Roald Dahl's Esio Trot Page #6

Well, Mrs Silver,

perhaps you should weigh him.

I believe it's been a month

since you started

the Esio Trot experiment.

So it is!

Yes, it's exactly a month!

Oh! How exciting!

Oh, Mr Hoppy!

Guess how much he weighs!

- 26 ounces.

- 27 ounces!

You should check your scale.

Ooh!

Alfie!

You great big beautiful boy!

Look what clever

Mr Hoppy's done for you!

Oh, you did it, Mr Hoppy!

You're my miracle man.

How can I possibly thank you?

Well, Mrs Silver,

do you think I could perhaps

pop down to your balcony

and just see for myself how much

Alfie has grown?

Well, of course you can.

Oh, come down at once!

Oh, my dear man!

Dear man.

Thank you, thank you, thank you,

thank you, thank you.

Thank you, Wallace.

Thank you, Usain.

And thank you, most of all...

...little original Alfie.

Key moment.

Where are you?

There you are.

Oh, don't blow this.

Hurray! Come in at once.

- I've just made you

a delicious cup of tea. - Oh.

- Er...

- Oh! Oh, clever you!

- Thank you.

- Oh, my!

Oh, my goodness!

- I'd quite forgotten it was Christmas.

- Oh, it isn't.

I just like to get my tree up

on the first day of August.

What's the point in getting old

if you can't break the rules?

- It's my little piece of paradise

in the sky. - Perfect.

Oh, and this is Alfie.

Ha-ha!

- Have you ever held a tortoise before?

- Once or twice.

I just don't want to drop him.

Oh!

- Can I ask you a question?

- Of course.

Would it be all right

if I came up later

and had another look at your balcony?

I think it's one

of the Seven Wonders of the World.

Who needs the Hanging Gardens

of Babylon

when you've got Mr Hoppy's beautiful

balcony in Bethnal Green?

Oh, I'd be delighted. Can I ask you

a question too, Mrs Silver?

- Yes, of course.

- Will you marry me?

That was very out of the blue.

Yes. It... It... It was.

It's just that I've been meaning

to ask you for some time,

since the first time I saw you,

in fact,

when it was perfectly clear to me

that you are the most... wonderful

and beautiful person

in the Western hemisphere.

Probably the Eastern hemisphere too.

I only exclude it because

I haven't actually been there.

Well...

Well...

Er...

Oh!

- Oh, I'm sorry. - Oh.

- I'd better get that. I won't be a tick.

Ah, Mrs Silver.

I was just wondering,

might this little chap

belong to you, my dear lady?

Oh, no! Oh, no! My Alfie's much

larger than that these days.

He was just coming out of Mr Hoppy's

flat and I thought,

but it's Mrs Silver that has

the tortoise, isn't it?

Yes, quite. Well... Yes...

Oh, no...

He does look very like Alfie

when he was little,

but he can't be darling Alfie.

Cos darling Alfie has

doubled his size in the last month.

Hasn't he, Mr Hoppy?

- Doubled in size?

- Yes. - In a month? - Yes.

- A tortoise?

- Yes.

Mr Hoppy gave me this little poem

of North African origin and said

if I recited it to Alfie three times

a day, he would grow much...

much larger...

A little poem of North African

extraction?

Yes. Bedouin, I believe.

Three times a day?

Yes, before meals.

Well, I'm not a biologist.

I'm not Charles Darwin!

I'm not David bloody Attenborough,

but I suspect Mr Hoppy here

has been playing a little joke

on you, my dear Mrs Silver.

Mr...

- Mr Hoppy? - Hoppy!

You're a dark horse, aren't you?

Should have kept

a sharper eye on you.

Yes...

- Well, I think he might be mine after all.

- Oh.

Thank you very much.

- Now, if you'd excuse me for a moment...

- Yes, of course.

Don't forget our date on Tuesday.

We'll have lots to talk about.

Snakes in the grass, etc...

- I can't wait!

- Well, we can discuss that later.

Hoppy...

Good to see you.

Who'd have thought it, eh?

Who'd have damn well thought it?

- So...

- Yes.

- You've been swapping tortoises.

- Yes, I have. A number of little swaps.

- And that's not Alfie.

- No, it isn't.

Who is it?

Oh, his name is Tyson.

He's quite nice.

And all that... Esio Trot stuff

is just nonsense.

I'm afraid so.

I feel such a fool.

I never was the brightest bulb

in the chandelier.

- Maybe not, but you have many other

wonderful qualities... - Ssh!

Not at all the time for that.

OK, I guess I should go now.

Yes, if you would.

Thank you.

In my solitude

You haunt me

With revelries

Of days gone by

In my solitude

You taunt me

With memories

That never die

Yes, I sit in my chair

I fill with despair

As no-one could be so sad...

You're looking absolutely ravishing

this evening, Lavinia.

Oh, thank you.

I thought we might just

eat in at my place.

Oh.

And then I thought...

why not go to the most expensive

restaurant in London?

Oh!

How lovely!

I'm praying

Dear Lord above

Oh, yes

Send back my love...

Hello, Dolly. Darth.

You guys should be

in the pet shop with the others.

Where have you guys been hiding?

Huh?

So, that IS the way it goes.

No, you don't just stop loving

someone because they don't love you.

In my solitude

I'm praying

Dear Lord above

Oh, yes

Send back my love.

Is that really the end of the story,

Daddy?

Yes, buddy. I'm sorry to say it is.

Mr Hoppy doesn't get the girl.

I'm afraid he'll probably spend

the rest of his life alone.

Which won't be very long,

seeing how old he is.

Which could be for absolutely ages,

Roberta,

seeing how long

people live these days!

Not the ending you were expecting,

I realise that.

But it's still a story worth telling

because he gave it a go.

And that's what matters.

Love in your heart wasn't

put there to stay.

Love isn't love

till you give it away.

- I give him a year. Tops.

- Shush!

You saw how he was yesterday,

when he came down to our flat

in the afternoon.

Hello. I have a present

for you and your brother.

Come in.

Come on in.

No, that's all right.

Philip!

Oh, it's OK, Philip.

I have a present for you.

See? This one's name is Darth

and that one's name is Dolly.

'He gave us Dolly and little Darth

and he was really sad.

'And then you asked him in

for a drink

'and he told you and Mum

the whole story.

'And now he's leaving.'

- Can't you stop him?

- No.

He's made up his mind

the deed is done.

Not all stories have happy endings.

They're early.

Hi...

Mr Hoppy?

- Are you leaving?

- Yes, that's right.

I felt it best after

the unfortunate incident.

I didn't know.

I'm glad I came up, then.

Oh...

One of your plants must have blown

over the balcony.

- I thought I should return it.

- Oh, yes.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

Er... I... Er...

May I... just say that...

I hope you and Mr Pringle

will be very happy.

Oh, well... that's very kind of you,

Mr Hoppy.

But I'm afraid I could never

be happy with Mr Pringle.

I know he's a real pal of yours,

but he is without doubt

the world's most spectacular

arse-paralysing bore.

And his table manners are atrocious.

I only had two prawns

in my very overpriced,

under-prawned prawn cocktail.

He took both of them.

I'm not saying it was the worst

experience of my life,

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