Say It Isn't So Page #6

- We're all set. You ready?

- All right.

Let's go, Dig.

They can hug all the trees they want.

It's the government I worry about.

Soon it won't let us

wipe our ass without a permit.

Barkeep! Less talk and more vodka.

Yes, ma'am.

Gina?

- Get you a drink while I'm at it?

- Yeah, I'll have a nice, stiff one.

Jack, Jack, Jack.

You are in such good shape.

How do you stay so fit?

El Paso, I got somethin' here

that's gonna get their attention.

That's my man Wagner! That's good, huh?

We'll come in low out of the afternoon sun.

- Check it out, El Paso.

- Hi, Jo!

Check out my banner!

I love you! I've missed you!

- I'm the one, Jo!

- Oh, my God.

The banner! It says it all!

That Jack's no good for you, Jo! I'm the one!

Jo! I love you!

He really is crazy.

I knew that boy was trouble

the minute I laid eyes on him.

Bill, we've got a code nine in progress.

Mobilise all units.

- We done pretty good, huh, Gilly?

- Oh, yeah, Dig.

Holy sh*t! It's Beaver Five-O!

- What's goin' on, Dig?

- What's goin' on? Start eatin'!

Gilbert Noble, please step out of the airplane

with your hands behind your head.

Well, ship my ass to big red China!

They want the white boy.

What do they want with me?

I didn't do anything.

I don't know. See you, stranger.

All right, get your hands up!

- What's goin' on here?

- OK, boys, grab him!

Hey, take it easy!

What's goin' on?

- This isn't fair!

- Neither is stalkin' your sister, son.

All right, Bill. Straight to the nuthouse. Jack

Mitchelson has offered to pay for his therapy.

Good morning, gentlemen.

Today we're discussing why it is wrong

to have sex with someone related to you.

My wife was related to me. I had sex with her.

That's not the same thing, Mr Murphy.

Once a week we'd have sex, until she died.

Then it was three or four times a week.

We're quite familiar

with your case, Mr Murphy.

- Can we have pancakes tomorrow?

- We had pancakes yesterday, Mr Campisi.

Today I would like to talk

about how Mr Noble can overcome

his unnatural compulsions toward his sister.

He could kill her.

Mr Chin...

Can we have pancakes tomorrow?

Hi. I know you.

From before. You hit me with a lead pipe.

I didn't hit you.

- You callin' Jimmy a liar?

- Uh, yeah.

- I don't want any trouble now, OK?

- Hey.

You got any naked pictures of your sister?

Of course not.

Wanna buy some?

Ten bucks apiece.

- Where'd you get these?

- Jimmy brung them to me.

You know, to keep me company.

Not bad, huh?

He also brung me these 'ums.

Jo's panties. Used, too.

- Gimme those!

- Ten bucks apiece.

No way! These don't belong to you!

That's my future wife!

You owe me a lotta money for them nakeds.

All right, here's ten dollars.

That's all I have. Now leave me alone.

Pancakes! Pancakes! Pancakes!

Gilly!

Gilly!

Oh. Is that you?

Don't worry, buddy. The cavalry's here.

Come on. It's time for you

to make your break.

There we go.

Dig, what are you doin' here?

I told ya, a Cherokee always repays his debt.

- I thought you were one-eighth Chippewa.

- Right, and one-eighth Cherokee.

Dig's a complex cat, baby.

Hey, are you the pancake guy?

- What's he doin' here?

- I went to the wrong room.

Come on, let's get you outta here.

How does it feel to be off the rock, baby?

You are out! You are free!

Feels great, Dig! Thanks a lot!

Listen. I woulda sprung ya sooner,

but after I ate all that weed, it took me

two days just to pass the stems!

Leon?

Holy sh*t! Dig, follow that car!

There he is. Pull over. Pull over!

Ah, yes. The Eager Beaver.

They used to shoot porno pictures there.

Did a screen test once. Never heard anything.

That is Leon. That's him, Dig.

That's Jo's real brother.

He's my proof. Now all's I gotta do

is get her down here and show her.

Well, hell's bells. You better scoot.

Accordin' to the paper,

that wedding's in less than three hours.

- Here, take my pony.

- No, Dig. I couldn't do that.

Take it. Possessions mean nothin'

to the Navajo. You go and get your woman.

I'll make sure whiffle balls

stays where he is.

And you get your ass off there, Campisi.

Quickly! Today, son!

OK, Dig, thanks a lot.

I'll be back as soon as I can.

Good journey.

All right, Campisi. We got an assignment.

God, what the hell is this?

All right. Come on. Move along.

Move 'em out, little dogies. Let's go!

Come on! Get outta the way!

All right, now that's it!

I'm tired of bein' nice.

Now get off the road!

Get your smelly ass off the road!

I said get your butt...

Come on!

OK, come on, just relax.

Hold on.

- Just where you think you goin', Leon?

- Who the hell are you?

I'm your warden till my friend Gilly gets back.

- Gilly?

- That's right. I said it.

Don't you... I'm warnin' ya.

Son of a b*tch!

Get away from...

Goddammit!

Those are my legs! Thief!

Looky there! Cowpuncher!

Check the prostate while you're there!

Hey, you're turnin' the herd on!

What happened? Your sister turn you down?

What? No!

That cow forgot to wipe its ass!

Come on. Giddy-up! Giddy-up!

Hey, pervert!

Why don't you buy her dinner first?

That's pretty funny.

Why don't you get on with your life?

- It's a puppet show!

- Grab her tits!

Gilly, what are you doing?

Nothin'. What are you doin'?

- I thought you were gettin' married.

- I am, in an hour.

Zahf was just doing my make-up.

You're supposed to be

at the hospital, getting better.

Jo, listen. I got great news.

I... I found Leon.

I found Leon, and I got him dead to rights.

That's great, Gilly. Why don't you

pull your arm out of Leon's butt

and we'll take a drive to the hospital?

No, Jo, this isn't Leon.

This is just some cow that...

I got my hand... stuck in.

Jo, Leon's at the Eager Beaver.

If you come with me, I will prove it to you.

Gilly, stop it, please! You can't

do this any more. You have issues.

- But, Jo...

- Gilly...

Remember when you first took me

up to the roof of the animal shelter?

And you told me how important it was

for you to have a family?

- Of course.

- Well, it's important to me too.

And that's why Jack and I have decided

to have a family of our own.

- Yeah. But, Jo, listen.

- Gilly, leave me to have my family.

Are those my missing underwear?

Jo, I can explain these.

I didn't steal them. I bought 'em off the same

scumbag who sold me naked pictures of you.

Oh, Jo...

In my country, for violating a sacred beast,

you get beaten to death with bamboo sticks!

You are so sick mentally! Prevert!

Oh, my God. The ring!

Man! That was one evil trip.

Well, this is it, Daddy.

The day every girl dreams about.

You'll like living up here.

You'll have the best medical care

and Mama won't have to work so hard.

Is this what you want?

What do you mean?

I mean...

are you happy?

Why wouldn't I be happy? I mean,

this is a great thing, for all of us.

Show time, Mr Wingfield.

- Hey, pervert.

- Hey, Streak.

- What are you doin'?

- Ain't no mental home that'll hold Streak.

- Wait a minute. That's my truck.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes