Outrageous Fortune

I just met you

Yet I'm feeling

It seems that somehow

we met somewhere before

I think I loved you

In my dreams 100 times or maybe more

What a connection

I just can't conceal it

There's a kind of magic in the air

Ooh, I can feel it

Something special

Is gonna happen tonight

I want you to know that

Something special

Is gonna happen tonight

I promise I'll be good to you

What a connection

I just can't conceal it

There's a kind of magic in the air

Ooh, I can feel it

Something special

Is gonna happen tonight

I want you to know that

Something special

Is gonna happen tonight

I promise I'll be good to you

Something special

Is gonna happen tonight

Oh! All right. That's it.

- What's the matter, Marie? What happened?

- She tried to kill me.

- Well, isn't that the point?

- No, Lauren.

This is theatrical fencing.

This isn't an autopsy. All right?

All right.

Damn it! I don't even know

why we have to do this.

If you want to do Shakespeare,

Shakespearean people have duels.

- Not the women.

- It's my ambition to play Hamlet.

Oh, that'll pack 'em in the aisles.

Yes.

Paulette.

Lan.

Good. Lauren.

Excellent.

Naomi.

B*tch.

- Lauren.

- Hi, George.

- Have dinner with me tonight.

- What?

- Say, "Yes."

- George.

- Say, "Yes."

- Why are you acting like this?

Because I wanna be with you.

Well, that's nice.

This is so funny, George.

I thought you were gay.

Oh, I am. It's just, I play

so many heterosexual roles...

I feel I really need to

do some serious research.

Mm-hmm.

And just when you think

there's no greater depth...

to which an actor could possibly sink.

- That's nothin'. Remember Fred?

- Fred.

I've got a 50 percent

hearing loss in this ear...

from him yelling "Stella" in bed.

I tell ya, I swore

off actors a year ago.

I said if that's the only

subspecies of men available...

I'd rather not date at all.

And I haven't. But

there are other things.

My work, I perfect my craft.

L... Kor... Korzenowski!

- Yeah.

- He's taking students.

- Hey, but where you gonna get that kind of money?

- L...

I gotta use that phone.

Come on. You're up.

Who is it?

It's your sister-in-law. Hurry

up. My feet are falling off.

Well, hi, Shirley.

I'm glad you finally...

Wait a minute.

Get in front of the camera.

- I knew it.

- Come on, Mom. Let me in.

No, we can't afford it.

Mom, please.

- Is that my baby?

- Daddy!

Yes, but she can't come

in. She wants a loan.

Daddy, can I come in, please?

Please, please, please,

please, please, Daddy? Daddy?

- Daniel, what are you doing?

- Oh, yes.

- You don't know she wants money.

- Of course she does.

- You don't know that.

- That's right, Mom.

Can't I just drop in to see my parents?

Okay, I need $5,000.

- But it's to study with Korzenowski. -

$5,000. - She might have a good reason.

- Daddy! Stanislav Korzenowski.

- $5,000, Daniel.

- I'll pay you back.

- What did you say?

W:

- What was that?

- I know I owe you some money.

- You owe us $3 2,000.

But it's the Korzenowski.

Lauren, we sent you to Yale

and London and the institute.

You have been at this acting thing for

years, and you haven't earned a dime.

You are still working as a salesgirl!

- Honey, face it. Maybe it's time for you to give it up.

- Daddy.

- Daniel. Hey, what did you

do? - Oh. Oh, Daddy. - Nothing.

- You gave her that money? - Oh, Daddy.

- I cannot believe that you did that.

- She is our only child. - Oh. Oh, Daddy!

- I can't believe it. She is sucking us dry.

- $5,000. Thank you, Daddy!

- She isn't. Well, I just got another bill from Bloomingdale's.

- Oh, thank you.

- Drop that now. Don't you dare start talking about that.

Give me back my f***in' quarter! Damn!

Well, good luck.

I'm Lauren Ames.

There's my application,

your board, your pen.

- Thank you.

- And my down payment.

Keep that for now. You

still have to audition.

- Right.

- Sit down. Mr Korzenowski will call you.

Thank you.

You nervous? Sorry. I'm sorry.

- I mean, I'm sorry.

- It's okay. It's okay. No, I'm... I'm not... It's fine.

I guess we're all a little bit, uh...

Don't talk. Right.

Oh, boy. I don't blame you.

This is so intense. Shut up, Weldon.

- I'm sorry. Sorry.

- Holy Mary!

Isn't there one f***ing phone

in this whole town that works?

You got a phone I can use?

Yeah, hi. This is Sandy

Brozinsky. Who's this?

Howie. Okay, Howie. I'm holding

in my hand this thingee...

says you're gonna turn

off my phone at noon.

Oh, yeah? Well, I wanna

tell you somethin'.

I just got out of the hospital.

I get home after two

months of intensive care...

they wheel me into my

building, I open my mailbox...

I find your thingee screaming at

me I have till 12 noon today...

Hey, no, you listen. You listen!

I just opened the damn thing. I just

now laid eyes on it for the first time.

What was I supposed to do?

Have 'em unhook the life-support

machine so I could pay my bills?

Oh, really? Yeah, so now I have

three... No, make that two minutes...

to write a check and wheel

myself down to your office?

Howie, is that the drill?

24 hours?

24 big ones?

All right, Howie. You're

a prince among men.

I mean it. I wanna have your child.

Yeah, bye.

No, stop!

Please, do not screech at anyone else.

I am trying to prepare

for an audition here.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah? What for?

A workshop with Stanislav Korzenowski.

Who's that?

Only one of the great

geniuses of the theatre.

Now if you don't mind.

Hey, maybe I should audition

for him too. I'm an actress.

Hey, no, I'm a pro. I bet

I'm more of a pro than you.

Uh-huh. Well, I just made

2,500 bucks doin' a movie, yeah.

That's where I've seen you.

It has been driving me crazy.

- You saw Ninja Vixens?

- I, uh, must have.

Huh. Well, this whole acting

thing's been goin' pretty good.

I mean, it's all just

bullshittin', right?

Actors are just

bullshitters who get paid.

Where do I sign up?

Just exactly what do you think

you're going to do in there?

I don't know. I'll make somethin' up.

You're going in to Stanislav

Korzenowski and wing it?

Jesus, you'd think I was

gonna go in and pee on him.

Listen to me.

You do not audition for a man

of Korzenowski's reputation...

without a prepared classical monologue.

That means Shaw, Ibsen, Shakespeare.

I'm doing Ophelia's mad scene. I'm

not waltzing in off the street...

saying, "Gee, I think

I wanna be an actress."

You know what I bet?

I bet you haven't been

laid in about a year.

- Ames, Lauren.

- Ah, ah.

Yes, I'm coming. I'm...

I'm... I will be co...

I'm... I'm... I'm ready. I'm... I'm...

- I'm ready.

- Quickly, Miss Ames.

I have a good mad scene.

It's really great. I just saw it.

Hmm.

I will not only wish you to

absorb everything that I say.

I will also wish you to keep

notes of everything that I say.

And I will wish to look at those notes.

Now if you say this

is like high school...

I do not apologize.

I am an old egotist...

and I want to know that

you record my ideas.

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