Roald Dahl's Esio Trot Page #5

Excuse me.

You're doing great, guys.

Just try to keep the noise down.

Easy.

Ah!

Dolly, it's hot.

Potatoes. Got to put them

up to high.

Spartacus, sorry,

but I really need the fridge now.

- Can I give you a hand in there?

- No...

- We're feeling very guilty out here.

- No, no.

No, thank you.

I... I'm a very private cook.

My recipe's a secret, Mrs Silver.

Oh, and Mr Pringle's very keen

to know what vegetable we're having.

Apparently, he enjoyed your carrots

enormously last time.

- Yes, tell him it's peas.

I hope that's all right. - Oh, peas!

- My favourite! - Peas are about the only

vegetable that I... I... really like.

Apart from cabbages, of course.

Can't get enough of cabbage.

Hope you don't mind, but I've been

tucking in to your nibbles.

- Nibbles?

- Mm. Balti mix, is it?

Mm!

Peppery.

Would you like some, Lavinia?

Oh...

- No, thank you.

Not one of my favourites. - Oh.

I've got to get the food.

Sorry, Paul.

- A little more?

- Oh, thank you. - Here we go!

Fresh out of the oven. One pie

for you...

Oh! That looks yummy!

Oh, forgot the garnish.

How did that happen?

Oh, how magnificent!

A pie to die for!

Right, Lavinia.

I want to hear all about you.

Every single little thing.

Where were you born?

- I...

- I was actually born on the Thames myself.

In the back of a Volkswagen Beetle.

Dad went over a speed bump

and out I popped.

So I said, "That's certainly

an original use for an octopus!"

Good Lord.

But enough about me.

I want to know all about you two.

Go on. Favourite films.

Ladies first.

- Oh, The Railway Children.

Every time. - Oh, yes!

That moment at the end when

Jenny Agutter goes to the station...

- And the train comes in...

- The smoke clears... - And there he is!

"Daddy, my daddy!"

- Oh!

- I never really bothered with that one.

Always try to avoid films with

the word "children" in the title.

And "Chihuahua".

My favourite's The Sound Of Music.

- Really?

- No! Course not!

Top Gun! That's the ticket!

Go, Cruise!

"Son, your ego is writing cheques

your body can't cash!"

- Genius! - Oh, you certainly are

a character, Lawrence!

Can I help clear?

- Oh, thank you. That's very kind.

- Waste not.

Oh! No! Er...

Where are my manners? Er...

- Here, let me.

- Oh! Well...

If I can't see your kitchen,

can I take a look at

your beautiful balcony?

Certainly.

- It'd be my honour.

- Oh.

Oh... goodness!

Who needs to travel the world when

you've got sights like this at home?

It's one of the two great passions

of my life.

Well, I can certainly see that.

- Look, an avocado plant. - Oh, yes.

I grow them myself. From the pips.

That's terribly clever.

- Thank you.

- Oh!

Oh, a miniature rose!

Oh! My absolutest favourite!

Well, do tell me,

what is the other passion?

Well, er...

Well, Mrs Silver...

- It's something I've never spoken to

anyone about. - Well, how exciting!

On my... On my mind...

Er... Every moment

of every day, but...

But never once on my lips.

Oh. What could it be?

- It's...

- Time for tea, I think.

Shall I bung the kettle on

in the kitchen?

No, no. I'd better do it myself.

Splendid.

Lavinia...

What a gorgeous name that is.

What a splendid evening!

Lavinia's a good sort, isn't she?

- Mm. - I'm surprised you haven't

made a move on her.

Well, it's funny you should say that

because just between us...

Hope it's OK, I pounced

while you were out making tea.

Glad to say

she leapt at the opportunity.

- Dinner next Tuesday.

- Oh.

- That's fast.

- Yeah.

I suppose the truth is

we're all a little bit lonely

and anything which takes the edge

off, it's got to be a good thing.

- Hm.

- Sure that's all right with you?

- You seemed to be getting on awfully

well during the dinner. - Mm.

- I often hear you chatting away on

the balcony. - No... Yes, that's fine.

She's got... to be allowed to go out

to dinner with whoever

she wants to go out to dinner with.

Next Tuesday.

Splendid, then!

Who knows? Sparks may fly

when Flat 32 meets Flat 43!

Wish me luck.

Is that wedding bells I hear?

Or just a squeak of bedsprings!

Perfectly happy either way,

eh, Hoppy?

Yes.

Good night, Lawrence.

'Mr Hoppy felt dead inside.'

Think of the saddest you've ever

felt and then double it.

That was the world of Mr Hoppy's

heart that night.

Poor Mr Hoppy.

Losing the love of your life is a

terrible feeling. It's an emptiness.

Like the death of a friend.

Or a parent.

Or a gerbil.

Or, yes, indeed... a gerbil.

Here's the thing...

You see, little Alfie?

However many years we live -

and you're a tortoise

so you're in for a lot of them -

there's probably only ten moments

that really matter.

Ten key moments that seal your fate.

Where we get the chance

to change our lives.

Get the job we always dreamed of.

Get the perfect girl.

Well...

...I've had my share

of those moments.

And I've blown every

single one of them.

Because the truth is, Alfie...

...your Mr Henry Hoppy just doesn't

deserve Mrs Lavinia Silver.

And so, the next morning, Mr Hoppy

began returning the tortoises.

The game was up. The dream was over.

First to go was the most

important tortoise of all,

the one he picked out at the start,

the trophy tortoise.

Exactly double little

Alfie's weight.

- I brought you one of my tortoises

to sell. - He's a lovely big one!

Yes, he is. 26 ounces, to be exact.

- Can I tempt you with something else

to fill the hole in your life? - No.

- Now you say goodbye to the big fella.

- No, it's a pretty big hole.

I've got an elephant out back.

Not exactly an elephant. More

a very big dog. Same shape ears.

'One down, 99 to go.

'That evening, Mr Hoppy sat on his

balcony, certain of one thing.

'That he and Mrs Silver

would never be together.'

Now, it's time to say good night

Good night

Sleep tight

Now, the sun turns out his light

Good night

Sleep tight

Dream sweet dreams

For me

Dream sweet dreams

For you

Close your eyes

And I'll close mine

Good night

Sleep tight.

Sit tight, guys.

I want you to know something.

I'm going to fight on till the final

whistle and even if I lose,

even if she marries

Mr Potato Head Pringle...

...I will always, always

want her to be happy.

Sorry.

It turns out

I couldn't live without him.

I'm not surprised.

He's a laugh a minute, this one.

The times we had... Classic!

Thank you.

'Where's my boy?

'Where's my Alfie?'

Alfie, Alfie!

Alfie...

Oh, my goodness!

Mr Hoppy?

What, Mrs Silver?

Something very extraordinary

has happened.

What?

Something very, very extraordinary!

And quite marvellous!

Alfie can't get through his door!

He must have got bigger!

She's not very perceptive, is she?

I mean, he's double the size!

No, she's not the sharpest

arrow in the quiver.

- She's not the cleverest

fox in the forest. - No.

- She's not the smartest cookie in the jar.

- No,

but she's full of the joys of life,

and that's what matters.

- Of course it is. - Hey, you! - Ah!

- Ha-ha!

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