now, where did I put it?

Mm, I had it a few moments ago.

- Perhaps if we turn on the light.

- No!

You're a picture yourself.

And twice as lovely in the firelight.

- But, Sir Hilary...

- Hilly.

But I think you do not like girls, Hilly.

Usually I don't, but you're not usual.

Rate this script:1.0 / 2 votes