Riding the Bullet

---

What are you talking about?

Alan, don't get so uptight!

You're telling me

you don't want to do this anymore.

-That's not what I'm saying.

-Then what are you saying?

Nice.

What is it

with this morbid fixation of yours?

You've got talent, Alan.

I hate to see you squander it with

these adolescent monster movie images.

Why this obsession with death?

Everybody does life.

Maybe you haven't noticed,

my little deadly nightshade...

but it's a brand new age,

time to celebrate life...

the love and the beauty

of the world around us.

So why don't you draw what you see?

I do.

Yeah, more is the pity.

Life is beautiful, Alan.

This gruesome stuff isn't going

to get you anywhere.

That's what my grandmother says.

And a happy Hallow's Eve to you, my friend.

Tricky Dick, your war is sick!

Hell, no, we won't go!

I can't believe you're breaking up with me

on my birthday.

I'm not breaking up with you.

God, you're being

so Leave it to Beaver about this.

I'm sorry, Jessica, but I love you.

I thought you loved me.

I do.

I love everyone.

-You want to.

-No such luck.

Quit playing the Prince of Darkness

and kiss me.

I can't. Not now.

Suit yourself.

Happy birthday.

Yeah. Happy birthday to me.

Happy f***ing birthday.

F*** you, too!

Good idea, Alan.

You know, they don't appreciate you.

Show them how important you are.

Come on, Alan...

you know it's beautiful over here.

Just grit your teeth and cut!

That's it.

Show them, Alan.

Do it!

Cut!

Surprise!

Happy birthday!

Why don't you guys give us some privacy?

What are you doing?

-Are you okay?

-I'm fine.

I am so sorry, Alan.

You know how much I love you.

Damn!

I guess lunch is gonna have to wait

until round two.

That was a stupid f***ing thing to do.

Jesus, Alan, I was only kidding.

I was trying to set you up

for your surprise party.

Guess I surprised you instead.

No sh*t.

Suicide is a very selfish act, you know.

Sh*t, one more life or death

seems pretty insignificant...

in the greater planetary scheme of things.

It makes a big difference to me.

Death isn't glamorous, Alan.

I guess I don't really know you.

You, and about four billion other people

on the planet.

Don't give me

that misunderstood artist bullshit.

We all have problems. We deal with them.

You know, you are whining.

You're being kind of a creep,

to tell you the truth.

I'm sorry.

I'm just in my "poor me" stage.

Call me an a**hole.

Are you ever going to pull...

such a stupid, cruel, selfish stunt

like that again?

-No.

-Promise?

Promise. Cross my heart.

Now, who loves you?

-My mom.

-Who else?

Baby Jesus?

Funny. Who else?

-You?

-Yeah.

But I guess you want proof of that,

don't you?

Proof is good.

It's a little late, but...

-happy birthday.

-Thanks.

I like the artwork.

Let's see here.

"Rock 'n' Roll Revival,

Varsity Stadium in Toronto...

"starring John Lennon

and the Plastic Ono Band."

Jessie, where did you get these?

How do you cut yourself

shaving in a f***ing bathtub?

That's just f***ing clumsy.

Who shaves in a bathtub anyway?

Only chicks take baths, man.

-Shut up, Hector.

-Shut up?

Show him the picture you took.

He sold it to the school paper.

-Got $25, man.

-You going to split it with me?

-It is my naked ass in the paper.

-Well....

-Just f***ing with you, man. Lighten up.

-See? I told you.

He ain't depressed if he's f***ing with you.

It was an accident.

Look, you don't accidentally

slice your wrists.

Hector Passmore here passed out

as soon as he saw a little blood in the tub.

I didn't pass out,

I just felt a little woozy, is all.

I'm a pacifist, man.

I don't dig the sight of spilled blood.

-Tell Archie it was an accident.

-I'd really rather not talk about it right now.

See?

Whoa! A**hole!

Can I take a picture of your stitches?

Would you guys mind

getting the car for me?

Right, we'll get the car.

Can Alan come out and play?

Are you okay?

You weren't just setting me up, were you?

-Alan....

-It's okay, I'm not going to...

rip out my stitches or anything.

It's true, isn't it?

I care about you so much.

Then tell me the truth. I'll be okay.

I'm just trying to evolve here.

It's like you have a wall around you.

Like a moat to keep out your enemies.

I'm not your enemy.

I'm sorry, Jessica.

I figure we get f***ed up...

go out, swipe a couple bags of candy

from trick-or-treaters...

then check out the Halloween party

at Kappa Gamma Nu.

-Far out.

-Who wants to go to Toronto?

As long as I can hold on

to my student deferment, I'm cool right here.

-They got Halloween in Canada?

-I don't know, but they got this.

What is it?

Only John Lennon

and the Plastic Ono Band.

-No way!

-Out-f***ing-standing!

-Where'd you get them?

-From Jessica, for my birthday.

Isn't she going?

No.

-You're okay to travel, right? I mean....

-Man, he's okay!

I told you it was an accident!

Tell him you're okay, Alan.

If everyone wants to know so bad that

I'm all right I'll take out an ad in The Voice.

John "I am the f***ing walrus" Lennon!

-Can I touch them?

-Don't let him, he's f***ed up.

-So are you!

-Yeah, but I can maintain better than you.

Sh*t!

-You only got two tickets?

-Dibs. I got the car. I'm driving.

I got the tickets.

We'll all chip in and

buy the third ticket when we get there.

When do we go?

How about tonight?

Radical!

You think the other Beatles might show up?

Lennon's there going,

"This is an oldie, but a goodie..."

and rips into I Want to Hold Your Hand

or something...

and Paul, George, and Ringo

walk on stage...

and everybody just goes f***ing apeshit!

As far as I'm concerned,

it's anything-can-happen day.

The Beatles, man!

-You know what's going to be weird?

-What?

When they get old.

What's it going to be like...

when Lennon and Hendrix and Janis...

and Jim Morrison

and all the gods of rock 'n' roll are like...

old and fat and bald and sh*t?

lt'll be a world I don't want to live in.

Amen, brother.

Don't answer it. It's gonna be Jessica

and she's gonna want her tickets back.

-Don't be ridiculous. It is not.

-It is. Don't answer!

It's bad news, I know it.

-Hello?

-Hi, Alan. It's me.

I'm sorry I said what I said. I love you.

Let's run away to Toronto and forget

about the rest of the world for a few days.

Okay? Please?

Please don't answer it.

-Hello?

-Alan Parker?

That's right.

This is Janey McCurdy.

You know, next door to your mama?

Hi, Mrs. McCurdy.

What is it? Is my mom okay?

It was a stroke.

It happened in the restaurant.

Oh, Jesus.

I don't want you going off all halfcocked.

The doctors think she'll be okay.

-Who is it?

-Shut up!

Is she still in the hospital?

Yes, and under the best of care.

You are not going to Toronto

with Cheech and Chong here...

while your mom's lying in a hospital

120 miles away, maybe dying.

When do you think you'll be coming down,

Alan? Saturday?

Tell her I'll be there tonight.

-What?

-No!

Won't your mama be so happy to see you?

Thanks. Bye.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes