Rustlers' Rhapsody Page #2

Why bring the body here?

My God, this is a home.

People live here!

Well, colonel, we didn't

know what to do with him.

Buy him. How about that?

Don't you think that's a good idea?

Oh, yeah. Yes, sir, colonel.

Do you think,

when somebody dies,

they place them permanently

on the family couch?

- No, sir.

- Gee whiz!

Well, l'm sory.

l'm a little upset, that's all.

And the couch is new,

and Blackie was my best man.

Poor Blackie.

Always acting so mean.

Always shooting people.

Well, l saw something

a little deeper than that.

l saw a man who could feel.

Who could touch.

l think we should go.

You say this stranger

shot Blackie in the back?

Yes. He got eveybody in the bar to say

that we done it. Can you believe that?

Then he's a coward and a liar!

You better take care of him.

How do you mean?

Shoot him!

End his life, that's what l mean

when l say take care of somebody.

l want you to cut him open,

reach in with your bare hands...

Hi, Daddy, am l interrupting?

No.

l was iust telling the boys

here how to buy Blackie.

Daddy, can l have Wildfire

for my vey, vey own?

Please, Daddy.

l'll be careful, l promise.

Wildfire is a lot of horse,

little lady.

Oh, Daddy, please!

lf anybody can ride him, l can.

Please, please,

please, please, please.

Well, l guess you're right.

He's yours.

Oh, thank you, Daddy!

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Buy Blackie?

Yeah, he's on the couch there, dead.

No!

You and Blackie dated?

Dated?

Oh, Daddy, we did eveything

together. Eveything.

Oh, my God.

l knew the real Blackie.

Oh, Daddy, he could feel.

He could touch.

Oh, my God!

Take care of her, men.

No, not that! Take her

upstairs is what l meant.

Gee whiz!

My dearest mother.

Quiet. Quiet.

Send $1 ,OOO

for supplies

and travel.

Thanking you in advance.

- l am...

- Let's shoot him now.

No. Let's be on the safe side,

wait till he's asleep.

The Singing Cowboy.

He's gone.

He's not gone, you idiot.

He's somewhere out there in the dark.

He got the drop on us.

Howdy, stranger.

Howdy.

We're looking for someone

named...Betty.

There's no Betty here.

No Betty here?

Did you hear that, fellas?

l reckon we came

to the wrong campsite.

l reckon you did.

You fellas are making

a big mistake.

How's that?

The way you positioned

yourselves.

When the shooting starts, you're likely

to miss me and hit each other.

You think you're real smart,

don't you, fella?

When l see something that's

obviously wrong, l usually speak up.

Well, l hope you're good

in arithmetic too

because there's only one

of you and there's...five of us.

- Oh, that doesn't matter.

- How do you mean?

Just to be semi-fair,

l'll only use one gun.

Oh, we've got a real smart aleck

on our hands, haven't we, boys?

All you have to do is draw.

What if we don't wanna draw?

Now, that would be fine with me.

Actually, l'd prefer it.

But we do wanna draw.

Don't we, men?

Anytime, boys.

You're the only one

l can turn to now, Wildfire.

You're like me.

You're wild and free

and headstrong,

but you love me.

That's why l'm the only, only person

in the whole world who can ride you.

- l'm tired of getting shot in the hand.

- Shut up.

- What are we gonna tell the colonel?

- Tell him we need help to kill this guy.

Who is it?

A bunch of your men.

Five of them.

l'll be right there, men.

Did you kill him?

No, not exactly.

Not exactly?

Well, we tried to kill him, colonel,

but he shot us in the hands.

- In the hands?

- Yeah, it hurts too.

l think we ought to talk to the railroad

men about helping us kill this guy.

l don't like going

to the railroad for help.

This guy's faster

on the draw than Blackie was.

Yeah, colonel,

and he never misses.

J:

Well

maybe we should

go to the railroad people.

Why don't you all come in,

make yourselves comfortable.

- We'll gab about it.

- Well, we can't, colonel.

We have to, you know, go to town,

see the doctor about our hands.

- And it's a weeknight.

- Yeah.

Oh, all right, good night!

Oh, by the way,

have any of you seen my daughter?

- No.

- No. No, sir, colonel.

She's probably

out riding Wildfire.

There's one little lady

who can take care of herself.

Help! Help!

Help!

ln the '60s, they started making

these spaghetti Westerns.

l was always jealous

of these guys

because they had better

background music than we did.

They all got to wear

those great raincoats,

even when it was 110

in the shade.

Trouble was, you could hardly

understand anything they said.

Colonel, don't you think

you and me ought

to work together?

l mean, l know

our men dress differently,

but look what we have

in common.

We're both rich.

We're both power-mad.

And we're both colonels. Now,

that's got to count for something.

Tell me...

Tell me about this stranger

who shoots men in the hand.

Could his presence here

result in an all-out range war?

Well, maybe not a range war exactly,

but certainly a lot of killing.

You have my word on that,

a lot of it!

All right.

Count us in.

Oh, good, good, good.

Now, the first thing

we have to do

is keep the element

of surprise.

This fancy-shooting fella

has got to be kept

completely in the dark

about what we're doing.

Hey, look!

What the...?

Somebody pull

the emergency brake!

- Quick!

- No! Don't!

Get the horses!

We can't.

We left them at the station.

Oh, you idiots!

What were we supposed

to do, buy them tickets?

Have you got three rifles

with telescopic sights?

Yes.

You missed!

How could you miss?

Even with these sights, we got

a target 100 yards away or more.

We've never fired

these weapons before!

There's a definite wind factor,

and we've got a problem with the sun!

Just shoot, OK?

Well, hell, we're gonna

be here all day.

This isn't going

to be easy, is it?

On, Wildfire, on!

Have you got a light?

Yeah, l got a light.

Your butt and my face.

Now, wait a minute.

l got a match.

Yeah, and it's...

It's not your butt.

lt's... It's my butt!

Yeah, my butt and...

My butt and...

Hi, stranger,

wanna know what's going on?

l'm the town doctor, you fool.

- Oh, yeah. Hi, doc. How's it going?

- Bartender, shot of bourbon.

l didn't recognize you.

You look like you seen a ghost.

l've seen worse than that.

- Where's the hair?

- It's in there.

Last night, five men came to me,

all complaining of hand injuries.

Almost identical.

Not more than 20 minutes ago,

three more men came in

with the same wound.

- Is that a coincidence?

- What do you think it is?

l can't be sure.

l don't want to start a panic,

but l think...

l think it's some kind of bacteria

that splits the skin.

Fortunately, so far,

it's just confined to males,

but who can tell?

l'm not prepared to fight

this kind of thing.

l don't have the tools

or the know-how.

l don't have the drugs!

- Will you excuse me, doc?

- Sure.

Just talk?

- That's it?

- That's it.

- For $600?

- Yeah.

These are the 1880s,

$600 is a fortune.

Los Angeles real estate is going

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