Red Garters Page #3

This is Miss Calaveras Kate, the shining light

of our local theatrical world.

Currently appearing at the Red Dog Saloon...

featured in all the latest songs and dances.

A little souvenir for you.

Thank you.

I am Judge Wallace Winthrop of Boston, sir.

And this is my niece, Miss Sheila Winthrop.

How do you do?

-And I am Rafael Moreno.

-And I'm just a stranger.

Do you usually welcome guests

to your community...

by such a disgraceful exhibition

as we just witnessed?

What did you expect on the spur

of the moment? A massacre?

Most of the time, I win.

Why was there nobody in town to greet us...

except a small boy who is being punished

for shooting up the schoolhouse?

And a most offensive little brat at that.

He offered me ''a chaw of tobaccer.''

The lad is generous to a fault.

What brings you to our fair city, Judge?

I, sir, have the honor to be the head

of the Presidential Commission.

Appointed to study and report

on the alarming increase in lawlessness...

in certain of our western states.

Why, shucks, Judge,

you're wasting your time here.

I don't know. Do you, Calaveras?

Anybody know what he's talking about?

-How dare you?

-As I was saying, Judge, I....

Judge.

I don't know of any condition

of lawlessness hereabouts...

that warrants your interference, sir.

What about that crime wave

that just passed through?

That? That's just the Patterson boys

shooting it up with the McGregors.

Why, sure. That happens every day.

Ladies and gents!

Choose and grab your partners

for the Sacramento Stomp!

Judge, this is something

you and your niece sure have to see.

One of you boys take care

of the Judge's team.

Miss, if you'll allow me

to help you out here?

There we are.

May I have the honor?

That is, if Jason does not object.

Of course he doesn't.

Here, hold these, Jason.

He's got a gal in Alabama

Got one in old Cheyenne

Loves a young one or a grandma

'Cause he's a ladies' man

Ladykiller loves them all

Ladykiller, see how they fall

He don't give a hoot in Hades

if she's a snooty gal

Treats her like the other ladies

when she's in his corral

Ladykiller loves them all

Ladykiller, see how they fall

If I know that Rafael,

he's doing all that just for you.

I'm not the least bit interested.

Climb aboard my sliver saddle

kiss every girl I see

Before you know it I skedaddle

no gal is roping me.

Ladykiller, that's my way

Ladykiller, that's what they say

Must be the mating season.

-Mighty fine stepping, Calaveras. Here.

-Yes, it was very nice.

-Mighty fine stepping, Calaveras. Here.

-Yes, it was very nice.

-Judge, I think this calls for refreshments.

-Thank you.

-I'm exhausted. Come on.

-Excellent notion.

Get out of my way, you bandit, you!

That Miss Winthrop is fascinated by me.

And I must admit I'm fascinated by her, too.

She's mighty pretty,

but she looks kind of frost-bit to me.

No, my friend.

Beneath that icy exterior smolders

a fire that need only be fanned into a flame.

She still looks kind of frost-bit to me.

You called me a bandit, and you are right.

So, I have come to steal from you

one little smile.

If it'll make you happy,

I'll laugh out loud at you.

I think you are capable of other,

more tender emotions.

Ready, my dear.

I was just inquiring of your so lovely niece...

if there was some slight service

I might do for her.

Yes, go away and leave me alone.

Why did you treat that man so rudely?

-Perhaps it's because I'm afraid.

-Of what?

Him. Me. I don't know.

All contestants will now line up

for the chicken-picking race!

All right, now, you all know the rules.

You grab your chicken and you start picking.

And the lady whose chicken is picked

the most naked at the finish, she wins.

All right, now, line up. No fudging now.

On your mark. Get set....

By unanimous decision of the Judge,

Ginger Pete...

the winner is Mrs. Bear-Who-Fears-No-Man!

I was robbed. I was crooked.

I never stood a chance.

My chicken's breathing!

-Go away, Minnie.

-Minnie is right.

Whoever slipped

that live chicken into the deal...

sure enough cold-decked her. A whole heap.

Did you hear what he said?

Hear what the man said?

Are you calling me a crook?

You can either be a crook

or admit you're blind.

-Take your choice.

-Hold on there.

-We don't want no bloodshed.

-What?

Let me finish.

We don't want no bloodshed

so close to the barbecue.

If he don't get his ugly mug

away from mine...

-there's sure gonna be some.

-Reach!

-there's sure gonna be some.

-Reach!

Like to borrow my six-gun, mister?

I could have told you about that.

You know, stranger, I think maybe Minnie

might've been cold-decked at that.

-Just a little bit.

-You're my lover-duck.

Say, ain't you from down Pike County way?

Why, yeah, Minnie,

at one time I lived down that way.

Now, I know who you are.

I'd never mistake

that Randall draw anywhere.

Randall!

-Your name's Randall?

-Why, yeah, come, to think of it.

Reb Randall.

I guess I just plumb forgot

to mention it before, Billy.

Guess I know why, too.

What you gonna do about the man

which killed your brother?

First of all, I guess I'll just have to find out

who did kill my brother, Billy.

Why does the burden

of tracking down the murderer...

fall upon that poor, bereaved young man?

Where's your sheriff?

Down here in Limbo County, Judge,

we don't need no sheriff...

to take care of anyone

which kills one of our brothers.

Do you mean Reb Randall proposes

to take the law into his own hands?

You don't understand

about Western chivalry, Judge.

Why, Reb there was willing

to kill Ginger Pete...

over a common

ordinary chicken-picking race.

So unless somebody discourages him...

what do you think he'll do to the man

who shot his brother?

You mean....

I make it clear enough

I don't take any guff

And that's the way I've always been

And if some ornery pup

should get my dander up

Please notify his next of kin

With a whoop and a holler

and a dime and a dollar

I'm a lucky son of a gun

Wherever I go I guess you know

I tip my hat to none

With a whoop and a holler

and a dime and a dollar

I'm a lucky son of a gun

-Hiya, duck.

-Hiya, Minnie. This a hotel?

Sure thing, duck,

and every room guaranteed coyote-proof.

Say, Minnie, you got any notion

who killed my brother?

Only notion what come

to Minnie's mind is old Indian proverb.

Proverb?

Only a fool risks his neck

for the sake of honor.

The wise man never

fight over anything he can't eat...

put in his pocket or make love to.

-I don't quite follow you, Min.

-You don't have to.

I'll take this hay-burner to the barn.

-Hello, stranger.

-Why, hello, Miss De La Cruz.

-You live here?

-Yes, I do.

-Your name's Reb Randall, isn't it?

-You know, huh?

Why, I saw what happened

between you and Jason, Reb.

Was it about me?

You know, Susana...

that Carberry's sure enough

got your best interests at heart.

I'm a whole heap glad

he didn't make me kill him.

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