Return to Nuke 'Em High Volume 1

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NARRATOR:

Greetings from Tromaville.

Let me take you back,

back to where it all began...

to a small town

in New Jersey.

At that time, the Tromaville

nuclear power plant

had a horrifying meltdown,

tainting the water supply

of Tromaville High School,

which was carelessly located

right next door.

Heinous mutations occurred,

transforming the student body

into radiated creatures

and cretins.

Well, not every student

turned evil.

Our heroes Warren and Chrissy

saved the day

by blowing up

the nuclear power plant

and the school therein,

eliminating evil

and setting things

back to normal.

Oh, and some other stuff

also happened.

But today,

since criticizing nuclear power

is no longer in vogue,

at least in movies,

the Tromaville nuclear power plant

has been bulldozed

to make way for

the environmentally friendly,

health-conscious

Tromorganic Foodstuffs Inc,

built directly on top

of the old nuclear plant.

What could go wrong?

This is no typical remake.

I want you to join me

as we "Return to Nuke 'Em High"!

Oh, by the way, excelsior!

Nuke 'Em High

Nuke 'Em High

The sun comes up,

a brand-new day

The student body,

time to pray

They take that test,

they concentrate

'Cause no one wants

to be a waste

But outside of

The classroom walls

The Geiger counter

Tells it all

Can't see or feel

or smell or taste

The remnants

of the nuclear waste

I just

Really want to know

I just

Really want to know

What's going on

At Nuke 'Em High?

What's going on

At Nuke 'Em High?

What's going on

At Nuke 'Em High?

What's going on...

( MAN AND WOMAN MOANING )

At Nuke 'Em High?

WOMAN:
That's hot.

( SCREECHING )

Your wiener feels like

it's flopping around

like a fish without oxygen.

You're fishing with John, baby.

Your name's John?

No, it's Gil, but whatevs.

OMG,

f*** me with your

fish dick, Gil!

Oh! Something's got me.

- I got you, baby.

- No, no.

Your box... it's biting me.

Whatever you're doing,

it's getting me hot.

No, don't stop.

( BOTH SCREAMING )

( SCREAMING )

( SCREAMING )

What kind of god...?

( JANITOR SINGING )

Nuke 'Em High

What's going on

At Nuke 'Em High?

Eh.

( COW MOOING )

( FACTORY WHISTLE BLOWS )

Stack some medals,

don't make a fuss

Forget about the two of us...

( DEVICE BLEEPING )

We're off to war

- Doesn't matter if you'll agree

- MAN:
Hi. Hi.

You're here to kill,

you see...

( MAN OVER SPEAKERS )

Attention, Tromorganic employees,

please stop dancing

and acting goofy.

President and CEO Herzkauf

will be making

his inspection shortly.

And do your best...

- ( MAN FARTS )

- Stick some bayonets

In some chests...

Now look, laddie,

I want my ultracheap foodstuffs

in every school in New Jersey

at inflated prices.

That is the basis of our plan,

and you know it.

No fast-food place

will take my food anymore.

Hmm?

( SCREAMS )

God damn it!

Now you... you, Westly, as principal

of the guinea pig charter school...

- Sir, the president's on the line!

- Give me that.

Oh! Why do you do that?

Yes, Mr. President.

- Disconnected.

- I'll get him back!

Now what is all this about

a rogue student blog, Pollution Nerdz,

talking about my foodstuffs

contaminating the groundwater

and poisoning the students?

It's slanderous.

And it may be true.

If word got out, we'd be ruined.

I got him back!

( ARNOLD GASPS )

I'm going to...

give me that. Give me that.

Yes, Mr. President.

Oh, everything is just going

beautifully... beautifully.

Look, there's...

there's always gonna...

( HERZKAUF GURGLING )

There's always gonna be a Zuckerberg

in every school. Everything's fine.

Yes. And I'll see you

in Havana.

Yeah, I'll get the hookers.

Don't bring Michelle.

- Something wrong, boss?

- Everything is fine.

You just pay attention to that slogan

the spinmasters gave us:

"Propagation is health."

"Propagation is health."

And make sure... make sure those

students at Tromaville High School

are loving it!

Are loving it!

- Oh, man.

- What do you want?

This Plasti taco mix foodstuff

don't look right, boss.

Well, you want to go green,

don't you?

It looks green to me.

( LAUGHING LOUDLY )

Get over here, you bastard.

Give me my milk.

Give me that.

Give me that.

Ah!

( WOLF HOWLING )

( MOANING )

You were 17...

( GRUNTING )

( YELLING )

Do I look ripped, babe?

Oh, yeah.

- ( EUGENE PANTING )

- Yeah.

Oh-ho-ho-ho.

What's he gonna do?

- What's he gonna do?

- What's he gonna do?

- Ohh-hh.

- Ohh-hh.

( EUGENE MOANING )

Uh, Eugene.

Eugene.

Uh, Eugene.

Eugene. Eugene!

( GASPS ) What is it?

Uh, it's that time of the month

and it's a horror movie

down there, so...

Again?

That's what you said last week.

You know, I have toxic shock

syndrome from all the tampons.

And I got a headache, so...

Look, Chrissy,

I think you're super sexy

in a butch kind of way,

which is weird, because

what does that say about me?

But we've been talking

about having sweet, sweaty,

dirty, kinky, really weird,

f***ed-up teenage sex

in my big, blue,

white-cream-leather-seat

El Dorado for months now

and this is all I get?

You have to be kidding me!

( SCREAMS )

( PANTING )

At least you broads

won't let me down.

( GRUNTING )

Oh, I really need to get

another subscription.

( GRUNTING )

( GROANING )

Argh!

Oh, you're missing out.

You're really missing out.

You have no idea.

Argh!

Look out, Tromaville High.

Here comes the new girl.

Oh.

( GRUNTING )

Hey, new girl,

look at these titties.

They're bigger than yours.

You want to go

to the prom with me?

Where you going?

What's her deal?

I don't know, but she is hot.

She's a rich b*tch.

How the f*** would you know,

micro phallus?

( WESTLY OVER SPEAKERS )

Attention, students.

Please empty all items

into the plastic tray

before passing through

the metal detector.

We've gone three days

without a shooting.

Let's keep it up.

Come on.

She lives in Tromaville Heights.

My dad sold her family

their McMansion,

kind of like the one

you live in,

Marilyn McManson.

( SNAPS FINGERS )

You twat.

Thank God for Zoloft

and thrift stores.

Would you pull this, please?

( GRUNTING )

Please, please, please,

let go, let go, let go.

Come on, guys, let's go.

- Oh.

- ( ALARM PULSING )

( DEVICE BEEPING )

( WHIMPERS )

The pope retired.

( SCHOOL BELL RINGS )

F*** you.

- ( GRUNTS )

- Oh.

I am so sorry.

I really didn't...

A brownnosing little rich girl

late for intramural Ping-Pong?

Ping-Pong is on Wednesdays.

Today is Monday.

I am right about one thing,

though, Miley Cyrus:

You are a brownnosing

little rich girl.

Looks like Mommy and Daddy

won't be able to save you

from a beating this time.

You know what?

Some of us

actually have plans

for our future

that don't involve binge drinking,

trailer parks or food stamps.

- Ow! F***!

- ( BOYS LAUGHING )

I'm gonna get you, rich girl.

Ow.

( DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES )

LAUREN:

Kevin, I'm home!

( QUACKING )

I love you, Kevin.

I know you'll never leave me.

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