Porky's

1

"Get up, get up, you sleepyheads"

Get up, get outta bed

Good morning, Angel Beach. It's April 12.

This is Gene Morrison coming to you

from WACN Angel Beach,

nestled by the shore

in fabulous South Florida.

It's a bright and beautiful spring day.

President Eisenhower's running a tight

ship, with his hand steady on the helm.

The stars are secure in the firmament and the

rent's paid, so all's right with the world.

"So get up, get up, you sleepyheads"

Get up, get outta bed

Let's get out there

and get America moving forward.

It's 64 degrees, expecting to reach

a high of 76 - not a drop of rain in sight.

Good news for the beach bunnies,

but bad news for the farm boys.

Now, to help you start the day,

the singin'rage, Miss Patti Page.

"It gives me a thrill"

Edward. You'll be late for school.

Edward? Up. Right now.

I've got things to do. You hear?

Hit the floor, right now.

"You're welcome as the flowers"

on Mockingbird Hill

Edward Morris.

You be at the breakfast table in five

minutes, or you don't play ball this week.

- Pee Wee, what's wrong?

- Nothing. I pulled a muscle in my groin.

Be careful. Your father wants you to drop

him at the office. His car won't start.

- And pick up those clothes at the tailor's.

- Instant eunuch.

"To wake up in the morning"

to the mockingbird's trill

"There's peace and goodwill"

"You're welcome as the flowers"

on Mockingbird Hill

Sh*t.

It is. It's gettin' shorter.

Sh*t.

"And survey all my kingdom"

while everything's still

- Hey! Did you get your coloured guy?

- Does a fat dog fart?

- Well, what's he look like?

- Like a Zulu.

- Six foot four, two huge gold teeth.

- Great.

- Where'd you find him?

- My old man's construction company.

He doesn't know what I'm talkin' about,

but he's willin'.

- And he'll do it for ten bucks.

- Ten bucks? Not bad.

- You sure the broad's all set?

- Oh, it's no problem.

Jarvis, you stupid redneck.

You better duck, you suckers,

when Jarvis is at the wheel.

- Billy Boy. Y'all get the n*gger?

- Come on, Jarvis.

- You mean "the coloured guy", "the negro".

- Poor white trash.

- F*** you and the horse you rode in on.

- That's colourful redneck humour, right?

- Right. Kiss my rebel ass.

- Should be writin' these down.

Immigrants. Go on back to Michigan

and kiss ass with all the negroes.

This is Dixie, baby.

How come you don't have

four names like most hillbillies?

Like Billy Joe Jim Bob,

or Flora Mae Sally Sue?

Hey, man. I had a cousin named Billy Joe

Jim Bob, and he was killed in the war.

Gee, I didn't know, Mickey. I'm sorry.

- Anyway, d'you get the negro?

- Yeah, we got one.

Guy's six four, has gold teeth -

the meanest-Iookin' mother you ever saw.

Hot damn! They're gonna croak. Who's goin'?

Hey, Tommy. Wait a minute.

- Did you get it?

- I found a place that's got one.

Well, don't let me down.

I'm gonna get that little creep.

- Who's she gonna get?

- Pee Wee.

- Didn't you hear about the other night?

- No.

- Are you sure you didn't?

- No.

Well, we figure we gotta get Pee Wee laid,

so I fix him up with Wendy.

Pee Wee and Wendy? Damn,

I thought she had better taste than that.

Well, all he had to do was knock it off.

They're makin' out, and you know Wendy.

She reaches down, she unzips his fly

and she grabs his cock, and guess what?

- What?

- The little bastard already had a rubber on.

- Oh, bullshit.

- I swear.

Wendy told me. Why would she lie?

Horny mother wore a rubber to his date.

She got so pissed off

she wouldn't let him touch her.

- Hi. I'm Mindy. Can I ask you somethin'?

- Yeah, sure.

Why do they call you "Meat"?

- I don't know.

- Wendy Williams told me I should ask ya.

She did?

Why do they call you "Meat"?

Cos you're so big?

- Yeah, sorta.

- Not "sorta". Why?

- Do you really wanna know?

- Yes.

- OK. Come on. I'll show ya.

- Meat. Wait, wait, wait.

- She's only a freshman.

- After this, she'll be a senior.

But if you get suspended again, you'll

never get that scholarship to Princeton.

Now think about that.

- I'm sorry, babe. No cigar. Can't do it.

- He won't tell me.

Shoot.

- Hey, you guys. Wait up.

- Speakin' of horny mothers, it's Ready Eddie.

- Be serious. I'm goin' tonight, right?

- Even a nymphomaniac has standards.

She lives with a black stud.

He's gonna cut your pecker off.

- Yeah, he's bringin' a pair of tweezers.

- I don't care. She likes to screw, right?

Especially young guys.

The more the merrier.

- Is she good-Iookin'?

- She's got a great body. Moves like an eel.

- Just the way I like 'em.

- As long as they're not dead...

I don't care if they're dead

as long as they're not too cold.

Let's not invite many guys -

we can all get her twice.

He's not even invited

and he's makin' up the guest list?

- You're not cuttin' me outta free nooky.

- All right. You're goin'. Now shut up.

- I'm goin'. Eight o'clock, right?

- Right.

- Wear your rubber.

- That lyin' b*tch.

- I forgot which one is...

- This is the raw one...

- No. This is hard-boiled...

- Gonna get some action tonight?

- What are you talkin' about, Pee Wee?

- I'm goin' tonight. They said I can go.

- He'll be the comedy relief.

- She could use you for a recess period.

- Funny! What are you doin' with the eggs?

- What eggs?

- "What eggs"? Those eggs.

- Oh. These eggs.

- They're for you.

- For me?

Yeah. We thought you

might like to wear one.

Timmy...

- Funny.

- Not as funny as the look on your face.

- You gotta let me do it to somebody.

- I don't think there's anybody left.

- Oh, come on. There's gotta be somebody.

- I think we've done just about everybody.

Let me do Meat.

You gotta let me do Meat. Come on, Timmy.

OK. Now listen. The one in your left hand is

the raw egg, OK? That's the one you drop.

The one in your right hand is the

hard-boiled egg, the one you hit him with.

- Left hand raw, right hand smack him.

- Go get him, Tiger.

- Hi, Meat.

- Hi, Pee Wee. What's goin' on?

- Oh, nothin'.

- Guys.

Watch it. What are you, a psycho?

What's with the eggs?

- What eggs?

- Those eggs.

- Watch my lips. Those eggs.

- These eggs?

- Is there an echo here?

- They're for you.

- For me? What am I gonna do with 'em?

- Well, we thought you'd like to wear one.

- Morris, you're dead.

- I know.

Good morning, Miss Balbricker.

You look nice this morning.

Are you losing weight?

- Hot damn! You like to live dangerously.

- She wants a piece of your ass.

- Nice pass, captain.

- Too bad, Jew-boy.

Tim. What's your problem, man?

Oh, boy, would I like to get next to that.

- Yes. Lassie.

- Lassie?

- Patience, my boy, patience.

- Why d'you call her Lassie?

- Why do you think?

- I don't know.

Are you kiddin'? You callin' her a dog?

Fred, that's angel food cake.

You touch her, and the Food and Drug

Administration gets you for f***in' food.

- Well, what can I tell you?

- You can tell me why they call her Lassie.

Just get her up in the equipment room -

you'll find out.

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