Santa's Slay Page #5

---

I'm beginning to feel | a little more like my old self again.

Wicked, your grandfather's | an angel.

I told you | he'd look after you.

I swear I'll never take | the Lord's name in vain again.

You're forgiven, Nicholas.

Sorry I couldn't have made | you death a more painful one.

How did you know | I'd find you?

You said you'd | go to Hell and back to find me

once the bet was over.

So I moved to Hell Township.

Is your grandfather | always so literal?

I had to make sure

you would honor | our wager.

It was easy to find you.

"Dear Santa,

I've been a good boy | nearly every day this year.

I wanted to see you | at the mall,

but my grandfather | finished curling practice too late.

I don't think | he really wanted to go,

so I'm writing you this letter | to tell you

what I would like | for Christmas.

Can I please have | a mini-bake oven?

Sincerely, | Nicholas Yuleson"

29 Meadowlark Lane.

Hell Township.

Let the boy go. | It's me you really want.

On the contrary, I knew the boy | would lead me to you and he did.

Now that he's | the last remaining Yuleson...

Why don't we settle this, | Claus?

Care to redeem yourself?

This time,

I set the stakes.

If I win, | there's no more Day of Slayings.

It's back to being good | once and for all.

- How 'bout it? | - When you lose,

you will enter | that hell hole

and your soul will be enslaved | for all of eternity.

- How about that? | - Grandpa!

Nicky, just remember,

the only won'th-while gifts

are practical ones.

Go!

Damn!

I hope you enjoyed | your little furlough.

Now, let's finish this.

- Grandpa! | - Aaaaah!

- Grandpa! | - Yes!

Not to worry. | You'll be joining him

soon enough.

The clock just struck midnight | at the Pole.

Christmas is officially over | for you, Santa.

You know,

most people | make the same mistake.

The correct time at the Pole | is completely discretionary

because the Poles | are where all the time zones

actually converge.

He's scary, | yet educational.

So, what I'm saying,

nitwits,

is that Christmas is over

when I say it's over.

Chest-nut.

Hello?

Let's turn up the heat!

I'm roasting!

Here, give me your hand. | I got you!

Pull!

Remember me?!

Come on! | Pull, Mac!

Get back in line!

Ha!

Honey, I had | the most terrible nightmare.

Visions of sugarplums?

So, is everyone okay?

I'm fine, but I think | you have some explaining to do.

Okay.

My boy,

I loved your grandmother | very, very much.

What powers I had, | I lost all for her.

I'm telling you, kids, | Santa's bluffing.

He's powerless now.

Let's go after him and put an end | to this once and for all.

What do you say?

- Okay, we'll go. | - Yeah.

- Grandpa? | - I don't believe I can cross.

I can't leave you, | Grandpa. Not again.

I don't recall | raising a sally!

Now go! | I promise

I'll be around.

Time to go on the offense.

The bears eat salmon.

They stand there all damn day | and wait for those fish to jump up.

I wouldn't touch 'em though.

That time of year, | they look like monsters.

Their muzzles are all disgusting | and everything.

Hey. Hey, there's that a**hole | who blew by here earlier.

And my baby sister.

- Come on, we need your help. | - What?

Come on, hurry up.

How would you like to tell | everyone in your park...

your block, that you have | a bird deer mounted on your wall?

What do you mean?

I'm sure half of you guys | have been dreaming about this

your entire lives. | Hunting a flying buck?

And you know | where one is?

Just get ready. I'm going to give | the special bird deer call.

The little prick was right.

It's a reindeer.

- Come on, man. | - Load up, load up.

You're going down

in history.

Here. | You can do it.

- Oh! | - Yeah!

- Ah! | - Oh!

Whooo-hoooo!

Daddy?

Hi, sweetheart!

Daddy, | where did you get that bazooka?

Vinnie gave it to me | for Christmas.

He'd been saving up | his llama loot.

Isn't it great?

It only cost me a lung.

And your vocal chords.

That sure looks like | Santa to me.

I guess Christmas is over. | Santa's stuck on the North Pole.

Mac!

It's Pastor Timmons.

Pastor Timmons | is the psycho Santa guy?

What a scandal. | I was one of his alter boys.

What?

All right, | everyone stand back.

Things are about | to get a little messy.

And make sure you include | in your report

that the light anti-tank weapon | is registered.

- Thank you. | - Let's go bag the stag.

Hey, Mary! | You want to come help?

No, you have fun, | Daddy.

Why didn't you | say anything?

Christmas is over,

Santa's gone. | Why should they live in fear?

But he's still out there.

I think my saga's | just beginning.

Hey, I think | your dad left this.

He'll probably need it.

I got you.

Hey, | I got you.

Yeah, but you hit | like a girl.

Yeah, well you kiss | like a guy.

So... | Mr. Satan.

Actually, | that's "Shatan."

Oh, | like the hockey player.

Well, we have you

connecting in Winnipeg and...

continuing on too...

Borneo Airport, | North Pole.

That's correct.

How many bags | do you have to check, sir?

Just one.

Has your... sack

been out of your sight | at all?

Well, just have a seat.

We'll board in 10 minutes.

Can I help | the next person, please?

One two three...

Bye bye, Santa

Santa, bye bye

Bye bye, Santa

I ain't going to cry

You killed my gramps | and you're trying to kill me

I hope your sleigh | goes down in the sea

Bye bye, Santa

Santa, bye bye

Bye bye, Santa

I know it's too bad

I thought you were sweet and nice, | but I think we've been had

If you were to go | on a terror run

Yeah, I'm glad | we shot you down with a gun

Bye bye, Santa

Santa, bye bye

I bet you ate Rudolph, | I bet you killed him

I bet you tore Dasher up | limb by limb

I just have a question, | I just can't see

Why you got to be | so mean to me?

Bye bye, Santa

Santa, bye bye

Bye bye, Santa

I ain't going to cry

You killed my gramps | and you're trying to kill me

I hope your sleigh | goes down in the sea

Bye bye, Santa

Santa, bye bye

Bye bye, Santa

Santa, bye bye

Bye bye, Santa

Santa, bye bye.

Deck the halls | with boughs of holly

Na na na na naaa, | na na na na

'Tis the season | to be jolly

Na na na na naaa, | na na na na

Don we now | our gay apparel

Na na na, na na na, | na na na

Troll the ancient | Yuletide carol

Na na na na naaa, | na na na na

See the blazing Yule | before us

Na na na na naaa, | na na na na

Strike the lamp | and join the chorus

Na na na na naaa, | na na na na

Follow me | in merry measure

Na na na, na na na, | na na na

While I tell | of Yuletide treasure

Na na na na naaa, | na na na na

Deck the halls | with boughs of holly

Na na na na naaa, | na na na na

'Tis the season | to be jolly

Na na na na naaa, | na na na na

Don we now | our gay apparel

Na na na, na na na, | na na na

Troll the ancient | Yuletide carol

Na na na na naaa, | na na na na

Na na na na naaa, na na na na

Na na na na naaa, | na na na na.

Christmas in Detroit, | down river style

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes