Ross Noble: Randomist Page #15

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''Ruth Madoc!''

''Oh, no.''

''What? From Hi-De-Hi?''

''l'm sorry, love. Me mind wandered.''

Are there any more questions

before l tell you this?

Yes?

- Have you got some crazy fetishes?

- l what?

(Man) Watching tonight, you seem like

you've got some crazy fetishes.

Watch out tonight, it seems like...

Watch out tonight, it seems like

l've got some crazy fetishes?

You don't honestly think that l genuinely

make love to pensioners, do you?

Can l just point out, right,

the stuff that l talk about in the show, right,

the stuff that l go, ''This actually happened,''

that actually happened, right?

When l talk about things like, you know...

old man loving...

it never happened.

lt was an old lady anyway.

l just...l thought,

''How can l make this even more wrong?

''Oh, make it old man loving.''

# Old man lovin', it's old man lovin'

# He must know something

but he don't say nothin'

# Cos old man lovin'... #

hasn't got his teeth in.

(Audience groans)

Oh, what? Now l've gone too far?

All the things l talked about tonight

that you could have gone, ''Arh!''

and an old man not having his teeth in

while l make sweet love to him

at a bus stop - that's wrong.

Actually, no, you're right.

That is...that is wrong.

- No... Anything else and then l'll...

- (Man shouts question)

Do l... Have l ever bought out of eBay?

Yes, l have. A huge amount.

- Yeah.

- (Man) Like what?

You bought the tickets for here off eBay?

Oh, fantastic. Oh, well done.

And did you get a good deal on them?

Oh, you got ripped off, did you?

Well, not through the quality of the show,

you cheeky bastard.

Yeah, ''We thought it was an afternoon

show. lt's a bit late, to be honest.''

''Why are you so knackered?''

''l was up all night

getting the tickets off eBay.''

Oh, dear! Well, l'm glad...

Well done anyway.

Next time you buy something off eBay,

check to see whether there's a thing

in brackets, ''PS, you will get spat on.''

- Anything else and then l...

- Do you follow any religious teachings?

Do l follow any religious teachings?

Oh, l'm ever so religious, me.

There's that old joke,

''l belong to the church of barrel.

''l go when l'm pushed.''

The, er... No, l don't.

Arthur Askey, 1927.

Do l follow any religious teachings?

Not really, cos mainly it's bollocks.

- Do you know what l mean?

- (Cheering and applause)

Ooh.

That was too much for that fella there.

He...what?

Oh, the car park's shutting?

Right, l'll finish up.

Right, don't worry, l'll finish. Right.

F***in' hell!

How many gigs does this happen at?

''Excuse me, Ross,

we've had a lovely time.

''He's got to work

and the car park's shutting.''

That's magnificent.

lmagine if you went to see a big rock act,

like Bon Jovi or something like that...

(lmitates music)

# And you gotta hold on... #

''Excuse me, Jon, erm...

''Gotta get to the car park.''

(Rapidly) ''# Livin' on a prayer #

Ching! See you.''

Right, OK, l'll tell you this

and then you can go and get the car.

What? l've got a few cameras in tonight.

You could just leave

and then l might...you know,

you might see this on...

You're...you're scared of getting up

in case l'll pick on you?

Oh, yeah, look at the casualties

that have endured this evening.

He went for a piss.

l went, ''Been for a piss?''

He went, ''Yeah.'' That was it!

What? ls that too much for you, is it?

- Oh, blimey, yeah.

- (Woman shouts)

You're just out of therapy, are you? Mm.

Sorry, l thought of something very funny

but wrong to say there.

No, you see? No, all right.

Here's the two options, right?

Cos it's me and l'm a nice fella

and l want everyone to have a lovely time,

you know, l'd go, ''Well,

''l'm glad you're back in recovery,

and your therapy worked

''and you've had a lovely night

with a bit of laughter.'' Right? Right?

lf l was a nasty bastard l'd go,

''Clearly not beauty therapy.''

Do you see what l'm saying?

Do you see what l'm saying?

Do you see the...

l've got...

There's...

There's the two options,

but l went for the nice one. l didn't...

So l'll tell you this

and then l swear to God we'll...

Prepare the car park!

Oi! You! Get back in your seat!

Cheeky bastard!

l've got quite a large crew,

l'll send one out to burst your tyres.

''F*** him. He's not leaving early.''

Right, OK, here we go.

- l'll do this and...

- (Woman shouts)

lt's not going to take five minutes!

Every time you hold me...

Bloody hell!

l'm two...

three gigs from the end of the tour.

Every night people go,

''Do as long as you want, Ross, stay.''

Bloody home gig and,

''Can you hurry up, please?''

''Come on.''

Some places, ''Oh, value for money.

This is good. Can you stay on a bit?''

Here, ''Just do it and then f*** off.''

''We've had our money's worth,

we've had a lovely time.''

''l've got a doctor's appointment

in the morning.

''Yeah. lf you don't get in there early,

the couch is all smeared.''

What?! What's wrong?! What is that?!

You're making up your own dirty jokes.

No, no, no.

- No, l'm gonna...

- (Woman) ls it on a DVD?

Might be.

l haven't decided. The thing is, right,

if you go right now, right, you don't know.

You might miss loads or l might just end.

- l'll get locked in the car park.

- You'll get locked in the car park?

Depends how much fun

you're having now, really.

lt probably will be on the DVD.

But you know what l might do?

l might edit this bit. Yeah.

l might get up to this bit and..

You know what l might do?

- Whereabouts do you live?

- (Woman) Er...County Durham.

County Durham. All the DVDs

released in the Durham area

will just finish just at that point there.

Just as you get up, it'll just snip

and it will be like, ''Vroop, Durham edit.

(Mouths)

Are you?

Are you sure you wanna go?

Cos it could just...

(Woman) The ticket said half-past seven.

lt said half-past seven?

No, it said, ''Doors open half-past seven.''

- (Woman responds)

- Oh, l see.

- Oh, right.

- (Woman) We went to see Jimmy Carr.

Oh, Jimmy Carr?

And what time was he finished?

No, no, it's fine. What...what...

No, shut your face.

What...what time...

what time did Jimmy finish?

He did an hour and 20 minutes?

Yeah, cos he's sh*t.

(Cheering and applause)

Thanks for coming. Good night.

There... Has she gone?

Right. Head her off to the car park,

somebody. Put some cones down.

Right, anyone else... Right,

how many people, right, need to go to...

F***'s sake.

As l said that,

the guys on the camera were all going,

''Us, to be honest with you. Yeah.

''lf you don't finish now,

we're going to charge you five times.''

(Woman shouts)

Sorry, you're gonna have to

say that again with gaps. So...

(Yawns)

You've...you've got time,

haven't you? You've got time...

Ooh, that's good. Look. (Chuckles)

The little camera's coming in.

l'll do the whole show just lying like this.

So, anyway... Hello, anyone

from County Durham, then, er...this is for...

Ooh, that's freaking me out now.

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