Santa's Slay

---

Joy to the world

The Lord has come

Let Earth receive her King.

I'd better get | a Kate Spade bag this year.

And none of that shopping-mall, | chain-store sh*t.

Settle for nothing | less than Prada, girls.

Gwen! Don't be telling | my kids that.

I'm trying to teach them | some values.

You're getting Kate Spade.

Hey.

What does Gwenie want | from big ol' Santa?

Just a faithful husband.

What's the second thing | she wants?

You know what | I'm thinking, angel?

- What, darling? | - I was thinking,

"Dear God,

don't let this bird taste like a shoe | like it did last year.

Let it be tender and moist | just for once."

Yeah, moist. | That would be nice.

It's called "foreplay."

I don't wanna screw the bird. | I wanna eat it.

I swear to you she dehydrated | this turkey from Thanksgiving.

Come here, Scribbles.

You try it.

Scribbles.

One potato.

- Ooh, Virginia. | - Two potato.

Oh, that's a good one.

Three potato.

Let's dig in.

Listen, you half a fag!

I'll stick this fork | in your eye!

Why don't you beg Santa | for a pair of balls?

Beth, say grace.

Dear Lord,

thank you for the bountiful food | that you've provided for us,

and that our loving family | can be together this Christmas.

Also, thank you | for not making us poor

or Samoan.

Thank you | for Maxim Pharmaceuticals,

the latest M-Class,

and let those that are | less fortunate work harder.

Agh! Whoa!

Oh my God! | My stocking!

Is that...

Santa?

Yes, Virginia, | there is a Santa Claus.

Whoa!

Daddy!

Who are you? | What are you doing?

You want some?

Help!

No, Santa! No!

I've been good!

- Christmas | - The snow's coming down

- Christmas | - I'm watching it fall

- Christmas | - Lots of people around

- Christmas | - Baby, please come home

- Christmas | - The church bells in town

- Christmas | - They're ringing a song

- Christmas | - What a happy sound

- Christmas | - Baby, please come home

They're singing | "Deck the Halls"

But it's not like | Christmas at all

'Cause I remember | when you were here

And all the fun | we had last year

- Christmas | - Many lights on the tree

- Christmas | - And I'm watching them shine

- Christmas | - You should be here with me

- Christmas | - Baby, please come home

They're singing | "Deck the Halls"

But it's not like | Christmas at all

'Cause I remember | when you were here

And all the fun | we had last year

- Christmas | - Pretty lights on the tree

- Christmas | - And I'm watching them shine

- Christmas | - You should be here with me

- Christmas | - Baby, please come home

- Christmas | - If there was a way

- Christmas | - I'd hold back these tears

- Christmas | - But it's Christmas Day

- Christmas | - Please please please

- Baby, please come home | - Christmas

- Oh, oh, oh, oh | - Christmas

Oh...

What the hell is | in the Holiday Hoagie?

- Turkey, cranberry, stuffing and mayo. | - What? Slow down!

And stop smacking | on that damn chewing gum!

Yeah, uh...

turkey, Raisinettes, | Cheerios, cranberries,

gummy bears, Altoids...

Oh, you're being cute, | you little sh*t.

Just give me the roast beef plain, | none of that lean crap.

You're just as loony | as your crackpot grandfather.

I hope you haven't inerited that | old codger Yulesors Christmas spirit.

Tell that boob to put | some Christmas decorations up.

How're you doing there, | Mrs. Talbot? How are you?

That's a roast beef sandwich. | That's $4.75.

- That's with a senior discount? | - Yes, it is.

What a hustle!

Would $4.50 | make you any happier?

$4.50.

All right.

Here you go.

And have a very | happy holiday there, Mrs. Talbot...

Don't use that political | language sh*t with me.

It's Christmas. | Wish me merry Christmas.

I'm sorry. | Merry Christmas, Mrs. Talbot.

Thank you, | and go f*** yourself.

What a fuckir whore!

What a pleasant lady.

Santa's comir to town

And bringir the joy | to every girl and every boy...

I love Christmas, | yes, I do...

Move, b*tch!

Get outta the way!

Workir on Santa's sleigh...

Suck it!

Ho ho ho, | Merry Christmas!

I got you two a little something | to show my appreciation

for how hard | you two work here.

- Thank you so very much, Mr. Green. | - This is for you, this is for you.

You're so very welcome. | Open it up.

Open it, open it, open it!

- Thank you so much for the snow globe. | - Ta da.

- That's okay. | - Wisconsin?

Yes, and Wisconsirs | beautiful rolling farmlands, see?

I know how much | of a kick you got

out of the Delaware globe | I got you last year, so...

And what did you get?

A clock. Thank you.

It's not just a clock. | This is a Games Illustrated Clock.

You can tell the time | in all the 25 time zones.

Look, in Mexico City,

you got Frankfurt, | you got New Delhi,

Hartford... | a place called Rik-a-vikia.

I don't know where that is, | but you can tell the time there.

That's wonderful and great. | Thanks so much, Mr. Green.

Go ahead, get outta here. | It's Christmas Eve. Stop working. Go.

- Here, I got it. | - Thank you.

- Bye-bye. | - Hey Mac, is this yours?

Mark my words, Nicholas, | you will never get me.

Thank you, Mr. Green.

- Do you want a lift home? | - Sure.

You've got it tuned | to the Great One!

99 FM... so lock it in | and jerk your knob off!

Hell's best hip-hop station.

99 FM's Christmas Eve forecast | calls for cold, cold, cold temperatures,

so throw another | Yule log on the fire.

Near freezing in Hell and pretty much | the same can be expected

for those of you planning | on rocking out with Hell's Bells...

One for the kids | who like to get toys

Two for the ones | who like to make noise

Three for Santa | because he rolls with elves

And if you're feeling my flavor, | just rock the bells!

You don't care too much | for Christmas, do you?

- I've never had much reason to. | - Why?

I don't know. | It's always disappointing.

Like I'd want an Optimus Prime | or Castle Grayskull,

and I'd always end up with | a stupid mini-bake oven or something.

Grandpa.

Grandpa, are you home?

Grandpa?

Grandpa, is that you?

- Agh! | - Whoa!

Doggone it, Nick!

That's the second box of bulbs | I've dropped tonight.

What in the hell are you doing? | Why didn't you answer me?

Don't be throwing the word "hell" | around all willy nilly like that.

I live in Hell, for Christ's sake.

True.

That's way you dare not use | the Lord's name so indiscriminately.

One of the lights | in the bunker went out.

I flipped the switch. | You know, I couldn't remember

whether it was | on or off position.

And so I had to turn the power off | just to change the light bulb.

Bunker? What are you | talking about?

Aw, are you kidding me?

You're not on another one of your | wacko inventing binges, are you?

Is this why I haven't seen you | for the last couple of days?

Yeah, I've been busy.

Hey, what's this?

Uh, be careful there. | That's a nutcracker.

I can see that. It just seems | a little Christmassy for you.

Do you know that the chestnut can | explode if you don't puncture the skin

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes