Scrooged

---

It's my special recipe.

We're not gonna make it.

You realise how late we... Oh.

I told you, you're gonna break those.

Oh, wow. Wait. Santa Claus,

come quick. Look.

Incoming.

Take cover.

Let's get 'em.

Come on, over here. Hurry up. Hurry.

It's Lee Majors.

The Six Million Dollar Man.

Is there a back exit?

- Of course.

But this Santa's going out the front.

I don't matter, but the world

can't afford to lose you. Stay put.

That's very nice of you, Lee.

And Lee, you've been

a real good boy this year.

Yes, you sure have.

Seven o'clock.

Psychos seize Santa's Workshop.

Eat this.

Only Lee Majors can stop them.

8:
30, and America's best-loved singer...

...invites you to share a home-style holiday.

Ring-a-ling...

Nine o'clock, lBC presents

America's favourite family...

...in a special Christmas episode.

Hi, Mom, isn't Dad home yet?

Well, Wally,

I expect he's out chasing beaver.

Show me the 'Scrooge' promo.

It was a cold, bleak, Christmas...

...10 o'clock, lBC present live,

via satellite from New York,

Bethlehem, Helsinki, West Berlin

and the Great Barrier Reef,

Charles Dickens'

immortal Christmas classic.

starring Buddy Hackett,

Jamie Farr, the Solid Gold Dancers...

...and Mary-Lou Retton as Tiny Tim.

Hosted by Sir John Houseman...

- Bah. Humbug.

It will touch every heartstring.

It all starts on Christmas Eve -

Christmas Eve on lBC.

Oh, my gosh... Does THAT suck?.

Y-you know who loves

Mary-Lou Retton, Frank? My kids.

Yeah.

- Children love an acrobat.

Oh...

We have spent 40 million

on a live TV show,

you guys have got an ad with

America's favourite old fart...

...reading a book in front of a fireplace.

Now...I have to kill all of you.

Mother, help me.

Excuse me, sir, uh...

...but we've been running

that spot now for over a month and...

...well, it's getting a hell of a response.

I am the youngest president...

...in the history of television...

...for a reason.

I know the people.

Well, uh, granted, but the people

already wanna watch the show.

That isn't good enough.

They have got to be so scared

to miss it, so terrified.

Now, if I were in charge,

and I AM...

Perhaps I can help you.

Here's what I'd do. Grace, cue it up.

Acid rain.

Drug addiction.

International terrorism.

Freeway killers.

Now, more than ever...

.....we must remember

the true meaning of Christmas.

Don't miss Charles Dickens'

immortal classic, 'Scrooge',

Your life might just depend on it.

Not bad, huh?

I think they'll like it in the heartlands.

I want it every hour on the hour.

I'll take care of it.

Get me Standards and Practices,

I wanna see Reece.

Excuse me, sir.

- Yes...?

Mr Cross, what exactly does that ad

have to do with 'Scrooge'?

Nothing. Why?

You can't show that commercial.

If you run that...

...you're gonna frighten people.

You think I'm off base?

- Yes.

Well...a tad, sir.

Um, that looked like

the Manson Family Christmas Special.

Well, it's a little late

for this kind of feedback.

That's because it's the first time

I've seen it, sir.

You're right, l...sprung it on you.

It's not that bad, just lose, like,

you know, the gun and the blood...

All right...

- And the guy shooting up...

I'll tell you in five minutes.

Thank you, sir.

- Thank YOU.

You know,

I think we're a little bit alike.

Sir? Merry Christmas.

Thanks for the talk.

- Thank you.

We don't wanna scare

the Dickens out of people.

The 'Dickens' out of people.

Nobody gets me.

Grace, who is that guy?

Eliot, Loudermilk.

- OK.

Have security clear his desk

and toss him out.

Oh, he's fired?

But it's Christmas.

- Thank you.

Call Accounting, stop his bonus.

A clear shot at his back.

- Eliot Loudermilk...

Code Nine.

Grace, what in the hell is this?

That's a painting one of my kids did.

There's Santa Claus and Mrs Claus.

How many fingers does Mrs Claus have?

- 1 1.

Right, it's crap,

I don't want it here.

She'll understand, she's an amazingly

understanding woman.

I'll just say, 'Hi, honey, we have

to move to a studio apartment.'

Mr Cross, it's time for your Christmas list.

OK, let's get this over with.

Sammy Goldberg.

- Bath towel.

Lou Parker

- VHS home video recorder.

Colonel Tom Parker.

The bath towel.

Tamara Forristal.

- VHS.

It's great taking a bus to work,

you know?

Oh, hi, fellas.

Thanks a lot. Merry Christmas.

Babalu Towloudes.

- The bath towel.

Eliot Loudermilk's leaving early today.

Get outta here.

Dah. Four minutes and 40 seconds.

Glenn Glenn Whitacre.

What was the last rating on 'Police Zoo'?

5.2 Nielsen and a 70 share.

Towel.

- Your brother?

Towel.

- Your only brother.

Oh, God, give it to me.

Get that.

Towel, towel...

- Mr Cross's office.

Towel...

- Thank you.

Most of these are towels, OK?

Mr Rhinelander's on his way down.

Booze.

Pardon me.

Oh, excuse me.

Grace?

Get yourself a towel.

- And my bonus?

Towel and a face cloth.

- Oh, shi...

Frank?

- Hey, Pres.

What a surprise.

- Grace.

You look great.

Have you been working out?

Preston, just looking at some

of this ink we're getting on Scrooge.

You believe the first director

didn't want her? He does now.

Did you catch Tiny Tim?

She doesn't throw away the crutches.

She throws away the crutches,

vaults a lamp-post...

...and double somersaults into this.

- Frank.

Killer. Yes, Preston?

Do you know how many cats

there are in this country?

N-N...no, mmm...I don't have...no.

27 million. D'you know how many dogs?

In America?

- 48 million.

We spend 4 billion on pet food alone.

Four...?.

I have a study

which shows that cats and dogs...

...are beginning to watch television.

If these scientists are right, we

should start programming right now.

Within 20 years,

they could become steady viewers.

Programming...for cats?

Walk with me, Frank.

Call the police.

I'm not saying

build a whole show around animals.

All I'm suggesting is we occasionally

throw in a little pet appeal.

Some birds, a squirrel...

- Mice.

Mice, exactly.

You remember Kojak and the lollipops?

What about a cop that dangles string,

that's his gimmick.

Lots of quick random action.

Frank, wasn't there

a dormouse in 'Scrooge'?

No, but I always felt

that it needed a dormouse.

Dormice, better.

- Bingo.

Frank, this show is the jewel

in the lBC crown.

Everything is riding on it.

Don't worry, I'm overseeing

every aspect of production.

We'll own Christmas.

- That's what I want to hear.

Lunch tomorrow?

- Right.

Up, Sid. Study this.

Oh, thank you.

God...

If only I could fire that poor sonofabitch.

.. going down. Hey, Frank. Hold that

door, will you, Pops? Wait for me.

Brice Cummings, we met at Spago.

Have you seen Preston?

Uh, Preston just went back upstairs.

I went to school with his son.

Give me a call, OK?

Let's go. So, anyway, Coselle says...

Come here. Slam these doors - hard.

Grace, I need a full report

on a guy named Brice Cummings.

He's an LA slimeball.

OK, you're due at Helmsley Palace

at seven and I'm leaving.

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