Rustlers' Rhapsody Page #5

l don't see how l can lose.

Yeah. But l don't drink whiskey

with hair in it.

Me neither. l iust buy it.

l don't have the colonel's daughter,

who's practically a minor,

out to my campsite after dark.

That was wrong, l admit...

ln the company of a known prostitute

and a notorious alcoholic.

- Yeah, you see, but they...

- True or false?

- True, but...

- There were drugs present?

- Well, you could say that.

- Yes or no?

- Yes! What are you, a lamer?

- Used to be, yeah.

Look, l know this all sounds bad...

You did all this stuff, and you still

call yourself a good guy?

Yeah. Yeah, you're damn right l do.

- You don't have to curse.

- l'll curse if l want to!

Damn, damn, hell, damn,

tee-tee, do-do.

Hold on, little buckaroos. You can't

be hearing language like that.

Get on back to school, obey your

teachers and study really hard.

Nice going.

l also understand you're 31 , single

and don't even date.

- What?

- The colonel told me.

- What are you getting at?

- Nothing.

Except we both know

in order to be a good guy,

you gotta be

a confident heterosexual.

- A what?

- A confident heterosexual.

Well, of course l know that.

Let's draw. l'll shoot you in both hands.

OK. Since we're both good guys,

neither of us can draw first.

- l'll count down from five.

- Let's go.

Five, four...

- You said, ''A confident heterosexual''?

- Yes.

- l thought it was iust a heterosexual.

- No, it's a confident heterosexual.

- You're sure?

- l'm sure.

l didn't know that.

Don't wory, Rex,

l'm not gonna hurt you.

l'll iust shoot the guns

out of your hands.

- Rather you shoot me in the heart.

- You know l can't do that.

Five.

- Four.

- Confident.

Three.

- Two.

- Wait a minute. Hold it.

l can't fight you today.

l'll fight you tomorrow

or maybe Thursday.

Thursday would be good.

l'll see you then.

And Rex backed down,

first time ever.

Right away,

eveyy got down on him.

Coward!

Pervert!

Libertine!

You know how people are. They're

probably like this in your hometown.

Freethinker!

Homo!

No!

No! Hey, you!

Never mind.

Hey, you!

You can't talk to my friend like that!

Well, what are you gonna do?

Where will you go?

l don't know.

l'm certainly not

the good guy anymore.

l guess the first thing l'll do

is get some new clothes.

Understated stuff, lots of browns.

Then l guess l'll have to sell Wildfire.

What?

l have to. He's too good a horse

for me now.

Hey. Hey, Rex.

Let's get the targets

and go practice.

Practice doesn't have anything

to do with it. It's all psychological.

lf you're confident, you win.

If not, you lose. And l'm not.

About what?

About...

About...

You know what my life is like.

l'm on the road all the time.

So you know, l kiss the girls,

and then l leave.

That's all l do. l iust kiss them.

It never gets any further than that.

This is 1884. You gotta date

and date and date and date,

and sometimes mary them even,

before they'll...

You know.

Wait a minute.

You mean, you've never...?

Never.

My God, Rex.

You are a good guy.

He wouldn't fight.

He's scared.

lt's a combination of guilt

and insecurity.

lt's obvious that he's not at home

with his sexuality.

- What?

- His sexuality.

J:

Well

that definitely finishes him

as a good guy.

You can't be a good guy and scared.

Well, l'm not so sure.

l want him taken care of permanently.

- Bob, you've got to go out and get him.

- l can't.

lf he's backed down, l can't go

after him. It wouldn't be nice.

Then we've got to draw him

back to you.

How?

Do something despicable to him.

Something so rotten

he'll have to come back in.

l can't have a hand in any of that.

Of course, of course.

- Cookie?

- Thanks.

Rex must have known

something was up,

because he took special precautions

with my safety.

But he didn't care about himself.

He even threw away his guns.

True to their word, the bad guys

did something despicable.

Something that really made Rex mad

and didn't amuse me much either.

Hey, drunk!

Peter!

On, Wildfire, on!

Oh, good morning, Mr. Rex.

Get your rifle and come with me.

Oh, l'm sory, Mr. Rex.

l cannot do that.

Let the old men who start the wars

fight the wars.

Get your rifle and come with me,

or l'll shoot your wife in the shoulder.

He's coming!

He's coming!

He's coming!

- And he's standing in the saddle!

- Standing in the saddle?

lt's not important.

lt means nothing.

He's just showing off.

lt looks like he's brought

some folks with him.

l'm back, Bob.

Morning, Rex.

Nice to see you.

Now!

Just like you said, Rex!

What?! Oh, now,

wait just a minute here.

This really came out of the blue.

We shot that guy yesterday.

- Twice.

- Twice!

- With shotguns.

- l mean, come on!

You think Rex O'Herlihan doesn't know

that his sidekick always gets killed?

Why didn't he hire me right away?

Why do you think

he made me wear this?

Wake up, you iugheads. He's always

two steps ahead of guys like you.

l didn't know about the man on

the roof. l had nothing to do with this.

l don't approve of your actions here.

We're gonna have to talk about it.

l'm tired of talking.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Hold your fire!

Hold your fire!

No reason for anybody to get involved

except Bob and me.

Little late, big guy.

All my men are dead.

Evey single one of them.

- Who will build the railroad now?

- Forget about the railroad.

Forget the railroad?

That's vey simple for you to say.

- We'll talk later.

- No. We'll talk now!

l think you are overbearing.

And l think he is...boring.

And l wish l had never gotten involved

in any of this.

Well, Rex, you wanna call it off?

No.

You started this. l'm gonna finish it.

- Five.

- Still got the same problems.

- Four.

- We could just walk away from it.

- Three.

- Whatever you want.

- Two.

- Violence is no solution.

One.

You're not a good guy at all.

l'm a lamer, you idiot!

Rex. Rex.

You shot him in the head.

How do you feel about that?

l missed his hand.

Rex. Rex!

Rex, are you all right?

Yeah.

Just let me rest here for a while.

Let me close my eyes.

Rex.

Rex, don't die on me.

Please, Rex, please!

l'll be all right, Peter.

Believe me, l know.

Hot diggity!

He's gonna be all right, eveybody.

He knows!

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Rex?

l can't help but feel a little responsible

for what's happened here today.

Would a totally sincere ''sory'' do?

Well, it's a start, colonel.

lt's a good start.

Thanks, Rex.

- Boy, is he nice.

- Let me through.

Let me through. l'm a doctor.

That leg has to come off for sure.

Take him to my office.

Take it easy, you cow patties.

Don't hurt him!

- Peter?

- Right here.

- Get me a root, quick.

- On my way.

- Peter.

- Yeah, Rex.

- l need a clean shirt.

- Coming up.

A blue one. The cobalt blue one

with the white suede yokes and cuffs.

Right, Rex.

Not the turquoise one

with the white fringe.

Oh, no, no, no.

Get out of the way!

Hey, eveybody,

big party at my house!

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