Santa's Slay Page #2

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- before it's heated? | - That's fascinating, Grandpa.

I told you to be careful!

You could have | put your eye out!

There appears to be a design flaw | that needs to be worked out.

File that next to brown-colored | toilet paper as a bad idea.

Now what about that bunker?

Watch your noodle there.

Um...

Grandpa, I-I...

Any desire to explain?

I mean, sometimes I think | I'm the only person in this town

that doesn't believe | you're completely nuts and...

uh, frankly,

my belief is dwindling.

Let them think | whatever they want to.

This is about survival. | I know what they say.

I've been hearing it | most of my life,

but I'd rather be crazy and alive | than ignorant and dead.

No, Santa

A big surprise for you...

What up, Santa b*tch?

How much Christmas cheer | you got in the pot?

Don't cry, baby, | Santa's back in town

Get the presents, | candy canes, too

Rudolph is here, | he's coming for you

Don't cry, baby, | don't cry

You were bad | all year long

Now there's nothir... | nothir you can do

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Grandpa, I used to think it was because | you were grumpy and a little senile,

but Mrs. Talbot said | you've always hated Christmas.

The heck with that old hag!

I don't see any reason | to commercialize Santa.

Besides, he hasn't always been | that loveable poster boy for Coca-Cola.

Oops.

Sorry.

Why? What for?

Oh God!

- You didn't. | - I said I was sorry.

Grandpa, I want the truth | about Christmas.

And no, I'm not asking you to tell me | that Santa Claus isn't real.

I'm a little too old | for that discussion.

I'd just be a little careful | of what I ask Santa for this year.

What, are we Jewish | or something?

Okay.

Come on, follow me.

You're full of surprises tonight.

Oh!

For a lifetime of service?

Grandpa, I had no idea | you were in the military.

I wasrt.

What the hell's that? | The Necronomicon?

If it's the truth you want,

then it's the scary truth | you're gonna have. Sit down.

This is the Book of Claus.

Been in the possession of our family | for countless generations.

What does it say?

English, Gramp.

"In the history of man..."

I don't know why you're afraid | to use your Norse, Nicky.

If you don't practice it, you'll never | be able to speak it or read it.

"In the history of man, there have been | only two immaculate conceptions,

the first being God and the Virgin Mary | and the birth of their son, Jesus.

The second was Satan | with the Virgin Ericka

and the birth | of their son, Santa.

On the anniversary of his birth,

there were always a great number | of unexplained deaths and murders.

This day became known | as the Dag of Mord

or the Day of Slayings.

Eventually, Christianity spread | and when the Dag of Mord arrived,

the townspeople would have | a Mass of Christ or a Christ-Mass,

where they would pray | to their Lord for protection.

In the beginning | of the 11th century,

one of God's angels | took the form of a man."

Carolers... I don't want them | singing around here.

Mary. | Nicky, your friend, Mary.

Come in, come in, | come in, my dear.

Hi.

I hope you like wolverine.

My dad shot it this morning,

you know, with his | Ammo for Animals club.

It's so fresh, you can | almost smell its breath.

Well, thank you.

I didn't realize | I hadrt eaten a thing

until just now.

I don't believe I've ever had | wolverine before.

Oh, well it looks delicious.

I just hope it's not wicked cold.

What are you doing here?

Just trying to spread | some holiday cheer.

- What's this? | - How about you just open it?

You got me a gun?

I don't mean to sound ungrateful, | but what, are you f***ing retarded?

No, you jack-off.

It's more than meets the eye.

You said you always wanted one.

I'm as happy as a Make-a-Wish kid.

There are some people | who don't believe

in the spirit of Christmas, | oh, no they don't.

There are some people who don't | believe Christmas should exist at all,

that it's become too commercial, | yes, they do.

There are some people | who don't believe

in the spirit of Christmas giving, | no, no they don't.

And there are even some people

who think that charity

is for the lazy.

Oh, my friends, | charity is not for the lazy.

Charity is for the needy.

Dig deep into your hearts | and deep into your pockets.

Give them your money | and don't give them coins.

I see a lot of coins | in that plate.

Give them bills. | Give the needy bills.

Show them that you | have the true spirit of Christmas

in your hearts, | and that you're ready to show it.

Let us pray.

It depends on how much | I get done.

I'm still at work, okay? | Yeah, hold on, hold on.

Yeah. Oh, no, no, of course | I know what day it is tomorrow.

Yes. Well, choir ran | a little late.

Okay, fine. | Love you, honey. Bye.

So, how's it tonight, Tim.

You'll get plenty | of attention tonight. Really dead.

Christmas Eve.

Well, a little something | for your stocking.

You werert even here, Pastor.

Oh yeah, baby, yeah!

- Hey. | - Nice tits.

Whoa.

I wanna see that man, | Santa Claus

I said it's Christmas time

I wanna see that man, | Santa Claus...

Whoa!

Where do you think | you're going, fat boy?

I thought I'd stuff | some stockings.

I don't think so.

To P*ssy Town

Slide down slow

Beneath your belly | I go...

Look what just slid down the chimney. | Merry Christmas.

So anyway, I was talking | about the gift that keeps on giving.

That's what Christmas | is all about.

To P*ssy Town...

Ho, ho, hos.

Santa Claus got | them loaded on his sleigh

When he's out for the night | don't get in his way

Don't even try | to shut him down

He's on his way | to Lovir Town

Checking out the ladies, | head and toes

Looking to find | every girl and boy

So where's he hanging out?

Time to go.

Santa Claus, Santa Claus

Santa Claus, | yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Santa Claus, Santa Claus

Santa Claus, | yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Santa Claus, Santa Claus

Santa Claus, | yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

You guys, get back.

Naughty.

We're having quite a night here | at the 43rd annual Christmas Eve

Smash 'Em and Crash 'Em Derby.

Now that was the number five car | going out there.

That's Jacoby. He's done | for the night, I think.

Well, if I don't get to bed | and get my beauty sleep,

I'll probably end up looking | like one of you.

- Good night, Grandpa. | - Merry Christmas.

Now, there's a big hit right there. | Jody Boyd has backed right into...

I'm sorry. I forgot.

It's fine.

You think he's bananas, | don't you?

No no, not bananas.

A little odd, but...

not bananas.

A little odd?

You wanna talk | about a little odd?

Odd is being a member | of the Rifle of the Month Club.

Odd is when all the available | wall space in your house is covered

with the head of an endangered | or extinct animal.

Odd is someone's father I know.

I'm sorry, Nicholas.

I'm sorry I even | came over here tonight.

...just backed | right into him, oh!

Yeah, you got my number.

Call me when you're ready | for a more mature relationship.

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