Russell Peters: Almost Famous Page #5

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Let me explain. You're in the living room,

you're watching TV,

and all of a sudden,

you hear somebody fall down the stairs.

"Oh, my God. Who was that?" "It's me."

"Oh, my God!"

Right? Okay.

You're in the living room, watching TV.

All of a sudden, you hear:

"Oh, my God! Who was that?" "It's me."

"Oh, for f*** sakes."

You're.. You're still gonna go...

but which one are you running for?

Probably the girl, huh?

-There you go.

-How old are they?

-My daughter's 14. My son is 28.

-Your daughter's 14.

Your son's 28. Wait, I thought you said

your son was younger?

Oh, he's older. So, that's the baby,

always. It's the little girl, right?

Yeah, that's the way we work.

-What's your name, buddy?

-Omar.

Omar. Where's your family from?

Egypt. Oh, sh*t, that's sphinx.

Um...

Nope. That joke flew right past him.

I like that.

I waited for a second,

but it didn't go anywhere.

-And is that your girlfriend, your wife?

-My wife.

Your wife? And she's not Egyptian, right?

Are you okay, sweetheart? Are you..?

Are you a hostage?

Blink if you need help.

You grew up in Poland.

When did you move to Canada?

-In '82.

-'82.

So, when you grew up in Poland,

were you learning..?

Were they speaking Russian back then?

-I had to take Russian.

-You had to take Russian.

-So, you speak Russian or understand it?

-Yeah. A little bit.

Yeah. I just learned how to say

"how are you?" in Russian.

Do you know how to say "how are you?"

in Russian, Vince? "Cock dealer."

I swear. This Russian guy walked up to me.

He goes, "Hey, kak dela?"

I go, "Hey, hey, hey, man."

I don't give a sh*t

if you're a blackjack dealer, all right?

Don't come around here

offering me all that.

When you find vag dealer, send her over.

I like listening to people speak Russian.

You ever heard people speak Russian?

It's amazing.

They sound like they're talking backwards.

Vladimir...

Blyad.

That's a real swear word

in Russian, blyad.

It's like they didn't have a swear word

and some guy drank too much vodka.

"Boris, how do you feel?"

He feels blyad.

Are there any Russian people here?

All right. Where are you?

-You Russian, bro?

-Yeah, bro.

-What's your name?

-Anand.

What? Anand?

Omar?

Jamaal?

Where are you from, Anand?

My parents are from Uzbekistan.

Your parents are from Uzbekistan.

Oh, yeah, that makes more sense.

Yeah. There's.. Okay. So, yeah,

you're speaking Russian. Speak Russian?

-Yeah.

-Nice.

Maybe you can clear this up for me.

Um...

Uh, last summer,

I had to do some plumbing work

on my house in Los Angeles,

and I hired these two Russian plumbers.

Great guys. Let me just say this.

They were great guys.

They were reasonably priced.

They were on time. They were tidy.

They did good work. They never gave me

any problems. They were respectful.

But... every day

when they would come to work,

they would call me by my last name

and then giggle like little kids.

"Good morning, Mr. Peter."

I'm like, "It's Peters. Mr. Peters."

"Okay, Peter."

"Why don't you call me Russell?"

"Okay. Russell Peter."

I'm like, "What are they laughing at?"

So, I called one of my Russian friends.

Like, "Yo, these guys come to the house,

they call me by my last name and giggle."

He goes, "What are they saying?"

"Mr. Peter." Then he's like:

"That's messed up, man."

I go, "Why?"

"Your last name.

In Russian, it means 'f*ggot.'"

"Like, do you mean gay?" "No."

"Homosexual?" "No. F*ggot."

"Mr. Peter...

seems your pipes are blocked."

"Nice castle bed, Peter."

I'm.. I'm what they call a sleeper.

I, uh...

I'm lazy is what I'm trying to tell you.

I love sleep. Like, I genuinely..

If I can get 14 hours a day, I'm good.

I might have been a koala in my last life

or something, you know? But...

I just love sleep.

I've been doing stand-up for 27 years,

not because..

I do love what I do. Don't get it wrong.

But I didn't get into this

because I was like:

"Oh, I'm gonna be looking..

One day, I'll be something."

No. I got into this because in 1989,

I was standing around with my friends,

and I was like, "Yo, I wanna get a job

where I could sleep all day...

and then work for, I don't know,

like, an hour.

And my friend goes, "Comedian."

I'm like, "I'll take it."

"You don't know how."

"I'll figure it out."

This isn't talent.

This is determination... for sleep.

I love sleep.

And when we're sleeping with you, ladies..

And I mean sleeping with you.

Just sleeping.

..you need to know that your man

respects your sleep, because a man..

I mean, when I'm sleeping

and my girlfriend's beside me,

I will do whatever it takes

to not disturb her sleep.

And I would hope she would do the same.

But I will do whatever it takes

to not ruin her sleep.

Obviously, there's those times when

you roll over in the middle of the night.

You know, it's..

We'll do that until we've.. "Get off me!"

I'm like, "Oh, my God! Sorry.

Oh, my God. Thank God you woke me up.

I was having a nightmare. I..."

But other than that...

we'll do whatever it takes

to not disturb your sleep.

When we're sleeping with you, ladies..

And I know this.. For me, especially.

When my girlfriend's asleep beside me,

I'll do whatever it takes

to not disturb her.

And more often than not,

now, especially after 40,

like, 3:
30 in the morning,

I'll get waken up 'cause I have to pee,

and then I'm like, "You know what?

Look at her, all pretty and sleepy and...

I don't wanna disturb her,

so I'm gonna risk a bladder infection."

And then I go back to sleep. Right?

And then about ten minutes into my sleep,

I start dreaming about peeing.

That's your body going, "Hey, didn't I try

to tell you something a minute ago?"

The minute you start dreaming about

peeing, you have to get up and do it,

'cause your body's like, "Nah, uh-uh.

We're not playing this game."

And when I finally agree

that I'm gonna go to the bathroom,

I become the most stealth-like ninja

human being you've ever seen in your life.

I start edging towards my side of the bed.

And while I'm doing that, I'm pushing up

the blanket right behind her, you know?

So, that way it feel like I'm still there.

Then when I get to the edge of the bed,

I literally pour myself out of the bed.

Then I get up. When you go to the bathroom

in the middle of the night,

guys, you have to make an announcement.

It doesn't have to be loud.

It doesn't have to disturb anybody,

but you have to say, "I just gotta pee."

Because if she wakes up

and you're not there,

she immediately assumes

you're sleeping with somebody else.

It's a safety thing.

It's an insurance policy.

She doesn't have to react to it.

She doesn't have to move.

You just have to say, "I just gotta pee."

And she's dreaming. She's asleep.

She's dreaming about playing tennis.

"I just gotta pee."

Made my announcement.

Ready to go to the bathroom.

I know where the squeaks are

in the floor, so I avoid them.

I tiptoe the whole way.

When you get to the bathroom door, guys,

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