One Night at McCool's Page #3

the truth,

I mean, that

he was robbing you

and-and I shot him,

and that's that.

Yeah.

Tell 'em the truth.

I like that.

Uh, since he was

threatening you,

I probably

won't get more than ten years, right?

And with good behavior

- I could be out in seven...years.

Wait...

Um...

- Let's come upwith another plan.

- What?

I mean, that he

was robbing you

and somebody else shot him?

Who?

Well, we could say

that I shot him.

That won't work.

It's ridiculous,

it would never work that way, it's-

Well, maybe...

Well, I mean, let's...

Let's go over it.

Okay.

- He was robbing the place.

- Yes.

- He did get shot, right?

- Mm-hmm.

So that's

two out of three.

What's that,

that's sixty-seven percent true,

I mean, that's

pretty good these days, right?

Right.

That's some first date,

killin' her boyfriend.

Well, it gave

the relationship a certain intensity.

Charlie:

It all started one night at McCools

Earl Raymond Pitts.

Had a list of priors

goin' back to the womb.

Seriously.

He was born in

Dwight Correctional.

His mother had twins

while she was doin' a bit for narcotics.

You mean

there's another one out there like him?

Huh. Yeah.

He went by the name "Utah."

"Utah"...

The Mormon State?

Yeah. Don't ask me.

I'm a little unclear on this.

He was holding

a gun on you,

But you were able

to get your gun

and shoot him point-blank

in the back of the head?

Yeah, right.

It-it all happened

kinda fast.

So...

he was standing

in front of you,

and then...what?

He heard something?

Right.

He turned around,

you grabbed your gun...

Right.

Which was where?

Uh...

- Hidden next to the safe?

- Right.

Just in case

something like this ever happened.

He turned around,

you grabbed your gun, and pow!

Exactly -

that's exactly how it happened.

About what time was this?

Huh?

About what time

was this?

Oh, uh...

Just before I called 911.

Thanks.

Hey.

It's res ponsible citizens

Just like yourself

that make my Job

a lot easier.

You can imagine my mood,

getting roused

from a sound sleep

to go scoopsome citizen

off a barroom floor

- You wanna talk to the lady?

- What lady?

His.

Does she have

anything to do with it?

Nah, she was

waitin' for him back at their house,

he didn't show,

she got worried,

came here

lookin' for him.

Let her go.

Awright.

You're free

to go, miss.

Suddenly

my whole life changed

Like Theresa had

come back from the dead

She even looks

a little like Theresa.

So this girl,

she's good in the sack, huh?

I'm sorry, man,

you get my age,

you like to hear

about the old un!

Sorry.

- O-18, 1-8 under the "O".

Nice ass?

Mr. Chick Fife,

telephone call.

Mr. Chick Fife, please

call your cardiologist.

You takin' the rap

for the shooting

musta worked out okay.

Your boss, he musta

treated you like a hero.

Oh, kid...

Death and good times,

they don't mix.

I can't have people

comin' in here

lokin' for a good time,

seein' you and thinkin',

"uh-oh, that's the one

"that put a bullet

in the guy's head.

"Maybe he's gonna serve me

"my strawberry daiquiri

and onion rings,

"or maybe he's gonna

go postal on my ass!"

Joey, the guy was

tryin' to rob your bar.

He didn't take nothin'!

You put a bullet

in his friggin' noggin!

You're gone! Go!

Hello!

Wh-what are you doin'?

What does it look like?

I'm ironing.

We're not there yet, are we?

What do you mean

we're not there yet?

We're movin' a little fast here, Jewel.

- Yeah?

- Hi, how ya doin'. Need your signature.

- What's this?

- 1-800-Mattress.

I didn't order

any mattress.

Dammit!

How are we supposed

to pay for this stuff?!

Jewel:

God, Randy, I Just thought

we really had something,

or at least the start of something.

But obviously

I'm incredibly stupid.

You're not stupid.

I'll be out of your life

in Just a few minutes.

I didn't say

I wanted you out of my life.

Ha!

It's Just...with the ironing,

the-the new mattress,

they all Just

seem like things

that are a little further

down the line,

that's all.

Further

down the line

than all the sex

we've been having?

Any further down the line

than killing Utah together?

You're right...

you know what, it's me.

I lost my Job today.

You what?

I got canned.

Oh, baby,

why didn't you say so?

Aw...

are you okay?

I guess.

Oh...

Mmm...

Oh, your cousin called.

The lawyer.

We're going over

to his house on Saturday

for a barbecue.

So Carl invites me

over to his house for a barbecue.

Now, Carl never

invites me over,

so I'm thinkin'

to myself, why now?

Here you go.

That's sweet.

Thanks.

That is some

ma Jor league p*ssy.

Ha ha ha!

I meant that

in a good way.

You bangin' her?

She must have

f***ed you senseless

when she found out

you shot a guy?

Because I read that

women cream for the violence.

I don't know

what that is.

When you're f***in' her, though,

because she's so young, is it -

I'm gonna see if

they want some helpin the kitchen.

I'm Just asking.

I mean, look at her!

It's like havin'

a porn star in my house!

Except she's

makin' salad.

You have such

a beautiful house - it's so homey.

That's all Karen,

believe me.

I wanted to go with

lots of stainless steel,

something we could Just

pssh! Hose it right off.

A lot of this stuff

we don't even use,

so if you really

like it, take it.

Thank you, Jewel.

It's always been my dream

to have a real nice house.

I already know exactly

what it'll look like -

Wall-to-wall carpeting

with matching drapes,

and a big, fluffy white couch,

nice dining room set,

and in the corner...

a fountain.

A fountain?

It's gonna be...

It's gonna be great.

It's of a little girl

washing her hair

and the water runs off

into a giant sea shell

with goldfish

swimming in it.

I didn't Just make it up,

I saw it in a magazine.

Better Homes

and Fountains?

Carl!

Hey, Randy, you got a fountain

in your place, don't ya?

In the living room -

Oh no, that's

a leaky toilet.

My mistake.

You know what, Carl?

You're not funny - Just rude.

- Let's get together some time.

- That's a good idea.

Bye.

Hey, c'mon.

Mmm...

Okay, okay!

Ha ha ha!

Okay.

Why don't you

let Carl run you home?

No, I'm afraid

that's where your luck runs out.

I can't drive,

I've been drinkin'.

Would you

buy a car?

One of these days.

Make him

buy a car, would ya?

Let's go catch

that 4:
15 bus,

Let's get

the hell out of here.

Randy:

Buy a car -

I wish he hadn t

put that idea in her head

What's this?

Oh, a friend of mine's

goin' away for a little while...

So she said

I could borrow it.

Well, what happens

when your friend gets back?

We're gonna be used

to havin' a car by then.

So?

- Then we're gonna have to buy one.

- So?

It's a bottomless pit

of expenses!

You got in surance,

you got repairs, car payments-

You're Just afraid

because now you don't

have an excuse

for not finding work, aren't you?

Stopright there,

this has nothing to do with work.

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