Return to Nuke 'Em High Volume 1 Page #5

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Donatello,

let's give them a shot.

Yup.

Eugene is confused.

Malfunction. Malfunction.

Machine shutdown.

( EUGENE LAUGHING )

( LAUGHING )

( CHEERING )

Let's get out of here.

( SPEAKS JAPANESE )

But I'm also saying

that I've never felt

this way before.

Me either.

It's the love that dare not

speak its name.

- This is hot.

- Yeah, this is so hot.

No, like really hot.

Like, I'm burning up.

Wait, do you smell smoke?

- Fire!

- Fire!

( SCREAMING )

The gigolo, the gigolo

Is charging twice the price

To the priest in holy orders

who lives a life of vice

He pleads for mercy,

God says no

Swing 'em high,

swing 'em low

The old lady's savings

- Time do erode...

- ( COUGHING )

She can't pay

for the heating...

It's okay.

I got my hat.

What kind of a god would turn

a glee club into Cretins?

- ( EXPLOSION )

- My house.

My house.

After-party at my place?

I got pizza rolls in the freezer.

- Pizza rolls?

- My house!

My commemorative plates!

Those f***ing monsters!

It's okay. We'll put them

in the oven right now...

sausage, pepperoni, vegan...

Will you shut up?

I didn't even invite you!

Those bastards.

They could have killed somebody.

( DISTANT SIREN WAILING )

( BIRDS CHIRPING )

- ( LAUREN MOANING )

- ( ROARS )

( CHRISSY MUMBLING )

( MOANING ) I think I'm...

( SCREAMS )

( WHIMPERING )

( SCREAMING )

( SIGHS )

Jimmy was just

coming out of school

When the drug dealer came

Give me some of that heroin

Some of that cocaine

Heroin, heroin and cocaine

Heroin, heroin

and cocaine...

Mm, mm.

( HOWLS )

( MUSIC PLAYING )

( LAUGHING )

( HOWLING )

Huh?

Good night, ladies

Good night

Ladies

Good night, ladies

We're going to leave you now

Merrily we roll along

Roll along, roll along

Merrily we roll along

Over the dark blue sea.

Look at these jerks.

They call themselves Cretins.

They look more like

Glee-tins to me.

- ( ROARS )

- ( ROARS )

Donatello, burn some rubber!

Motherfuckers!

( SCREAMING )

( LAUGHS )

Give me the duck.

You wouldn't hit a cripple,

would you?

Yeah, I would.

Hey, we was just kiddin'.

Duck rape is life-affirming.

It was on NPR.

Oh, well, this ain't about

duck rape.

It's about dick rape.

No! No!

( SCREAMING )

- Whoa!

- Oh, sh*t.

( SCREAMING )

NARRATOR:
...mother's body

began to change too.

Time for the baby

to leave the nest.

Something's about to burst,

and it's not my water.

- ( CREATURE QUACKS )

- What the...?

( SCREAMING )

What the f***?

You stole my heart.

Don't take my heart. Argh!

( GIGGLES ) Look at those

cholesterol levels.

He should have went vegan.

CHRISSY:

My dick is hungry.

Mm-hmm.

Please don't hurt us.

Wait, we're not with them.

We're just...

we're just extras.

Yeah, that... that's it.

F*** mercy

F*** mercy.

( SIREN WAILING )

GIRLS:

Uh-oh, cops.

- MAN:
Yeah, suck that dick.

- Oh, snap.

( DONATELLO SOBBING )

( POLICE RADIO CHATTER )

Yeah, suck that dirty, sleazy

Cretin dick.

- All right, that's enough.

- The coppers?

F*** you, f***ing cops.

I'm a victim, man.

I was born in Orange County.

Coddle me.

Hey.

What is with the youth of today?

We're the youth of tomorrow.

- ( GUNSHOT )

- ( LAUGHING )

( GUNSHOTS )

Hurrah, hurrah

We'll give them

a hearty welcome then

Hurrah, hurrah

The men will cheer

and the boys will shout

The ladies,

they will all turn out

And we'll all feel gay

When Johnny

comes marching home.

( VOCALIZING )

( ROARS )

I'm so pissed.

I need revenge.

I need an outlet for my anger.

Oh, snap. Maybe we need

some new blood.

Yes, but who?

Excuse me. Hi.

I have baked goods.

Hey, guys, what's the haps?

( LAUGHING )

( GROWLS )

Hi. I want to join your gang.

( LAUGHS )

You think you got

what it takes, lard-ass?

I just want to belong.

Oh-ho.

( SPITS )

Why don't you go get revenge

on your two b*tch-ass friends?

And then we can see

what we can do.

Lauren and Chrissy?

Yeah, dipshit. Got it?

Go. Go, go, go.

- Oh, snap.

- Go.

( ROARS )

( LAUGHS )

( WHIMPERING )

That's why they call me

Cigar Face.

( LAUGHING )

Hey. Hey, hey, hey,

no laughing. No laughing.

Now listen very carefully...

very carefully.

Some of our innocent young

glee club members

from the high school

have been savagely,

savagely murdered.

And I'm hearing that the culprits

are two women...

- Hmm?

- ...one of whom...

one of whom has a giant penis.

Now I want you to go out

and kill all women

- with giant penises.

- Oh.

Do you understand?

But that means every wife.

And mother-in-law

in Tromaville.

That's the point.

Now go,

kill all women

with giant penises.

Sir, the president's wife

is on the line.

She heard about your

planned trip to Cuba.

She's really pissed.

Give me that.

I'm not making the mistake

this time.

Yes, Mrs. President.

What? You're coming over here?

You're coming... what time is it?

- Oh! Oh!

- Oh, my God.

( BOTH STAMMERING )

Uh, listen, I...

I knew it. I blew it.

You've been with better.

Look, you don't have to tell me.

I know.

My vagina looks like

a slab of roast beef.

And I don't douche

as often as I should.

And I think I might have

queefed in your mouth

- when you went down on me.

- Oh, God, stop. No.

Are you kidding me?

It was the best night of my life.

Did you have any strange dreams?

I had super weird dreams.

Holy sh*t, me too.

LAUREN:
I'm still not sure

if those were dreams.

CHRISSY:
OMG, I was thinking

the same exact thing.

LAUREN:
We could be

a lesbianic Jekyll and Hyde.

Wait, you queefed in my mouth?

No, of course not.

( STUDENTS SCREAMING )

( TIRES SCREECH )

What is up, BFFs?

STFU, Zac.

Check it. An anonymous

contributor to my blog,

Deeper Throat,

sent me some crazy videos

of what actually goes on

at Tromorganic.

The "Tromorganic-Westly Conspiracy"

has to have gone viral by now.

Holy sh*t.

Are those the missing

Tromaville students?

CHRISSY:
Yeah, I know.

I didn't believe it myself.

- Uh-huh.

- KELLY:
What is that?

CHRISSY:
Look at this part.

Look at this part.

- ( ALL EXCLAIMING )

- CHRISSY:
Look what he's about to do.

It's so crazy.

They're being slaughtered,

like Bambi's mother.

- ( SCHOOL BELL RINGS )

- Okay, guys, to be continued.

CRETIN:

Oh, snap.

- ( CRETINS LAUGHS )

- LAUREN:
Oh, sh*t.

- CHRISSY:
The Cretins are coming.

- LAUREN:
They're gonna sing again.

Who taught me this?

Oh, oh, oh, oh

All around the mulberry bush

The monkey chased the weasel

The monkey thought

it was all in fun...

- ( GUNSHOT )

- Pop, goes the weasel.

- ( STUDENTS SCREAMING )

- ( GUNSHOTS )

All right, well,

- I gotta go to gym class.

- Yeah.

- So I'll catch you later?

- Uh-huh.

Okay, then.

See ya.

- Bye.

- Bye.

I'm calling

But no one will be...

( FARTS )

NASA also gave us

some pretty interesting

derivatives of

the space program:

Not just Tang...

America's favorite breakfast drink,

but there's the Challenger

explosion of 1986...

America's favorite

shuttle disaster,

and also...

lasers!

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