Rat Race

Well, I wake up in the mornin'

Each and everyday

And I sit down at the table

and I hear my daddy say

Life is nothin'

It's a nothin'

Life is nothin'

but a slap in the face

Life is nothin'

It's a nothin'

Life is nothin'

but a fat rat race

Oh, yeah, yeah, oh, yeah, yeah

Oh, yeah, yeah

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah

Every night I have a dream

That you're takin' off your dress

The only thing you're wearin'

is a button on your chest

And the button

it says nothin'

Life is nothin'

but a slap in the face

Life is nothin'

It's a nothin'

Life is nothin'

but a fat rat race

What is life

What is life

A rat race, a rat race

What is life

What is life

A rat race, a rat race

A rat race, a rat-rat race

Oh, yeah, yeah, oh, yeah, yeah

Oh, yeah, yeah

It's a jungle out there

and I know I don't belong

So all night long

I just sing my stupid song

Get a body out

in the rat, in the race

Get a body out

in the rat, in the race

Get a body out in the rat

To the sound of the storm comin'

strictly from the B-A-H-A M-E-N

Life ain't nothin'

but a big rat race

Life ain't nothin'

but a big rat race

Life is nothin'

It's a nothin'

Life is nothin'

but a slap in the face

Life is nothin'

It's a nothin'

Life is nothin'

but a fat rat race

Hi. I'm checking out. 14322.

- Mr. Schaffer?

- That's me.

- I have your bill right here.

- Great. Thank you.

- How was your luck last night?

- I don't-- I didn't gamble.

I was here for a friend's bachelor

party. I guess he's the gambler.

What's this $110?

- Those are your in-room movies.

- I didn't watch any movies.

Okay, let's see. Afro Whores.

Afro Whores?

You watched it--

let's see-- 11 times.

Afro Whores, 2:
30. Afro Whores,

It says in the morning you watched

The Grinch for ten minutes...

and then switched back

over to Afro Whores.

I swear I didn't watch it.

I was at a bachelor party.

There were 35 people there.

You can ask any of them.

- Take that off my record.

- This is not a record, sir.

- It's a delete.

- How many times did you watch it?

None! I didn't watch it.

Are you sure? "Sizzling,

three-way, backdoor action...

featuring

two sexy soul sisters--"

I don't need to know what

it's about. I did not watch it.

I didn't.

Drove 500, and Chipper Jones

struck out in that key situation.

He's 0 for 5,

lost three straight games.

This month he has

a one-game winning streak.

Miss? Miss, can I have

another one of these, please?

Oh, sorry.

I thought you were a woman.

I am a woman.

You know, you look

kind of familiar.

Yeah, you do.

You know, I get that

all the time.

I guess I just have

one of those faces.

And now for our loser of the week.

This week it's a no-brainer.

Referee Owen Templeton made

the biggest bonehead call...

in the history of football.

It happened last Sunday at Dallas

with the score tied at 10.

They were headed towards overtime.

Everything was cool.

They were about to toss the coin

to see who would kick off.

- Dallas, call it in the air.

- Tails.

- That's heads.

- That was tails.

- No. It's--

- That was tails.

No-- Wait! Hang on!

It's-- Now, what did I say?

- Tails!

- It's tails.

- It's heads.

- What are you doin'?

You saw--

Okay, little brother,

just be cool.

Just be cool.

Okay, this is it.

See that glass?

Walk across the lobby, slip on

the glass, let gravity do the rest.

I might "eak" my neck.

True. You could break your neck.

It's a risk I'm willing to take.

Why don't "oo" do it?

Because, Einstein, one of us

needs to be the victim...

and one of us needs

to be the witness.

I'm your own brother.

I don't know what you're sayin'.

How's your tongue?

Let me see it.

How's it look?

It looks good.

It looks much better.

Okay, here we go.

We're on Candid Camera,

so make it look good.

Excuse me. I'm a lawyer.

Gloria Allred.

- What the hell happened here?

- She slipped on that glass.

Those arrogant jerks. They're gonna

pay for this through the nose.

How's your neck?

I've never seen such negligence.

This is going to be huge.

She's an angel.

What a cute little face.

Would you look at those cheeks?

- She's absolutely beautiful.

- She has your eyes.

It's the only picture

I have of her.

It's all worn out 'cause

I'm always looking at it.

- You haven't seen her for 27 years?

- Not till today.

-She just called you out of the blue?

-No, I found her.

I hired a detective. I spent all

my money. Now we're going to meet.

- You think she'll recognize me?

- Of course she will, won't she?

- Yeah.

- She will.

Vera Baker.

My baby--

Excuse me.

I have to take this.

This is Merrill.

No! That's unacceptable!

If we don't ship by Tuesday, we won't

be in the stores by Mother's Day.

That's unacceptable, so don't

give me any excuses, and do it!

Do it!

Just shut up and get it done!

Oh, honey,

you broke your phone.

It's okay. I carry extras.

- Why don't we sit down?

- Yes.

You probably have

a thousand questions for me.

I was young. I didn't tell

anybody I was pregnant.

And I felt I could handle it

at the time.

Hi. Do you think

you gals could...

pull yourselves together

and bring us a drink?

- Yeah.

- Sure.

Sure. What would you like?

Mimosa.

They both want a mimosa.

So, you sell cosmetics?

Yeah. I have my own company.

And we're going public.

And you're not married?

- Lucianne said you wouldn't.

- Who?

She's my psychic. She's the one

who told me to come look for you.

She said you needed me.

- She did?

- She said you were lonely...

and you were worried about money

and you had trouble sleeping.

Who the hell isn't?

See? I told you

we didn't need a bellman.

Yeah, well, congratulations, Randy.

You avoided another tip.

Those nickels and dimes

add up, my dear.

- I call this bed!

- Hey, no fair.

- You got to pick last night.

- Go to hell, Jason.

- Make me.

- Hey, language, please.

- Bev, his and her bathrobes.

- Yes.

- Look at that view.

- Yeah.

- Nice view.

- Okay, honey. Why don't you unpack?

- Okay.

- I'm just gonna go look around.

Wait, wait, wait.

You're not going to the casino?

No, no, of course not.

I just drove from the Grand Canyon.

Gotta stretch my legs.

You swore to me on your mother's eyes

we are here to see David Copperfield.

- No gambling.

- I'm just lookin' around.

In fact, I'm gonna go

to the gift shop.

I can jump farther than you.

- I can jump farther.

- No way. Watch.

That's gotta hurt.

Honey, kids need ya.

- Hey, Nick. Nicky!

- Hey.

- You're not leaving?

- I'm in court on Tuesday.

- No, you're not.

- I work for people who are.

You p*ssy. You can't leave.

It's still goin' on up there.

Richie, I have to.

I've had two hours sleep.

Steve Cunningham just got another

stripper. You got to see this one.

- She's incredible.

- I got to get back.

No, you don't, Nick.

I know you. You're scared.

You're scared it's gonna

get out of control up there.

Someday you'll be up for attorney

general and it'll haunt you.

- I'm not having this conversation.

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