Palo Alto

1

FRED:
Teddy?

TEDDY:
Hmm.

FRED:
If you were in the olden times,

what would you do?

TEDDY:
Which olden times?

FRED:
Like, King Arthur,

with knights and horses and sh*t.

I'd be the king!

You can't be king, dog. No way.

Dude, if I went back,

I'd be the f***ing king.

I'd be the king.

Then, I'd f*** every

virgin in the kingdom.

No, you can't be

king, a**hole. Okay?

You can't even be duke.

The fact that you f***ing said

that shows you're not royalty.

You're a peasant.

Peasant!

Dude, but think about it.

When people time travel,

they go back

aren't they always the king,

or they know the king?

But that's in stories. In stories

everybody's going to be the king.

It's Aristotle sh*t.

It's not real.

Yeah, but neither

is time travel.

There're very few f***ing kings and

you wouldn't be one of them, okay?

King Teddy?

King Teddy?

That's a f***ing turd's name, dude.

(SCOFFS) F*** you, Fred.

F*** you, you're an idiot.

You're an idiot.

I know.

If you were king,

I'd f***ing kill myself.

Then you better die,

motherf***er,

'cause I'm the king

around these parts.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

F***, Fred.

(FRED LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)

Oh, sh*t!

(HORN HONKING)

Whoo!

That felt so f***ing good.

That felt so...

MR. B:
Hey, April!

Wanna join us?

All right girls, circle up.

Bring it in.

Have a stretch.

All right, on the ground.

Oh, I'm so wet.

(GIGGLES)

Not in a good way, either.

Mr. B's a hottie, though.

SHAUNA:
F***, I know.

Right? (CHUCKLES) Too bad he

wants to get it in with April!

CHRISSY:
I know.

No, he doesn't.

Why would you say that?

You just went to have a f***ing

cigarette during practice!

I said I was going

to the bathroom.

I'd go for it, if I were you.

Guys, it's so awkward.

I baby-sit his kid.

So?

(BOTH LAUGH)

I bet he makes a really

ugly face when he comes.

You pervert!

No, I'm just saying...

I bet it's like this.

He's like...

All right girls!

Good practice.

Oh, sh*t! You think

he heard what I said?

Yeah, he saw you. He's like,

"Wait, that's my face." (CHUCKLES)

April, can I talk

to you for a minute?

Hey, you think you can

babysit Michael on Saturday?

I have a date.

I don't know why I try.

Dates are always stupid.

(CHUCKLES)

Um, yeah,

I can babysit on Saturday.

Great.

And I think you

should play striker.

I know it's a lot of responsibility,

lot of pressure,

but you look really

good out there, so...

Thanks.

Great.

So, I'll see you Saturday.

Okay, yeah.

Okay.

(TAPPING RHYTHMICALLY)

Fred.

Hey.

Come on, let's get

the f*** out of here.

Teddy, what would you do if

you got into a car accident?

Uh, I'd be pissed.

If it was a drunk

driving accident,

and you were the

one that was drunk?

It's bad, you crashed right into

another car, but your car still runs.

Sh*t.

And the other person could be dead,

or they could just be a little

whiplashed but you don't know.

Who is the person?

You don't know, man! That's the point.

You can either wait around and

the other person could be April

and you two could fall in love,

or you can get the f*** out of there.

Either way you have to decide.

Pretend like it happened now.

(CAR THUDS)

Boom! That's the accident.

What would you do?

I drive away.

Drive away?

Yeah.

You f***ing drive away?

Yeah.

That's your final answer?

FRED:
Sh*t, you got

issues, n*gger.

Hi, Meatball. Hi.

I know. Did you miss me?

Come here.

Oh, hi, silly pretty thing.

Hey, Stewart.

Get that terrible rodent

out of here.

Were you playing video games?

Shooting hookers?

(CHUCKLES)

Yes. (CHUCKLES)

Brilliant.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, speaking of brilliant.

I corrected your paper.

I called it

"Alexander the Dubious."

You could have

just corrected it,

you didn't have

to rewrite the whole thing.

It needed quite a bit

of work, sweetie.

Okay.

Thanks.

Bye.

JANE:
What happened with your

colonoscopy today? Are you okay?

Yeah, hold on a minute.

April's here.

I just wanna say hi to her,

will you hold on for a sec?

Hi.

Hi, honey. How are you?

Yeah, I'm good.

Just kind of tired.

I'm gonna go lie down

for a little.

You look tired.

Just said that.

You really need to rest.

Are you depressed?

No, why do you always

ask me if I'm depressed?

I'm not depressed.

I'm tired.

All right.

I love you.

Okay, Jamal, I'm gonna

call you back in a little bit.

(GASPS)

I don't care. Tsk.

Whatever!

You don't wanna talk to me?

I don't wanna talk to you first.

And I'm not doing that paper.

'Cause I don't give a f***.

This is what I think.

Later.

No one even cares

'cause you're fat.

JANE:
What is this homework?

APRIL:
It's algebra.

Phew, I would never be able to do that.

How do you do that?

Because I have to.

JANE:
My little baby!

I'm not a baby.

You're such a little baby.

Mmm-mmm.

You are.

You need to relax and rest.

Okay, so everyone knows

how to play, right?

You just say,

"Never have I ever..."

And then if you've done

the thing you have to drink.

Like if you say,

"I've never cheated on my boyfriend"

and you have cheated on your boyfriend,

then you have to drink!

Um, never have I ever given

Seth Monkarsh a blow-job

during free period

in the senior parking lot.

WOMAN:
Uh-oh.

Drink up, Chrissy.

(MAN CHUCKLING)

Yup.

Okay fine, my turn.

Um, hmm.

Never have I ever...

(CHUCKLES)

Kissed my uncle.

WOMAN:
What?

Are you f***ing serious?

That was private.

F***ing freak.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Hey, April.

Hey, Teddy. Oh!

You all right there?

The chair's broken.

(HAMMERING CONTINUES)

Do you need a light?

Sure.

Thanks.

Would you mind your own business?

These are my stepbrother's.

Not like they're f***ing working anyway.

(CHUCKLES)

This party sucks.

Do you wanna go over

to the graves for a bit?

Yeah.

Do you wanna come?

Sure.

(SNORTS)

Never have I ever

had a lesbianic experience.

I've never been in love.

I think it's bullshit.

(ALL LAUGHING)

FRED:
I stole

your lamp shade.

APRIL:
Oh, my God.

I'm gonna fall.

(SCREAMS)

APRIL:
Oh, my God!

(CHUCKLES) Ah, I got you guys.

It's uncool dude,

there could be ghosts around here.

Jesus.

Don't even say that.

Hey, you guys remember that kid in

eighth grade who suicided himself?

Yeah, that's...

I remember that.

The Asian kid?

Yeah.

Why do you think

he killed himself?

He's buried here.

I think he killed himself because he

was Asian. I think it's pretty obvious.

What does that even mean?

It means his parents

pressured the sh*t out of him

because he was Asian, duh?

I don't think that's true.

I don't really think you know any

better than me, so no point talking.

Okay.

You got it.

Oh, sh*t!

Whoo!

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Stop!

My parents

are gonna f***ing flip.

Wow.

It's kind of hard.

That's what she said.

It's cool looking.

FRED:
Ted, check this out.

(CHUCKLES)

Be careful.

Do you think it hurts

shooting yourself?

Probably for a second.

But, er,

I think pain only hurts if it's prolonged.

If I was going to kill myself,

I'd kill a bunch of other people and take

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