Say It Isn't So Page #3

This can't be happening.

I know how difficult this must be for you.

But think how lucky you are that

you found out before it was too late,

before you got married and

consummated this forbidden relationship.

Sweet Lord! You ponied your sister.

Oh, my God.

Hey, maggot. What are you doin' out here?

- Nothin'.

- What you got there?

Well, I'd say Cougar.

What do you think, Wingfield?

It's a coyote, Stewart.

There are no cougars in Indiana.

Hell, I'm talkin' about the car.

Looks like Cougar tread.

- I used to work in a tyre store, you know.

- Yeah?

- Well, I used to work at the animal shelter.

- Hey, Gilly, you know I had no choice.

Know how it feels when newspapers

call you the boss of a sister-f***er?

Whole damn town thinks

I'm runnin' a sister-fuckeria.

Coulda stuck by me, Larry.

It was gonna blow over.

Come on, Gilly. Who are you shittin'?

Not that I blame you. I mean, if I had

a sister that looked like that... whoa!

Wham- bam-thank-you-sis!

You're right about that.

You know, I'd say, sister or no,

I'd still like to get a crack at her.

That is, if she ever comes back.

- Is she still up in Oregon?

- As far as I know.

All right, maggots! Chop chop!

Dearest Gilly, I'm sorry

I left without saying goodbye.

I just couldn't face you

after all that's happened.

The feelings that once seemed so right

became in an instant so wrong.

Though it pains me to say it,

we must never see each other again.

And though we must never

forget the love we shared,

we must, like noble creatures,

move on to another plane.

Valdine?

- Valdine!

- What? I'm busy.

Put lots of salt on that sandwich.

- You want a lot of salt?

- Yes.

- Here you are, honey. Nice and salty.

- Thank you.

Hey, Gilly.

How was your day at work?

I don't know. It was pretty slow.

Just snakes, mostly.

Well, dinner's almost ready.

I made that nice chicken thing you like.

- Hey, Dad.

- I thought you were gonna get a haircut.

Now, Walter, hush.

- Gilly's been through a lot.

- Includin' his own sister.

I'd better get it.

Hello?

Hi, honey. How are you?

How's Jack?

Good, good.

Oh, he's fine.

He's been through a lot,

but he's hanging in there.

I know you miss him. But guess what.

He's regained the use

of both of his arms now.

Both of 'em. You know,

they move every which way.

All right.

OK, well, what is it?

You're getting married?

Oh, Jo-Jo, that is so wonderful!

It's Jo-Jo. She and Jack are getting married!

Oh, my God. Isn't that wonderful?

Sweetheart, I am really,

really happy for you. I am.

OK, sure. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Bye-bye.

Yes! Yes!

Sweet Jesus!

The Wingfields have arrived!

I'm rich, I'm rich, uh-huh.

Talkin' to ya, mama! Oh, yeah! Come on!

- Pervert!

- Gilly, how's your sister?

Jo knew you'd understand why

she couldn't possibly invite you.

- I know.

- I think you should be happy for your sister.

Oh, hell. After what you put her through,

it's a wonder she didn't quit the sausage

and become a vaginatarian.

Oh, good God.

Gilly, listen. Things are

really looking up for her.

She's got a little beauty parlour up there

and a guy who's crazy about her

and, quite frankly,

a millionaire several times over.

Quit babying the boy, Valdine.

He banged his own sister, for Christ's sakes.

What do you want? To give him a medal?

Listen to me. This could be a whole new start

for us all, so I want you to keep your chin up.

Do you know what the Bible says

about f***in' your own sister?

- Don't!

- Hush up, droopy.

He's my baby, my precious gift from God.

I'll get it. I baked you some ginger snaps.

They're cooling on the stove.

- What do you want?

- Sorry to bother you, Mrs Wingfield.

- My name is Leon Pitofsky.

- Oh, my God.

- Did I come at a bad time?

- No.

It's just... you look remarkably like my dear

husband when he was a much younger man.

Well, that stands to reason, ma'am.

Look at this.

It's all there. Blood tests,

hospital records, DNA.

Look. Here's your signature,

givin' up your rights to me.

Oh, my Lord.

Then it's true.

You are my son.

I've finally found you, Mama!

Well, if he's your son,

then who the hell's this sack of sh*t?

I'll tell you who he is. He's a grifter.

He's a shyster that's been freeloading

in this house for a solid year!

- Oh, wait. Mom...

- I knew it!

Get outta my house, you goddamn hippie!

Hippie? Whoa, hold on.

Walter, get that impostor outta here.

- Dad, relax.

- Hey, buddy, you heard my mama.

Now get the hell out.

Get your hands off my daddy, you bastard!

- Walter! He's havin' another stroke.

- Dad, what's the problem?

Call 911. My God! You! You can get the...

Get the police! I'll have this grifter arrested!

- Police.

- Get an ambulance!

Oh, my God.

Oh, sh*t.

Hey! Mr Magoo!

You knocked my freakin' legs off, daddy.

Were you even lookin' at the road?

I'm sorry. I've never hit anyone before.

Well, I'm glad to be your first.

Hope I was gentle.

Now, be a friend and fetch

my getaway sticks, daddy.

- Your what? What do you...

- My legs, captain, my legs!

Oh, sh*t.

Less faeces, more fetchin'.

Get over here and get it, boy.

I gotta straighten this damn thing.

It's bent all to hell.

- Watch out, watch out.

- Watch out?

Boy, that is a hell of a thing

for you to say to me.

Well, in all fairness,

you were in the middle of the road.

How else was I supposed to flag you down?

I was a desperate man.

Another 20 minutes and them bloodthirsty

mosquitoes woulda sucked me dry.

- How long have you been out here?

- Oh, about two hours.

My airplane ran outta gas.

I had to land in a clearing.

- You're a pilot?

- You're goddamn right I'm a pilot.

My card, right there.

- "The Big Dig"?

- That's right.

Dig McCaffrey. I make a lotta coin

flyin' those gigs nobody else wants.

Take sportsmen out to the bush, fly banners

over supermarket openings, crop-dustin'.

I'll fly up your ass if the money's right.

Hey, that's pretty good. Do you think

I oughta put that on my card?

- So where am I takin' you?

- As close to Beaver as you can get.

And a man as sexy and fertile as me

likes to stay close to the beaver.

- That's a good one!

- That's right where I'm headed.

Say, you look like you're draggin' there,

chief. Why don't you let me drive?

- Oh, no, that's fine.

- I'm wired.

Nothin' like gettin' bounced off a bumper

to put a cat on full tilt.

So, where's your launch pad, Kerouac?

- My what?

- Where you from, baby? Where you from?

- I'm from Indiana.

- You remind me of a fella I knew

down in El Paso durin'

my import-export days.

Never been there.

So, who's the skirt?

- How did you know that I was...

- Dig knows many things, baby.

Plus you got that look of a man with

a diamond engagement ring on his pinkie.

Oh, yeah. About a year ago,

she was the love of my life.

Then I found out she was my sister.

Then, about three days ago...

Dig! Dig!

Just a little case of the white-line fever,

that's all, baby!

Dig just needs a little music.

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