Return to Nuke 'Em High Volume 1 Page #2

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( MUSIC PLAYING )

( LAUREN QUACKS )

It's great being rich

and having a duck as a pet.

( INSECTS CHIRPING )

( QUACKING )

CHRISSY:

Okay, time to check my blog

and see how many eyes

I've opened up

with my investigation

of Tromorganic Farms.

OMG!

18 whole page views.

18 people have checked in.

What a month.

I'll need more bandwidth.

Here are some exclusive photos

from member

Deeper Throat.

Not only does Tromorganics

secretly mix in

what appears to be

sweetened wallpaper paste,

but the contaminated groundwater

is everywhere.

( YAWNING ) The contaminated...

contamination...

um...

Cyber malaise.

Tiredness.

Horniness.

Where is that one site

with that chick that looks like

Angelina Jolie in "Gia"?

Jackpot.

All aboard the skin boat

to tuna town.

- ( MOANING )

- Vagina, vagina

Vagina in the sky

Vagina, vagina

Vagina in the sky...

- ( MOANING LOUDER )

- Vagina

In the sky,

now every night...

Is everything okay in here, dear?

I heard crying.

Yeah, Aunt Bee.

I'm just feeling a little...

Sad about being an orphan?

Now that you mention it.

No, that's not it.

I bet I know what it is.

- You do?

- Well, of course I do.

Don't worry, honey.

Someday you'll find the right boy.

( CHUCKLES )

The right boy, yeah.

And don't you worry,

he won't be some deadbeat

goat sucker like your

stinking father,

that twat.

What's that?

Looks like

foreshadowing?

Dinner's at 7:
00.

It's tuna.

Please, God,

get me out of this

Tromaville hole.

Ugh.

( BIRDS CHIRPING )

( YAWNS )

( FARTS )

Nooo!

Kevin. Kevin.

No.

Macaroni.

I'm calling

But no one will be hearing...

( WESTLY OVER SPEAKERS )

Attention, students,

due to a recent outbreak

of jock itch and rectal rashes,

Coach Sandusky would like

all members of the boys'

wrestling team

to surrender their jockstraps

to him immediately.

( PLAYING AND SINGING OUT OF TUNE )

Amazing

Grace...

How sweet...

Attention, students.

Now I know you're all

looking forward

to today's luncheon

Super Duper Taco Tuesday

Spectacular,

but it's come to my attention

that there's a blogger out there

by the name of Lettuce Lover 69

and they run the blog called

Pollution Nerdz.

I have checked in on this

Pollution Nerdz blog

18 times this month.

Now this blog is spreading

a lot of slanderous lies

about Tromaville High

and Tromorganic Foodstuffs Inc.

They also have

a very bad attitude

towards conservative

principles in general.

( SOBS )

Leave Ronald Reagan alone.

- ( BLOWS WHISTLE )

- ( GIRLS GIGGLING )

Now I'm all for free speech.

Otherwise why would I put out

these thought-inhibiting

announcements every morning?

But these lies about

contaminated, cheap

and 98% Plasti filler

tainted foodstuffs

are just malarkey.

Have you seen my duck?

His name is Kevin.

( SNICKERS )

Oh.

LAUREN:
Have you seen

my missing duck?

SANDUSKY:
Can a duck

fill you up like Jesus?

What kind of god

allows an innocent duck

to go missing?

Hey, there's that snotty rich girl.

I think she really likes me.

- Hey, Twinkie.

- Hey!

Ah!

What a rich,

stuck-up b*tch.

Why won't anyone go out with me?

Yo, did you hear

Principal Westly's announcement?

Are you gonna take down

Pollution Nerdz?

Yo, Jeraldo!

Caw-caw!

Caw-caw!

Uh, would Gertrude Stein

take down her blog?

Hell, no. So I stay full steam ahead

with Pollution Nerdz

and let's sally forth.

Gertrude Stein was a rich

slacker bullshitter

and her so-called poetry stunk.

And please don't even go there

with Sally Forth...

another sexually repressed

white American soccer mom

who had boring adventures at work

and at home with no vibrator.

You deserve your own

PBS special.

- You know what you deserve?

- What's that, Henry Gates?

Two feet shoved up

your f***ing...

Guys, my mom made me

a juicy roast beef sammich

with dipping sauce...

dipping sauce.

You heard what he said, guys...

dipping sauce.

You know what that means, right?

Yeah, and I can feel my blood sugar

dipping right now.

- I want to eat it.

- Let's go.

It's cheaper than monkey sh*t,

and these kids can't get enough

of it in their gullet.

BOY:
Hey, what's that green stuff

in the gluten-free tacos

for Terrance, the glee club,

and the other nerds?

BOY #2:
Oh, that? That's just

nonchemically polluted guacamole.

BOY #1:
Wait, why did you mention

they were nonchemically polluted?

BOY #2:

Uh, no reason.

BOY #1:

Eh, whatever. I'm hungry.

( CRUNCHING )

GIRL:

Hey, Terrance!

How's that green, gluten-free,

nonchemically polluted taco?

Maybe we need

A different city

Maybe we need

A different town

Maybe we need

A different city

Maybe we need

A different town.

Hi, guys.

Mind if I sit here?

No.

Oh, my God.

( MAN FARTS )

Hi. I'm Lauren.

- ( GUNFIRE )

- ( STUDENTS SCREAMING )

Don't worry,

it's just another school shooting.

CNN won't even

cover them anymore.

You can chill.

Wow, rich girl

ain't f***ing around.

Where did you get

your lunch box... Tiffany's?

( LAUGHING )

Hey, you guys,

I heard about this sick

party/rave

in one of Tromaville's

356 foreclosed houses.

You all should come.

That sick party/rave

happens to be happening

in my foreclosed house,

thank you very much.

But it's only a small gathering,

so please keep it on the down low.

Gross.

Guys, guys, what with exams

coming up and whatnot,

a blowout party/rave

is just what Eugene needs!

Great.

I'm so happy for Eugene, who refers

to himself in the third person

and will finally be able to blow off

some steam at my expense.

I actually heard on NPR

that the stress of studying for exams

and getting into a good college

is actually worse

than the stress

our soldiers face

in Afghanistan.

- ( SNICKERS )

- The next time your car

gets blown up by an IED

or you're forced to bag the bodies

of children killed by a suicide bomber,

you tell me if that stress

is greater than getting into Hobart.

- ( CHRISSY SNAPS FINGERS )

- STUDENTS:
Oh!

Wow, Slater,

you have family members

in Afghanistan?

No.

But I did illegally download

"The Hurt Locker"

and got sued by the filmmakers.

You see, Lauren,

now that's stress.

Look at this b*tch

and her Jap food.

( BOY GIGGLING )

Miso soup, me so hungry.

( LAUREN GRUNTING )

Get away from me, you bully.

( SLOWED DOWN ) I am so,

so sorry.

( STUDENTS CHANTING )

Fight, fight, fight, fight!

LAUREN:

What are you doing?

Punch her uterus!

( SHRIEKS )

Stop! That's enough.

You are both going to detention

after school today.

That's it. Get out.

- I'm gonna get you, rich girl.

- Shut it!

Get up.

( SNARLS )

Uh, Lauren, hi.

Uh, my name is Zac.

- Let me help you with that.

- No, I got it.

I just... I was wondering

if sometime maybe you would

want to come over

and we could watch Joel Schumacher's

"Batman and Robin."

Or maybe you're more

of a "Transformers" girl.

They're more than meets the eye.

As long as it's not one of those

god-awful "Star Wars" prequels,

we're all good.

Zac, that's really nice

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