Playing It Cool

Did you know that when someone attractive

enters your sightline

your pupils dilate 20 percent?

Or when someone falls in love

their brain floods with dopamine?

You know what else causes

that chemical reaction? Narcotics.

It's crazy, right?

But that's the fun sh*t

I'm learning right now.

See, I've been hired to write

this romantic comedy screenplay...

and the problem is I've never actually,

you know... been in love, so...

it's slow-going.

Yeah... intelligent.

To help, I rely on this writer's trick.

When other people tell me

their tales of romance

I try to imagine myself

as the characters in the story.

You know, the ones... in love.

It's kind of a desperate attempt to feel

something, I suppose. Anything, really.

It's a little narcissistic,

but it works.

I think the closest I ever came

would be the summer of '89.

Kristin... my babysitter.

We were deeply, passionately,

madly in love for one glorious night.

Until my granddad came home

early from poker.

God, could she dance.

I think since then,

all of my experiences involving love

usually start out something like this.

You know, I always did think

you were pretty cute.

You still got that boyfriend?

- Yeah.

- You guys in love?

Then they lead somewhere like this.

And then usually end up

something like this.

How about some back story?

- No, it's a RomCom.

- No... romance.

It's a favor for the producer,

because the studio hates the third act.

This is gonna be huge. Okay?

They have... Ashley Tisdale

from High School Musical

and Matthew Morrison from Glee!

It's gonna be huge!

I can see the poster now, man.

- Morr-Ash.

- That's not a thing.

I just made it a thing.

Come on, play along!

Work your magic on this one

because the same producer

has a huge action job coming up.

- All right? Set in Malaysia!

- You know I'm dying to write action.

So, do the RomCom

and I will get you the action job.

It's six weeks in Malaysia!

Malaysian women.

- You ever bang a Malaysian chick before?

- No.

Man... this cigarette is like

an elephant's dick to them.

They're sweet and warm and genuine.

They're caring, beautiful women...

that you can rip apart!

Yeah!

And Swayze says to her,

for the first time,

because he's never

been able to say this before...

"I love you, Molly. I...

"I've always loved you."

And then Demi Moore

says to him, "Ditto."

Remember that's what he said to her...

at the beginning of the movie?

Okay. It's no Terminator, but...

What? I'm s... wait, what?

I'm sorry, you think Terminator

is more romantic than Ghost?

Yeah.

Okay, you're messing with me.

Oh, my God, you're not messing with me.

- Okay, Terminator? Okay...

- It's the same guy who did Titanic.

Okay... this is...

my head's gonna explode.

I'll be back.

And that's not a reference to...

many people have said that...

in the history of time.

This is my buddy, Scott.

We'd been friends since the day we met.

Excuse me!

You left your...

Hey! You left your package!

Hey!

Hey, wait up!

Sh*t!

Sh*t. Don't hurt me, I'm a writer.

I'm not gonna hurt you.

Why are you running?

- Because you were chasing me!

- Because you left your package.

On purpose... Oh, my God.

Who leaves packages on purpose?

You can't do that sh*t post-911, you know.

It's my favorite novel,

Love in the Time of Cholera.

I leave it random places

for people to find. It's...

It's my art.

- You're insane?

- Yeah.

- What's your name?

- I'm Scott.

- All right. Let's get your bag.

- Holy sh*t.

All right, what's up, N-word?

So, the guy character

has multiple personalities.

He meets the girl character,

who has multiple personalities.

And one of his personalities falls in love

with one of her personalities.

That sounds really good.

It's terrible. It's full of clichs.

It has a gay, best friend personality.

It has a b*tch, girlfriend personality.

It has a feisty, Hispanic personality.

It has a black, female,

detective personality.

Oh, there's even an act three

running-through-an-airport scene.

God, I love

running-through-the-airport scenes.

Okay, we gotta top that.

Put them on a bridge.

How romantic is that?

You got two people on a bridge,

maybe there's like a whole crowd

following them and cheering... and like,

- you know, maybe one guy's doing...

- Yeah, I'm not doing any of that.

- But like a slow clap, like...

- I'm not doing any of that, Scott.

Well, then you're not really

making a RomCom.

Look, if I'm gonna do this,

I just wanna write something

that shows love how it really is,

you know? Not funny, not romantic.

Okay... but that kind of

sounds like a downer.

Let me explain.

Love starts out like this...

I'm sorry, my palms get kind of sweaty.

I don't care.

I love you.

And then he threw up.

He tried to say it was food poisoning

but I haven't been able to make love

with the lights on since.

You are so beautiful.

I'm just lucky to have you.

But then quickly becomes more like this.

I work with her! What do you

want me to do, baby? Quit my job?

No, I want you to keep

eye-humping her all night!

Baby, stop!

Don't touch me with your sticky

disgusting, reptile hands!

You give away your most

personal information

only to have your secrets

come back to destroy you.

Stop being melodramatic.

Maybe if you'd hit the gym once in a while,

you wouldn't need that sob story.

No wonder he threw up.

How do I know this?

Well, take my story, for example.

There's no stronger force

than a mother's love.

I love you.

She keeps you safe, secure...

It's unconditional, right?

And then without warning,

the bottom falls out.

And you're left to watch helplessly

as your world comes crashing down.

- Mom, where's the prize?

- Mom's not here, son.

That's what love does,

it leaves you with Granddad

to go to Chile with Phillip...

and ruins a perfectly good cereal.

And that's the last time I saw her.

That's why every time

someone has said...

- I love you.

- I love you.

- I love you.

- I love you.

- I love you.

- My response has been...

I just don't see myself ever feeling

the same way about you.

And there you have me.

By the way, that's my heart.

You know how some people

wear their hearts on their sleeve?

Well, I kicked mine out a long time ago,

and now he just follows me around...

chain smoking.

Okay, so, like I said,

it's been my life.

But then I met this girl.

Come on, Scott! Let's go, man!

These people are obnoxious.

Well, sorry there aren't

any perfect tens here,

but we're staying until they auction

off that couple's Champagne bath.

I don't care if they're all fours,

but if I have to hear one more four

talk about her vegan pet,

my sperm are gonna start

eating each other.

- Sh*t.

- Colorful.

- It's a gift.

- No, please, continue.

- I think I made my point.

- No, I don't think you're drunk enough.

I mean, we're fours now, but a couple

drinks from now... we might be sixes.

Point well taken... cutting myself off.

I think the rest of my night

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