Porky's Page #6

and I just love to have fun.

Hold still, man. She's comin' for it.

Oh, boy. She really wants it.

Here she comes.

She's almost got it.

She's almost got it.

She's got it.

- Oh, jeez.

- I've got you now, Tommy Turner.

- And I'm taking you to the principal.

- Man, this broad is really hot.

Hang in there, buddy.

Somebody get the principal, Mr Carter.

Somebody get the principal.

Does this mean

Tommy and Miss Balbricker are engaged?

Sh*t. Christ.

I know it's you, you little filthy pervert.

Now you...

Sh*t.

You freak.

You filthy little pervert.

I can hear you in there.

You dirty little degenerate.

Now, Mr Carter,

I know this is completely unorthodox,

but I think this is the only way

to find that boy.

Now, that penis had a mole on it.

I'd recognise that penis anywhere.

In spite of the juvenile snickers of some,

this is a serious matter.

That... that seducer and despoiler

must be stopped.

He's extremely dangerous.

And, Mr Carter, I'm certain that

everyone in this room knows who that is.

He's a contemptible little pervert who's...

- Miss Balbricker.

- Well, I'm sorry.

But I've got him now, and I'm not going to

let him slip through my fingers again.

All I'm asking is that you give me

five boys for a few minutes.

The coaches can be present. Tommy Turner,

and any four boys you see fit to choose.

And we... and we

can put a stop to this menace,

and it is a menace.

Well? What are you gonna do about it?

Five young boys in the nude?

A police line-up so that

you can identify his tallywhacker.

Please, please, can we

call it a tallywhacker?

"Penis" is so person... per...

"Penis" is so personal.

Well, we can put hoods over their heads

to avoid embarrassment.

Now, listen. We have got to do it,

as distasteful as it is.

I know it's him.

That tallywhacker had a mole on it,

and that mole is the key to it.

Miss Balbricker, do you realise

the difficulty of your request?

Now, I would be very happy to...

to apprehend the young man myself,

but imagine what

the Board of Education would say

if you were granted a line-up in order

to examine their private pa... pa... pa...

their... their... their...

their private parts

for an incriminating mole.

But, Mr Carter...

Mr Carter?

I think I have a way out of this.

We call the police, and we have 'em

send over one of their sketch artists.

And Miss Balbricker can give a description.

We can put up "Wanted" posters

all over school.

"Have you seen this prick?"

"Report immediately to Beulah Balbricker."

"Do not attempt to apprehend this prick

as it is armed and dangerous."

"It was last seen hanging out in the girls'

locker room at Angel Beach High School."

- There you are. Now let's do it.

- All right.

- Hey, Timmy. Coach gonna let you play?

- Yeah. I've been reinstated.

- That's great.

- OK, guys. Hit the floor.

Yeah, Tim. Us little

guys need our enforcer.

All right, Cavanaugh. Get with it.

"Anytime you're feelin'Ionely"

"Anytime you're feelin'blue"

"Anytime you feel downhearted"

- What's that, Wendy?

- It's a sh*t detector.

- That's the oldestjoke in the world.

- I know.

I liked it.

- So, where's Mickey?

- Meat's with him.

I don't think so.

Hey, Meat. Where's Mickey?

I don't know, man. He gave me the slip.

- Shall we go out there?

- It's too late now.

OK.

Come on, Jew-boy. Hey, watch it, buddy.

Louie, Hymie, Abie, Sam

We're the boys who eat no ham

You really get a kick

out of this, don't you?

You got a big Jew mouth,

just like your big Jew nose.

You're a big man when you're kickin' the

ass outta kids with that sneaky Jap stuff.

Well, come on, boy. Why don't you try

some of that sh*t on me? Come on, Jew-boy.

- Get outta here.

- What?

- You heard what I said.

- Well, who are you talkin' to, boy?

- Trash. Pure trash.

- Now, son, that's no way to talk to your pa.

You know, I wish

you wouldn't have said that,

cos you don't know how humiliatin' it is

to have anybody know you're my pa.

Just stay out of this.

Make sure you're finished,

cos this is the last time you ever lay

a hand on me again, you son of a b*tch.

All right, what's going on here?

Now, you got any more smart talk?

All right, Mr Cavanaugh. I think we can

get you one to three for felonious assault.

Meanwhile, I'll be glad

to finish this off the record.

No. Just let him be. I'm not afraid of him.

I'm not afraid of you.

If you ever come near me again,

I swear to God I'll kill you.

Looks like I'm gonna

make a man out of you yet, boy.

A man?

If being a man means being what you are,

I'd rather be queer.

I'm havin' you put under a peace bond,

Mr Cavanaugh.

You come near this boy again,

I'll have you arrested.

- I'll see you again.

- I'll be lookin' forward to that, Slime.

OK, it's over. Come on,

let's get on back to the dance.

- Well, what are you waitin' for?

- Are you OK?

Yeah, I think I'll be all right.

Look, you know you're welcome to stay

with Tommy or I as long as you like.

- All right. Thanks.

- Why don't you...

OK, girls. If you're gonna kiss each other,

let's get it over with.

Otherwise let's get on

back to the dance, right?

Right.

If Ted hadn't stepped in,

I'd have taught that sucker a new one.

I wonder if he realises

just how lucky he was.

Now, wait a minute. Just wait one minute.

Something's wrong here.

I know what it is.

If we could just... Yeah.

- That satisfies my sense of proportion.

- Man is not known by inches alone.

I got somethin' to satisfy

your sense of proportion.

I'm sure you do.

What the hell is this

tonight, Looney Tunes?

Mickey.

You should see him.

I messed him up good.

- I got the pig's tooth.

- Come on, step aside. Look out.

I think he's got some broken ribs,

maybe a collapsed lung.

Billy, get an ambulance.

No, don't move him, don't move him.

Take off his sweater

and put it behind his head. Real slow.

- See you guys.

- Hey, Ted, we're goin' too.

No, you're not. It's bad enough,

us goin' outtajurisdiction,

without a charge

of contributin' to delinquency.

- But we...

- No buts, Pee Wee.

I don't want to see any

of you guys get hurt.

- Nobody has to get hurt.

- What are you talkin' about, Brian?

Nobody has to get hurt, and your career

doesn't have to be in jeopardy.

Well, I'm all for that.

What have you got in mind, Brian?

- It doesn't have to happen tonight, right?

- No, it doesn't have to be done tonight.

Good. Look, let me talk to you alone

for a second, OK?

OK.

- Count me in.

- You could get fired, Coach.

Are you kiddin'? I gotta be

the worst coach that ever lived.

I'm long gone after this semester anyway.

And don't call me "Coach" any more.

Call me Roy. I'm only 23, for chrissake.

- You look much older.

- Turner, why don't you go sit on a snake?

You see that right there?

Porky gave me that about six years ago.

I've always wanted a shot at that mother.

I'd like to feed him his nuts for lunch.

Brian's got somethin'. Be at his place

four o'clock Sunday, all right?

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