Our Mother's House Page #4

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Who do we use to decide things?

We've always asked Mother.

We can ask her now.

Come on.

Di...

He's got to stay, Di.

What happens, if Mother...

-You've got to MAKE him stay!

Answer me, Mother!

Answer me!

Thank you, Mother.

Thank you.

Mother says you can stay.

Hugh...

Your letter said that Mother

was dead.

She is.

This is "Mother-Time".

We come out here for what to do...

and what not to do.

I'm Gerty.

Gerty, Willy, Jimminy... bedtime!

Are you really our dad?

He is! He is!

Mother told me all about you,

Charlie Hook.

You ARE going to stay,

aren't you?

We're MOTHER's children...

Don't forget that.

Hugh...

When your mother died...I mean...

What happened about the funeral?

There wasn't one.

We buried her in the garden.

In the garden?

Yeah...In the tabernacle.

Anyone else know?

No.

I see.

Where's the lolly come from, eh?

The money!..What you live on.

Oh... the cheque.

What cheque?

Mother's cheque.

It comes every month.

We take it to the bank.

Oh, they cash it, do they?

What about 'er signature?

Oh, that!

Well, Jimminy does that...

He can copy almost anything.

Can he?!

That's pretty sharp!

Who's that?

Mr Halbert... next door.

Don't you know him well?

He's very rich.

You ARE going to stay...

aren't you Charlie?

We'll have to have a little think about that...

won't we?

Gerty, Hubert, Elsa, Jimminy...

Yours, Willy...

You keep your eye on the toast.

Right, Jimmy...

Elsa... you pour the tea

and be mother, eh?

Just a slip of the tongue, that's all...

just a slip of the tongue.

Now, where's Dunstan?

He's in the tabernacle.

Well, all he'll get in there

is a head cold.

I'll go and get him.

No you won't.

You'll sit down

and eat your breakfast.

Do as I say, love.

If Dunstan wants to be late for

school, that's his affair, not yours.

...Dunstan...Jimminy...Willy...Gerty...

What about it?

It's us!

And Charlie... you forgot Charlie.

Yeah... you don't want to go

forgetting Charlie!

Ta-ta Charlie!

Come on, higher!

You'll be sick!

I won't!

'Bye!

Be good!

So I had the telephone

in me hand, you see.

So I says, "Hello, I'd like to speak

to the United Nations."

"UNO...And I'd like speak to

the Secretary General."

Now, he's the big man...

the very biggest.

"Oh" I said..."doesn't matter who I am...

don't you worry about that..."

"That's not the point...The point is

this top secret!"

So he comes on the line and says "hello"

and I says "hello"...

I says "Now look here...

What's all this about?"

He says "What's what all about?".

I said "Don't give me all that stuff...

You know..."

"The whole bleeding issue...

What's it about?"

I said "B for Bloody...L for Lousy..."

And then suddenly...

just like that...

I felt this gun

sticking in my back.

And a voice... a very strange voice...

said...

"Don't you move, Charlie."

"Don't you move."

Who was it?

It was a bogey of course.

What's a bogey?

It's a sort of demon, silly.

What happened?

Well, I still had the telephone

in me hand at that point, so...

So I says to the Secretary-General...

I says...

"By the way, there's someone here I think

would like to have a little word with you."

So then I flung the telephone

straight at the bogey...

...hit him with my left...

...and jumped out the window.

Gosh!

Yeah, it was "gosh" and all!

I don't believe a word of it!

I've got a mark to prove it.

Where?

Yes, where?!

Well, you see when I jumped

out the window

I landed right on top

of the bloody garbage bin.

Look... see the mark?

Marked for life.

Bloody!

Willy!

Are you alright?

I'll give you something to laugh about.

You said you weren't ticklish!

Go away, horrible child!

You can't catch me...

You can't catch me!

You're not dead yet!

I want my mother!

There you go... up you go.

There... now you're 'King of the Castle'.

I'm the king of the castle

and you're the dirty rascal

Come on... down you come....quick!

I'm a elephant!

This is my best day.

We ought to decide

who's going shopping this week.

Charlie is...

I signed the cheque yesterday.

I meant who else is going?

Who else is going where?

Shopping with Charlie...

you ought to go, Dun.

Not me...I don't like shopping.

Well, someone's got to

keep an eye on him.

Hubert doesn't care anymore.

Care about what?

About...Mother.

That's not fair, Elsa.

No, it isn't...

Of course I care about Mother.

None of you do!

Anything Charlie does...

Can't you see

we're alright now?

We're safe!

Safe?

We ARE safe!

Now that Charlie looks after us...

we...

'Charlie'...'Charlie'...all I ever hear

is 'Charlie'.

I knew a bloke who had

the perfect system.

Oh, it took him

a long time to learn.

I seen him at every racecourse

in England.

"How's the system, John?"

I used to say.

"Oh, coming along nicely", he'd say.

Of course, he was testing it...

you know.

Then he started.

I remember the time I saw him...

the first time after that...

It was Sandown Park, I think...

"How's it coming?", I said.

"Very nicely."

Well, I could see that...

He was wearing a new hat

at the time, I remember.

And a car... and a chauffeur.

Of course some people say

that betting's a sin.

I suppose it is,

if you don't win.

You wait there.

You might bring me luck.

Who is this that cometh up from the wilderness,

leaning upon her beloved?

I raised thee up under the apple tree...

There thy mother brought thee forth...

There she brought thee forth

that bare thee.

Set me as a seal upon thine heart...

as a seal upon thine arm...

for love is strong as death...

Jealousy is cruel as the grave...

The coals thereof are coals of fire...

...which hath a most vehement flame.

I wouldn't've 'eard that for years.

Many waters cannot quench love...

neither can the floods drown it...

If a man would give all the substance

of his house for love...

...it would utterly be contemned.

It's just our Vi...

marvellous i'n it?

You know you're the dead

spittin' image of your mother!

She was very pretty, your mother...

Dun, you know.

Well, no... not pretty... comely.

"Good to look upon"...

as they say in the Bible

She loved it all...

all of it!

Amazing...

Vicar's daughter...

and she couldn't get enough of it.

Why did you go away then?

There were reasons.

They're very dangerous,

they are... women.

They're not like us...

We have our little vices...

bit wild sometimes...

...bit rough...

But we do have a code!

You can understand it.

You can say "This is right"

or "That's right"...

...But not women.

Here... this is our stop.

With women, what's right today

is wrong tomorrow...

...and vice versa.

They can turn on a sixpence

and still say they're going

in the same direction.

Oh well, if it isn't young Duncan Hook!

How's your mother, then?

Hello, Mrs Quayle.

Come on!

Ooh... who's this?

He's my father.

-Father?

It's Charlie Hook.

You're Mrs Quayle aren't you?

You used to look after Vi...

'fore she went in the nursing home.

Oh, I was told the seaside.

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