Return to Nuke 'Em High Volume 1 Page #4

---

Kevin. Oh.

Oh, don't you ever, ever, ever

do that again.

Do you hear me?

I was so worried about you.

It's okay. It's okay.

- Mommy's here now.

- ( KEVIN FARTS )

Oh, poor baby,

what's all over your beak?

( KEVIN QUACKS )

- ( CRETINS GRUNTING )

- ( MOTOR REVVING )

( KEVIN QUACKING )

( CRETINS LAUGH )

- Oh, oh, oh, oh

- KEVIN:
Quack

One little, two little,

three little ducklings

Four little, five little,

six little ducklings

Seven little, eight little,

nine little ducklings

- Ten little tiny ducks.

- Give him back.

Please give me my duck back.

Please give me my duck back.

Oh, for a kiss, I will.

I'd just as soon kiss a duck.

I can arrange that.

( SCREAMING )

Oh, no, no.

Please, no.

- ALL:
Duck rape!

- ( LAUGHING )

- Give me the duck.

- Duck rape!

Smile for the birdie.

- Duck rape.

- ( KEVIN QUACKING )

( LAUGHING )

Loser.

Loser.

( SCREAMING )

( KEVIN QUACKING )

I'm sorry.

( C*CKS GUN )

If you guys were tough,

you wouldn't need weapons.

- ( MUFFLED SCREAMS )

- ( MUFFLED QUACKING )

Sorry, I'm kind of busy

right now.

Whoa.

Sorry, duck down throat

is not covered under Obamacare.

Ugh.

( SHOP BELL DINGS )

( LAUREN WHIMPERING )

- ( SCREAMS )

- ( KEVIN QUACKS )

- ( GONG SOUNDS )

- ( KEVIN QUACKING )

GIRLS:

Ooh.

( LAUREN MUMBLING )

Uh, I'm still busy.

Ooh!

Gonna kill myself tonight,

oh, yeah

- Kill myself tonight, all right.

- ( LAUREN SCREAMING )

Sh*t.

( TIRES SCREECH )

- Hey.

- ( HONKING HORN )

Why did the chick with a duck

in her mouth cross the road?

Get in, foul mouth.

What, is this some kind of

political statement, rich girl?

- ( MUMBLING )

- Really?

Really?

- God damn.

- ( MUMBLING )

Oh, whatever, I owe you one.

That bird in your mouth

really brings out your eyes.

All right, welcome.

Okay, um...

eww.

( KEVIN QUACKING )

( GRUNTING )

- ( MUFFLED SCREAMING )

- Oh. What?

( BOTH GRUNTING )

( FARTS )

- Oh!

- ( KEVIN QUACKS )

Ugh.

- I...

- Oh, I...

Come on, we'll just go relax.

Aw.

- ( KEVIN QUACKING )

- Hi, Kevin.

( QUACKS )

- ( SCREAMS )

- ( KEVIN LAUGHING )

- Huh?

- Huh?

Damn duck must have got

into some bath salts.

Thank you.

Yeah, whatever.

So...

I'm going

to this party tonight and...

Oh, I should go,

let you get ready.

Uh, rich girl...

do you want to go?

( BOTH GIGGLE )

( CROWD CHEERING )

( BOTH BELCH )

I got a call

from the other side today

When he hung up the phone,

I forgot to hear what he had to say...

Really? Does this look like

a garbage dump to you?

Chrissy.

Some a**holes posted

my address on Facebook.

Now look.

I think it was the producers

of "The Hurt Locker."

They had my IP address.

I know it.

Uh-huh.

Slater, you remember Lauren?

Yeah. Aloha.

Didn't you guys hate each other,

like, eight hours ago?

Uh, don't you want to get rid

of the social hand grenades?

Whoa!

Us black people

can't get enough white p*ssy,

and I'm just saying that my chances

might be pretty solid

if I get a white girl

drunk enough.

MAN:
Yo, Slater, the donkey took

a huge sh*t in the bathtub.

I gotta go.

Do you hang up the phone

and do you lay it to rest...

- Feeling better?

- Yeah, much. Thanks.

I needed to get my mind

off that, you know, duck rape.

( PHONE CHIMES )

Eugene just broke up with me.

Oh, no. I'm so sorry.

Over a text?

Yeah. He's an idiot.

He didn't even finish the message.

( GAGGING )

Eww.

- Let's dance.

- Okay.

This is the last song

I'll ever write

Gonna kill myself tonight

Gonna kill myself tonight

This is the last song

I'll ever write

Gonna kill myself tonight

This is the last song

I'll ever write

Gonna kill myself tonight

I'm gonna kill myself

tonight

This is the last song

I'll ever write

Gonna kill myself tonight

I'm gonna kill myself

tonight

This is the last song

I'll ever write

Gonna kill myself tonight

I'm gonna kill myself

tonight

This is the last song

I'll ever write

Gonna kill myself tonight

I'm gonna kill myself

tonight

Gonna kill myself,

gonna kill myself

Gonna kill myself tonight

I'm gonna kill myself

Gonna kill myself

Gonna kill myself tonight

This is the last song

I'll ever write

Gonna kill myself tonight

I'm gonna kill myself

tonight

This is the last song

I'll ever write

Gonna kill myself tonight

I'm gonna kill myself

tonight

This is the last song

I'll ever write

Gonna kill myself tonight

I'm gonna kill myself

tonight

This is the last song

I'll ever write

Gonna kill myself tonight

I'm gonna kill myself

tonight

This is the last song

I'll ever write

Gonna kill myself tonight

I'm gonna kill myself

tonight

This is...

( VOCALIZING )

( DISTANT MUSIC CONTINUES )

LAUREN:
So this room is

a little prewar, right?

( COUGHING )

I'm calling

But no one

Will be hearing

I'm laughing

But I cannot be heard

I'm crying

But no one will be drying

These tears that fall

So how do we ever

Face a thousand violins?

And how do we ever

- Even start to begin?

- ( MOANING )

It's raining

Without a sign of stopping

- It's sunny...

- ( MOANING )

But no one's getting warm

In heaven

The harps

have all been broken...

( SQUEALS ) I think I'm coming.

Oh, I'm coming.

I think I'm coming.

( MOANS )

- So how do we ever...

- ( LAUREN MOANING )

Face a thousand

- Violins?

- Ugh.

And how do we ever

- Even start...

- Mm.

- To begin?

- Mm, yeah.

Aww.

All through the days

Now faded away

One thought remains...

- Oh, faster.

- One thought

Does stay

It haunts me still

It will remain...

- ( MOANING )

- I'm lost in wonder

And I hear again

Tell me how do we ever...

( UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING )

( EUGENE IMITATES DRUMBEAT )

Yo, yo, yo, my niggas,

my jiggas, my wiggas,

Eugene the Machine has arrived

and he feels alive!

Now y'all give him five!

( MUSIC STOPS )

That's it? Nothing?

Not even an impromptu

dance number?

Eugene needs a drink.

I used to smoke after sex.

Now I broccoli.

So what do we do now?

Come out of the closet like Ellen?

I think we should.

You can't even wear a hoodie

and eat Skittles in this town

without getting shot.

A hoodie? Are you saying being gay

is worse than being black?

No, I'm saying that in this town

people think that LGB stands for

"lynch, grope, bully, torture."

I'll stick with the closet, thanks.

( GRUNTS )

Whoa, Eugene likes it rough.

Eugene needs some.

Yeah?

You want to see this?

Whoa.

( BOTH MOANING )

I'm gonna show 'em to you, baby.

I'm gonna show you

everything I got.

Baby, Eugene needs to see.

Oh. Oh-ho-ho.

( LAUGHING )

Oh, yeah.

Oh, baby, it's been a long time.

You've got no idea.

( ENGINE REVVING )

( CRETINS LAUGHING )

- ( CRETINS SNARLING )

- ( STUDENTS SCREAMING )

Oh, snap.

Eugene can't wait.

Eugene ain't got more patience.

Eugene needs to feel this now.

- Yeah? Are you gonna touch it?

- Yeah, I'm gonna touch it.

I'm gonna touch it.

I'm gonna touch it.

What you got?

Oh, man.

Oh, man.

Oh, man!

You really are a man!

( SCREAMS )

A party,

and we were not invited.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes