Say It Isn't So Page #2

and comes home smellin'

like cat piss every night.

- Promise me you'll be polite.

- Of course I'll be polite.

Of course I'll be polite. Gosh!

Jack called again today.

I talked to him for a long time.

He asked me why you left him.

I wish you would tell him, because

I can't make any sense out of it.

Are you listening to me?

- Hold on.

- Oh, would you... just put the thing down!

You listen to me now.

Good men are few and far between

in this world.

When you find yourself a keeper -

the way I found your sweet pop out there,

then you grab ahold of him and you

treat him the way he wants to be treated.

- Valdine!

- What?

Valdine.

Valdine!

- What is it, gimpy?

- I want a beer, goddammit.

Now, look. You curb your language or I'll take

this Voc-a-lator 3000 right back to Wal-Mart.

You hear me? Jeez!

What in the name of God...

- I was watchin' that.

- Yeah, I bet you were.

You've just had a stroke.

Do you want another one?

- I want you to stay calm.

- Get me a goddamn beer.

Gilly! Ringo!

All the dogs at the animal shelter

chipped in for a little going-away present.

Well, thank them for me, and thank you.

- Just doin' my job.

- How's your ear?

It's OK. I got all the pus drained out of it.

Close the goddamn door.

You have a robot?

Daddy, I'd like you to meet Gilly Noble.

It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr Wingfield.

He's a little shy around strangers.

- I'm gonna get Ringo some half-and-half.

- OK.

So...

Oh, golf, huh?

It seems every time I play,

I get Tourette's syndrome.

You know. Fore!

Sh*t, damn, crap.

Fore! Sh*t, damn, crap.

Hey, dork.

Turn it to Channel 7, dipshit.

You can say "dipshit" with that thing.

That's neat.

Come on, have some more. You probably

don't eat this well very often on your salary.

- Mama, leave him alone.

- Aw, that's OK, Jo.

I'll find room.

So, Willy, what do they pay you

down there for gassin' strays?

No, ma'am, I don't gas them.

What do you do? Hit 'em with a bat?

No, I meant I'm not the one

who actually puts them to sleep.

I, uh... I couldn't do that.

And as for the pay, it's not much,

but it plays into my long-term career goal.

- Which is?

- I wanna be a veterinarian.

You'd be a great vet.

Doctor Noble.

Thanks, but it's not gonna be easy.

Four more years at the junior college

and I'll have my two-year degree.

And then I'll transfer over to State,

and with a BA in general studies

I should be able to get into

any vet school in Mexico.

Sounds foolproof.

If Gilly says he's gonna be a vet,

then I believe he's gonna be a vet.

Excuse me a minute.

Care for a taste of my pie?

No, thanks. I'm full.

Suit yourself. I'm gonna have a slice.

Easy on the corns, Dr Dolittle.

The Lord,

our Lord,

has blessed me with the divine gifts

of tracking, finding and retrieving.

Come on, Vic.

Just tell me what you have so far.

I'll tell you what I got.

Now, I'm about 90 per cent on this.

But I believe that your birth mother is still

alive and living somewhere in the local area.

And her name is...

Suki Yamaguchi.

That sounds a little...

Japanese- y to me.

This detective, Vic Vetter, is lookin'

for my family. But so far, no luck.

What if you find out you're the son of the guy

who invented shoe polish? You'd be rich.

I wouldn't care if he just

shined shoes for a living.

Not havin' a family's left a big,

empty space inside of me.

- It's really important that I find them.

- You will.

This is the first time I've ever

been up here with anyone.

- You don't like it up here, do you?

- No, no, it's fine. It's fine.

Just being here reminds me of a bad time.

I was seven and we had to

put our dog Humpy to sleep.

I still haven't gotten over it.

- It's ridiculous, I know.

- No, that's not ridiculous at all.

Every Friday I see animals

being put to sleep here

and I wish that I could take 'em

all home with me, but I can't.

And every time one of those animals dies,

I feel like a part of me dies too.

About a year ago, I wrote this poem

that I recite to all the dogs before they go.

It helps me and...

I like to think it helps them too.

I'd love to hear it.

No, it's not very good.

I don't care.

OK.

O noble creature

The time has come

For the two of us to part

And for you to go to a better place

A place deep inside my heart

A place where you'll be free to run

After a car or a bouncing ball

So go, noble creature

Through that doggy door

And fetch a stick that's thrown by God

And wag thy tail for ever more

While a friendly voice repeats:

"Good dog, good dog".

So that's it. And after I read it,

I usually fire off a one-gun salute

with a pistol we keep here at the shelter.

I know it sounds silly, but...

It doesn't sound silly.

Help.

Very funny.

This is a great day. It was a good idea.

- Shall we have the champagne?

- No.

Let's wait till later.

You know, the day I cut your ear off,

I never dreamed we'd be

spending six months together.

Yeah, that is pretty funny.

I've had such a good time with you,

just hanging out, having fun.

No strings attached.

Most guys are so possessive.

You know, they talk about marriage

before the first year is even up.

There was this one schmuck, he actually

went out and he got a plane and a banner.

It was so lame! Talk about pressure.

- I'd love to, Gilly.

- Love to what?

I'd love to marry you.

That's my Uncle Joe's plane up there.

Joseph Wingfield is your uncle.

I'm named after him.

You know, it probably

should have occurred to me.

Boy, you don't quit, do ya?

Oh, that's it. That's the spot.

Oh, don't go back there!

We gotta save some for the honeymoon.

What are you sayin', Gilly?

Nothin'. I was just...

messin' around with Ringo.

Hey, Jo.

Who's Jack?

- What Jack?

- You know.

On-your-ass Jack.

Well, he's my ex-boyfriend from Oregon.

I've been meaning to get it removed.

You're not jealous, are you?

You're the one with the half-naked

Suzanne Somers over his bed.

Come on. Now don't bad-mouth Suzanne.

She got me through

my awkward teenage years.

- Do you mean you beat off to her?

- Not to brag, but... up to five times a day.

Wow.

Do you wanna try to break that record?

Hey, it's Gilly. Leave a message.

Hey, Noble. It's Vic. I know it's early,

but are you there, buddy?

- Pick up. I got a package in the mail.

- I love you, Jo.

- Surprise! I found your mother.

- I love you, Gilly.

I touched all the bases on this one.

I'm 110 per cent sure.

Your mother's name is Valdine Wingfield.

Wingfield.

You gotta understand.

I had just had little Jo

and we were strapped for cash

and then I found out

I was pregnant again - with you!

Old R2-D2 couldn't keep it

in his pants back then,

and now he can't even wipe his own ass!

I just didn't know how I was gonna feed

everybody and you were such a hungry child!

I figured the best thing to do

was to give you away.

You know, to somebody who

wouldn't resent you for your burden.

I mean, one of you had to go

and Jo was already house-broke.

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