Roald Dahl's Esio Trot Page #3

Are you having me on, Mr Hoppy?

Is this serious?

Mrs Silver, I have never been

more serious in my life.

Well... I suppose it could be true.

The world's full of wonders.

I once heard that a cockroach can

live for two weeks without a head.

- Is that right?

- Well, apparently.

And bats always turn left

- when they leave the cave.

- Yes, I heard that.

And dolphins understand French.

- Really?

- So, I suppose this could work.

What this is really saying is

"Tortoise, tortoise,

"get bigger, bigger."

Er...

"Grow up, puff up, shoot up" -

not what they mean these days.

Oh, that's a relief.

"Spring up", "blow up"...

Again, not the violent version.

"Swell up."

Um, er...

"Gorge, guzzle, stuff, gulp.

"Put on fat, tortoise, put on fat.

"Get on! Get on!

"Gobble food."

That's it.

And if my memory serves me correct,

my friend told me that all you have

to do is pick up little Alfie

right up to your face

and say it three times a day,

morning, noon and night.

- And if you do it...

- What time at night?

Before dinner.

- And if you do it properly...

- His dinner or my dinner?

- Does it matter?

- Well, you tell me.

- You're the one with all

the inside Bedouin knowledge. - Yes.

Quite right.

Before your dinner.

And I'm betting

that by the end of the month,

he'll be twice the size he is now.

And that's a conservative estimate,

Mrs Silver.

Well, goodness. I can't believe it.

But if it works, oh, Mr H,

I'll never be able

to thank you enough.

You'll be the marvellous man

who made all my dreams come true.

Well, wouldn't that be wonderful?

"Esio Trot, Esio Trot..."

'Suddenly, for the first time ever,

'the happiness of two human beings

rested entirely

'on the possibility of a small

tortoise becoming a big tortoise.'

Which, of course, was

a very serious issue indeed

because what Mr Hoppy had devised

here was no simple thing.

It was,

and I won't mince my words here,

the greatest and most complicated

plan in the long and noble history

of tortoise-based tale-telling.

I have 16 tortoises for sale.

From small to large to enormous.

Each one comes

with its own certificate,

and you should know I do not sell

any animal without first

assuring myself that it's going

to a good, caring home.

- How many do you want?

- I'll take all 16.

I'll bag 'em up.

I don't really need

the enormous ones...

I'll chuck 'em in for free anyway.

All the big money is in

guinea pigs these days.

- I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

- That's all right.

- I don't actually have any tortoises.

- OK.

But I've got a lovely iguana

out back. You want to see it?

It's tempting, but no.

Or I've got a weasel going

very cheap-cheap cheap-cheap.

I just need tortoises.

I've got a snake -

I could chop it in half

- and put a seashell on its back.

- It's lovely meeting you.

Or I could shave a hedgehog.

No-one would ever know.

I've done it before.

That's probably enough.

Oh, no! Go back.

Go back. Go back.

I really must fix that.

'"Esio Trot, Esio Trot,'

"teg reggib, reggib.

"Worg pu, ffup pu, toohs pu,

"gnirps pu, wolb pu..."

Well, thank goodness I'm not asking

you to sip up anything.

All right, darling,

I'm just popping out to get you

some delicious cabbage.

I'll be back in half an hour.

Action time.

OK.

No - too heavy.

Too light.

Just perfect.

2oz more than Alfie.

You, sir, are the chosen one.

No! Or you're going back

to the pet shop.

Stay there.

OK, team...

...this is it.

You can do this.

You can't do this.

I can't do this.

Hang in there, Alfie 2.

Ah!

Good afternoon.

Sorry to bother you.

My name is Mr Hoppy and I...

I live a couple of floors up.

Mummy says I mustn't talk

to strangers.

No. Quite right. Well done, Mum.

Are you about to offer me sweets

and then kidnap me?

No, I'm not.

That's a relief.

But, as I said, I do...

actually live in this building.

I've never seen you.

Well...

...I sort of keep myself to myself.

Weirdos always do.

Well, be that as it may,

do you think you could be a good boy

and get your mummy to help me

onto your balcony?

Why would I do that?

That would be a crazy thing to do.

Mummy, Mummy, come and look.

No, Philip.

I will not come and look.

- A nasty dwarf is NOT trying

to climb onto our balcony.

- But, Mummy!

- No more scary movies for you, young man.

- Mummy!

- Philip, darling, I'm doing dinner.

So Mr Hoppy decided

to abandon Plan A - the ladder.

But, happily, he knew the

fundamental rule of life was that

if Plan A fails,

Plan B will usually succeed.

And if Plan B doesn't add up,

then Plan C always works every time.

The only tiny problem was

he didn't have a Plan B...

...or a Plan C.

'So, where did this leave Mr Hoppy?

'Was he out for the count?

Done for? Doomed?

'Was he going to give up?

Admit defeat?'

Wait a minute.

Of course he wasn't!

This is Mr Hoppy

we're talking about.

The Hopster!

The Hippity Hop Meister!

He had a plan - Plan D.

Let's go.

- Oh!

- Oh! Hello, Mr Hoppy.

Hello.

Good lord. What have you got there?

Oh, er...

It looks like a huge fishing rod

for catching jellyfish or something.

Yes, it is a huge fishing rod

for catching jellyfish.

What on Earth do you want that for?

Well, that's a very good question.

But, er...

the answer's pretty simple.

All my life

I wanted to catch a jellyfish.

I got bitten by one...

and I wanted to seek my revenge,

so I thought the time had come

to get a huge fishing rod

and do just that -

catch a... huge jellyfish.

Well! What a thing!

Yes.

Well...

So, you're...

You're looking...

very nice, Mrs Silver.

Where are you off to?

A dance marathon,

at the community centre.

For charity. You know?

Chi-Chi-Chi!

We're hoping for a lot of sponsors.

Well... it's for charity.

Oh...

Oh, maybe I could be a sponsor too.

- Well, that would be wonderful!

- Yes, why not?

Put me, erm... down for a pound.

A pound? Oh!

Right, lovely.

Er... No, that's... very kind.

By which I mean...

a pound a minute, of course.

- A pound a minute?!

- Yes.

- That's incredible!

- Is it?

- Oh, yes. Most people sponsor by the hour.

- They do?

Well, yes, because it's a marathon.

I mean, a pound a minute?!

That's marvellous!

- A marathon.

- Oh, it's really inspired me.

- Oh.

- Ooh! A pound a minute? - Yes.

- Well... Well, come and watch.

You'll have a marvellous time. - Yes.

- Do you want to stop now, Mrs Silver?

- How long have I done?

Erm... Four hours and fifty minutes.

- How many minutes is that in total?

- Erm... - 290. - 290 minutes.

Oh, yes. I think

it's time for me last waltz.

Oh!

Would anyone care to partner me?

Someone...

Anyone...

Someone?

Come on...

Thanks.

Mr Pringle!

Oh!

Well, before we start, I'd like

to thank the man who sponsored me

a pound a minute...

For every minute of my marathon.

He used to be quite well off.

Now he's the poorest man I know.

Mr Hoppy.

Bravo!

- Thank you so much. - Oh, not at all.

Don't mention it.

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