Rustlers' Rhapsody

This is how evey Rex O'Herlihan

movie ever made always start.

lt was the same evey time.

And they made

52 of them in all

bemeen the years

1938 and 1947.

Sounds like trouble.

On, Wildfire, on!

1947 was the year the lights

sort ofwent out for Rex.

Yeah, he never did

much aner that.

Always made me wonder what one

ofthese B Westerns would look like.

You know, if they still

made them today.

On, Wildfire, on!

ln the first place,

the bad guys probably

wouldn't all be such cowards.

Rex probably wouldn't

be so damn pemect all the time.

Root's beginning to work.

The prairie sun has

Kissed the day gbye

Yeah, it's definitely kicking in now.

The wind behind me

Sounds like it may cy

Here we go.

Now l hear the lonesome

Whistle of a quail

As l ride alone

Along the tumbleweed trail

The road ahead is as endless

As the one l le behind

But there are no ties

To hold me down

Because l was born

The drining kind

With just a faithful horse

for company

And a saddle for my home

l ride alone

l ride alone

- Morning, ma'am.

- Morning.

Glass of warm milk, please.

Make it a sarsaparilla.

ls this one of those

really tough bars?

Well, let me have a large glass of warm

gin served with a human hair in it.

Coming up.

This here stoy

is about the time

the most wondeul and interesting

thing happened to Rex.

He met me.

Let me guess.

You're new here at Oaood

Estates, aren't you, mister?

You buy me a drink,

l'll tell you what's going on.

Bartender, make that two.

OK, OK.

Here's what's happening.

Most of these people are nobodies.

Forget about them.

That group,

those are the sheepherders.

They're the good guys.

Work hard, don't bother nobody.

But they smell God-amul.

Must be the sheep.

Makes you wanna kill them

sometimes. Oh, yeah.

Now, over here is the sheriff.

Obviously a corrupt coward

who takes his orders from the colonel.

- The colonel?

- Yeah, the colonel.

The power-mad cattle baron

who really runs the town.

Oh, yeah.

Can l have another drink?

l'm the town drunk, you know.

- Sure.

- Warm gin!

Hold the hair.

Who's that, over there?

That's Miss Tracy.

She solicits drinks,

hooks on the side.

But you know, she doesn't actually

go to bed with her customers.

She iust talks dirty to them.

And underneath that eerior

is a heart of gold.

Yeah.

How did you know that?

l know.

Of course, l don't have

to pay for sex myself.

You'll excuse me, won't you?

Hi, wanna know what's going on?

l smell sheep.

Bad guys, work for the colonel.

Now, there wouldn't happen to be any

sheepherders in here, would there?

l'm not wearing a gun.

And l'm not going to do anything

that might in any way cause you...

lt's a tough town.

Sory about the table,

saloon owner.

That's OK, Blackie.

No problem.

Since it's Tuesday,

have a free drink.

- It's on the house.

- Blackie.

You can kill me too,

if you want.

But l think it's exactly

this type of thing

that drives down property values

here in Oaood Estates...

That was the town doctor.

l'm kidding.

Just some real-estate guy.

Sory about that, sheriff.

Well, you certainly don't

have to apologize to me.

These fellows were

driving you crazy.

l swear, sometimes

l don't know how you put up with it.

Anybody else got

anything to say?

l do.

l think you're out of order, Blackie.

What do you know?

You're just a prostitute!

Who sells her body to anyone

with the financial wherewithal...

All right!

That'll be enough

of that kind of talk.

What in the hell are you?

Just a stranger passing through.

Where in the hell

did you get that shirt?

How a person dresses is nobody's

business but his or her own.

- What?

- You heard me.

You know what

you look like to me?

You look like one of those fellas

who's attracted to other men.

This is iust a warning.

lf you or your men draw on me,

l'll shoot each man in the hand.

ln the hand?

That's right.

Not in the face or the chest?

Nope.

l don't like the idea

of getting shot in the hand.

Then go home, Blackie.

- Go home?

- That's right.

Go home?

Yeah, and see someone

about your hearing.

Draw your gun, prairie faiy.

l never draw first.

Well, hell. That's no problem.

Well, don't iust stand there, boys.

Get him.

Now!

Now we've done it.

All right, you two.

Get your friend

and get out of here.

But he's dead.

So what?

Get him out of here.

You ain't heard

the last of this, mister.

l know.

Believe me, l know.

Mister, l never saw shooting

like that in my life.

You're good.

Thanks, partner.

Was that as good for you

as it was for me?

Yeah.

Excuse me.

Excuse me there, stranger.

You got a place to stay?

l got a campsite

outside of town.

Why don't you stay

in the hotel?

l never stay in town.

What's your name anyhow?

l'm Rex O'Herlihan,

The Singing Cowboy.

- The what?

- The Singing Cowboy!

Oh, well, listen, Mr. O'Herlihan.

You got to be careful

here in Oaood Estates.

This is a plenty dangerous town.

High-stakes power plays, murder,

robbey, intrigue, the works.

You think that's funny?

This is the West.

People are arbitrarily shot to pieces

Ieft and right. l mean, it is all so violent!

Where was l?

Oh. ''lt's all so violent.''

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, see, this is the West.

- Out in the West...

- l know all about the West.

l travel all over it, from town to town.

That's what l do.

Yeah, but see, in this town...

This town's no different

than any Western town.

They're all identical.

They are?

- Really?

- Yeah, really.

ln evey town there's a bar

like the one we came from.

They might not all have

continuous entertainment,

but they're basically the same.

Sheriffs stereotypical, and so is the

saloon owner with that mustache...

Oh, no, no. Those guys are unique.

l'm sory, but l iust

don't believe you.

OK, you have a vey pretty, but

somehow asexual, new schoolmarm?

Yeah.

ls the blacksmith a friendly guy

who only gets mad

when somebody

burns down his barn?

Yeah.

ls the editor of the paper an idealist

who hocked eveything for his press?

Damn.

See.

Hey, hey, l know one thing that's...

l know one thing

different about Oaood Estates.

- None of these other towns have...

- Railroad coming through.

Holy cow!

All Western towns have

the railroad coming through?

Yep.

Wait! Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

One last thing. Do all these

towns have a town drunk?

l'm not sure.

Oh, come on.

You know.

No, you're the first l ever met.

Oh, well, that's something

at least, isn't it?

Sure is, partner.

You're one of a kind.

You ought to...

You ought to travel more.

Get out, see the world.

You know,

the most amazing thing

is that all these other towns

are as violent as this one.

Yep.

Hard to believe.

Yep. dis, buckaroo.

On, Wildfire, on!

for some reason, the bad guy

was always a colonel

who had a beautiful,

young daughter

and about 1,OOO head ofcattle

which you'd hear but never see.

Let me iust ask you one question.

There's one thing

l'm most curious about.

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