Porky's Page #3

If he strikes out with Wendy Williams,

there's nothin' left but ham hocks.

Maybe there's a horny midget

eatin' her heart out, waitin' for Pee Wee.

- Come on, Meat. I'm serious.

- I'm just tryin' to help.

- We need professional help.

- What are you talkin' about?

- Porky's.

- Oh, come on. Don't start that stuff again.

- You crazy? You'll get your throat slit.

- All you gotta do is know how to operate.

- Porky is a badass redneck.

- You guys don't know how to talk redneck.

Porky is a businessman. He just imported

a load of Cuban broads. They're fantastic.

- How do you know?

- I got my sources. Upstairs is "Porky's Pen".

You can party with the Cubans as long as you

let 'em know you know what you're doin'.

- You sure?

- Does a bear sh*t in the woods?

- Let's go now.

- We got a game tomorrow.

- We need 30 bucks apiece.

- 30 bucks?

But anything goes. We can go Friday night.

It's "7" 0 miles out in the Everglades.

We got a game Saturday night.

What do you say, Turner?

Meat?

Well, you know my motto:

"Give me p*ssy or give me death."

Hot damn! There's my boy.

- You know, I never had any Cuban p*ssy.

- Right, Pee Wee... Right.

- "For the man who measures up."

- What is that?

- It's for Pee Wee.

- Where did you get it?

- Miami. One of those joke stores.

- Look at that.

- You're kiddin'.

- A ten-gallon condom.

- It looks like King Kong's rubber.

- D'you like it?

- I like it very...

- Jesus, Turner.

Hi, Pee Wee.

- OK, what'd you do now, Pee Wee?

- The little jerk put Bengay in my jockstrap.

You shoulda seen him

hoppin' around like the Easter bunny.

Who looks like the Easter bunny now?

- Hey, Pee Wee.

- What do you want?

- I got somethin' for ya.

- For me? What is it?

- It's kinda like a trophy.

- A trophy? What are you talkin' about?

- A trophy for you, my little Pee Wee.

- All right, a trophy. What for?

For being the biggest d*ckhead

I ever went out with.

Watch yourjock, Tommy. Watch yourjock.

Get 'em, best boy.

- Here, Meat. You can use that for a spare.

- Gimme a break, will ya, Turner?

- Wait a second.

- Pee Wee, you love it and you know it.

- Wendy, I will get you.

- You had your chance.

You know, Pee Wee,

you never looked so good.

Nice face, Wendy! Get outta here.

Hi, there.

Come on, girls. Don't be scared.

They love it. They love it.

Tommy. Tommy...

- "Your ass is mine" says Kong.

- No sh*t, Sherlock.

- Tommy...

- Turner, you're dead.

- Great defence!

- And you thought Jews were just smart.

Turner. I wanna talk to you.

Get in there, Young.

- Back to work.

- Bye.

Damn. Oh, God.

Well... Any luck?

We've been out twice. Zero, man. Zilch.

That girl wants to be loved for her mind.

You are drivin' me nuts with this howlin'.

What the hell does it mean? Come on, Fred.

Up there, Roy. Just get her up there,

and all things shall be made clear.

You're pullin' my chain, Fred.

The girl's a virgin.

- And the Pope's Jewish.

- All right.

So how do I get her up there? Put a rope

around her neck? Put handcuffs on her?

Guile, charm, persuasion...

And if that doesn't work, just ask her.

So what happened? Two days' suspension?

- Two games, and 2,000 laps.

- You're kiddin'.

I'm gonna nail her fat ass.

- Hey, Chief. What the hell is this?

- The sheriff's office.

In Wallacetown?

Where the hell's Wallacetown?

You're lookin' at it. It's Porky's

storm troopers. Porky Wallace, get it?

Get this.

Come on, man. Let's go.

- What's this?

- It's a Pigmobile.

It's got a pink interior.

- All right, let's go.

- All right, studs. Everyone got their ID?

I left my ID at home.

Every time we go somewhere,

you find some way to f*** it up.

Pee Wee, they'll take your word for it.

- I knew we shouldn't have brought him.

- I didn't do it on purpose, Tim.

Will y'all knock it off? Jesus.

Meat, give Pee Wee your ID.

- It's got my picture on it.

- You could be twins. Got any other cards?

- Here, use this.

- That's my Bible-school card.

Who'd believe a guy with

a Bible-school card would lie? Act cool.

- Think you can handle that?

- Yeah, sure.

Act like you come here all the time,

but don't overdo it.

- I won't overdo it.

- Let's go.

Yeah, OK.

- It's a coupla years since I been to the joint.

- Yeah, sure. A regular.

- Stop talkin' and start drinkin'.

- How's Porky?

I haven't seen ol' Porky in...

Holy sh*t. It's a p*ssy stampede.

Come on, Tiger. Let's go get 'em.

- Whaddaya want? Beer?

- Yeah, beer would be good.

Heart throbs

Heart throbs

Heart throbs, heart throbs

- That's a buck.

- I'll take care of this.

It's a buck apiece.

- Wanna take a peek?

- Yeah. Yeah.

- Two.

- Yeah, let's see 'em both.

It means it'll cost you

two bucks to see 'em, stupid.

Oh, sh*t, I knew that. I'm just tryin'

to have some fun with the broad.

This broad's hot. She's really hot.

She took the seat beside me

and we rode to paradise

Heart throbs

- Way to go, Tiger.

- You sure took care of those guys.

The guy tried to muff-dive

one of the strippers.

He stuck his nose right in it.

- Mickey.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's your night, Tiger.

Pick the one you want.

I'll take care of it, I'll take care of it.

- Barkeep, I'd like to talk to Porky.

- Porky's busy.

He ain't too busy for what I wanna

talk about. I wanna pay for some p*ssy.

- Pay me.

- I wanna talk to Porky.

OK, if that's what you want.

See? You just gotta

show 'em who's boss, right? Now...

In a minute, darlin'.

Now, sit here and do nothin'.

The racket is to get you

to buy these broads overpriced drinks.

No kiddin'? Hey, Mickey. Porky.

- Who's askin' to see me?

- Well... Mr Porky, I am.

What do you want?

My friends and I would like to party

with five of your girls in Porky's Pen.

- You want five of my piglets up in the pen?

- Yes, sir.

- For how long?

- An hour.

- What you got to spend? Bottle caps?

- 100 bucks.

100 dollars for five ladies?

- Go home, snotnose.

- Hey, Porky...

- Mr Porky.

- How many girls can we have for 100 bucks?

There's five of you, right?

That's a lot of horny d*cks.

Two girls for an hour,

three for a half hour.

- That's all?

- Hey! Nobody's forcin' ya.

It's a long ride back home,

and it's even longer with a hard-on.

- OK. We'll take three for 30 minutes.

- OK. Pick out what you want.

Her... Her in the... And her.

Hey! That's cash in advance.

No, Mick.

- Hey, you. That's the only way I do business.

- OK. OK, no problem.

Got it right here. 20, 40, 50...

Not me. You pay the bartender,

you ridiculous dude.

And if any of you

get outta line with any of my girls,

I'm gonna kick your candied asses

all the way back to Angel Beach.

- You hear me?

- Yes, sir.

See that doorway over there?

You step in there and wait.

- It's dark. I don't want you to be surprised.

- What's this bullshit?

This bullshit is, you're underage kids

and I don't want my liquor license revoked.

The sheriff out here

happens to be a badass mother?

I don't want nobody

to see none of ya with any of my girls.

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