Return to Nuke 'Em High Volume 1 Page #3

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and everything, but...

- It's 'cause I'm fat, right?

- No.

- A lard-ass, right?

- No.

To you, I'm just a jelly roll,

jizz dwarf,

snatch badger, ass troll

who eats donuts and cakes

and Twinkies and pies

with his fat, fat, fatty-fat

piehole, right?

What?

What do all those words

even mean?

Or maybe...

maybe you don't even

like boys at all.

No.

No, it's because you smell

like roast beef.

( ZAC WHIMPERING )

Shh. Shh. Shh.

- Shh, shh. It's okay. It's okay.

- ( ZAC CONTINUES WHIMPERING )

Guys, guys, guys.

We like that smell, right?

- Roast beef?

- No, he smells like sh*t.

You shouldn't have said

"Batman and Robin," man.

It's "Batman Forever."

"Batman Forever," baby.

( MOANING )

( GAGGING )

Help.

Help.

( GRUNTING )

BOY:
Whoa.

( SCREAMING )

Goddamn diabetic kids.

You're out of your mind.

I love Justin Bieber.

Justin Bieber is the best.

TERRANCE:

Whoa. Whoa.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa!

GIRL:
Come on, guys.

This is awesome. Come on.

( SCREAMING )

SANDUSKY:
What in the name

of Christ is going on here?

Look, I love Justin Bieber.

- ( STUDENTS SCREAMING )

- ( JIGGLES LAUGHING )

No! Why?

- ( CELL PHONES CLICKING )

- OMG, this picture will totally get me

at least six more forwards

on Instagram.

This is so going on my blog.

I'm just waiting

for Myspace to come back.

WESTLY:

Stop, everyone!

Step back, come on.

This is a horrible accident.

Step back now.

Step back.

Give him his dignity.

Is there a doctor in the house?

( POPS )

Scratch that.

Is there a janitor in the house?

Now it's a well-known fact

that this student was

a smoker of the marijuana.

And I'm willing to bet

that his dental records will prove

he was a drama student.

And the smoking of ganja

has been known

to cause cranial explosions

and this type of thing

in overly dramatic students.

What?

Wait, wait.

Actually, I've just been

informed

that we've all witnessed here

is in fact a drama department's

latest venture.

It's a remake of Arthur Miller's classic

"Death of a Salesman"

as imagined by

Christopher Nolan.

So nothing to see here.

Everyone back to class.

BOY:

Hey, watch it.

Why are you bullying me?

What have I ever done to you?

Bullying?

You think I'm a bully?

You want to know why?

Because people like you

have it so easy.

Poor little rich girl

never had to work a day in her life

while I can barely afford lunch.

It makes me sick.

So f*** you.

Why don't you stick your silver

chopstick up your bento box?

You don't know me.

And I don't own

any silver chopsticks.

What's with

the skinless Furbies?

I like babies.

I want to have

a lot of them one day.

Only fame-whore teen moms

who want to be on MTV,

rich kids and drooling idiots

want to have babies.

That's it, Chrissy Goldberg.

To the principal's office, now.

But Westly said if I show up one more

time this year, he'll suspend me.

Wait, Miss Bliss, it was me.

I was the one who was talking.

I'm new here

and I don't know too many people,

so I just...

Well, all right.

Just sit down and shut up.

Okay.

No more talking.

That was stupid, rich girl.

The new girl has beautiful hair.

What did you say?

Uh, I said old Westly looks like

a fat-ass bear.

( LAUGHING )

Your jokes make me so hot.

We should totally bang tonight.

( SHRIEKS )

Taco Tuesday was a huge success.

But, unfortunately,

we also suffered

a horrible tragedy.

We all loved

and respected little

Timmy... Tommy...

Terrance Horowitz, I don't know.

But like Mama Cass

from The Mamas and the Papas

who choked to death

on a ham sandwich,

this unfortunate kid,

whatever his name was,

suffered the same

accidental fate.

Now I can't stress enough

the word "accidental" there.

No! 'Twas those terrible

Tuesday Tacos

that tragically

transformed Terrance.

Nice alliteration, yo.

Don't you people see?

It was the food!

Get him out.

Get him out.

- Security. Out.

- No.

- No. No.

- Get him out of here.

- No!

- ( GIRL EXCLAIMING )

No. No!

"The Class of Nuke 'Em High"

was an inside job!

You've got the wrong person,

you blind bozo.

Now I would like

to further eulogize

our decapitated

comrade in education

by having our lovely

glee club come out

to sing a song.

( STUDENTS BOOING )

You know, Patrick, the glee club

isn't as gay as it used to be,

thanks to the Fox Network.

Head explod...

head exploding is a serious

problem, y'all.

And we're here to talk about it.

So if you're worried, don't be,

'cause we are too.

Three, four...

- ( OUT OF TUNE ) Amazing...

- ( STUDENTS BOOING )

Grace

- How sweet...

- GIRL:
This sucks.

The sound

- That saved...

- GIRL:
Get off the stage!

A wretch

Like me

I once

Was lost

But now

I'm found

Was blind...

( CRUNCHING )

But now

- I see.

- I see!

( SCREAMING )

( GASPS )

Oh!

( CHEERING )

Yeah!

( GROWLS )

( SHRIEKS )

GIRL:
Oh, my God,

the glee club is bulimic!

( ROARING )

( SCREAMING )

( ROARING )

( SCREAMING )

( GROANING )

Ah!

Hey, wait up.

Do you guys notice

anything different?

Whoa, we've mutated.

And my wheelchair has illogically

mutated too.

And I think I can feel my legs.

No, never mind.

Still a cripple.

Oh, snap.

Kick-f***ing-ass!

- Yeah.

- ( ALL ROARING )

Whoa.

( CACKLES )

Come on.

( LAUGHING )

Stack some medals

- Don't make a fuss...

- ( GUNSHOTS )

Forget about the...

( TIRES SCREECH )

( GIRL SCREAMS )

These jugglers are f***ing nuts.

( GUNSHOTS )

- ( AIR HISSES )

- ( ALL SCREAMING )

( SCREAMING )

( TAKES A BREATH )

( CONTINUES SCREAMING )

( SCREAMING STOPS )

We're alive.

It's a motherfucking miracle.

( GUNSHOT )

( LAUGHING )

( DOG BARKS, FARTS )

- What kind of a god allows me...

- ( QUACKS )

...on this crappy

teacher's salary

to be forced to live

out of my car?

What kind of a god are you?

I'd even take

a shoebox apartment,

even if it is

in Tromaville crack town.

- ( TIRES SCREECH )

- CRETINS:
Whoo!

Uh-oh.

ALL:

Hey, Mrs. Crabtree.

( SCREAMING )

Sweet Adeline

Sweet Adeline...

ADELINE:

Your singing is terrible.

My Adeline

My Adeline...

At night, dear heart

At night, dear heart...

For you I pine

For you I pine...

( CONTINUES SCREAMING )

- Hey, Mrs. Crabtree.

- Huh?

You know, when I was a kid,

all the kids used to tease me,

call me a cripple.

Yeah, yeah.

Now I'm the only one I know

that can run a quarter mile

each day

on their arms!

Do it.

- ( QUACKS )

- ( ADELINE SCREAMS )

Oh, snap.

( LAUGHS )

Oh, my God, I'm hard...

( SPITS )

...for the first time.

Oh.

- Oh, my God.

- ( PUMPING )

Oh, my God, I'm hard.

Oh, God!

( LAUGHING )

- Ein...

- ( QUACKS )

...zwei, drei!

( SCREAMS )

( SPLASHES )

Oh, snap.

( ROARS )

( LAUGHS ) Come on, come on.

Ichi, ni, san!

( DOG WHINING )

( LAUGHING )

KEVIN:

What the f***?

Hey!

- Let's go shoot up a movie theater.

- Yeah.

( QUACKING )

( FARTS )

LAUREN:
Kevin!

( KEVIN QUACKS )

- Kevin!

- ( KEVIN QUACKING )

Kevin, where are you?

( KEVIN QUACKING )

Kevin!

( KEVIN QUACKING )

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