She's Funny That Way Page #7

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This is Cece, my P.R. Lady.

Miss Simmons, would you consider

doing a commercial for us?

And of course you can

direct it, Mr. Simmons.

It's Albertson.

Thank you.

Well, I guess I blew

that one. I guess you did.

Thank you, but I don't

really do commercials.

Not my thing.

Did you want to find

some large clothes?

I said less tight...

Yeah, but no, the relaxed or the

more looser fitting are over here.

Nice to meet you.

We'll see you, Seth.

See you later, guys.

My God.

-What's the rush?

-This stuff doesn't look good,

and it's too expensive.

Let's go some place nice.

Like, like Chanel or Prada.

That's bargain basement.

I feel like I'm claustrophobic,

I can hardly breathe in here...

-Look! I love tweed.

-Freaking me out...

I'm going to try this on.

Okay, here, come on, I'll help you.

I love tweed, too.

Arnold, I don't need your help.

Are you sure?

Here, let me watch.

At home, maybe you can

watch me take it off.

Take it easy, cowboy.

I know, but I'm a

good judge of you in tweed.

I know, but sometimes

it's like...

Squirrels to the nuts!

Are you okay?

I cannot believe I'm

running into you, Derek!

No, I'm not going to be quiet.

It's Margie,

remember? From Chicago!

I've looked everywhere for you.

You don't understand,

you've changed my life.

I went to fashion school and

I'm the executive buyer here...

-Besides that...

-Shut up...

You gave me the single best night

I've ever had!

In bed and out.

And it's all because of you

and the Squirrels To The Nuts!

Please keep your voice down!

Okay, see you later, guys.

My God, Seth Gilbert!

So, you guys friends, Arnold?

Where are you going

with this, Seth?

Now you two behave

yourselves, okay?

Is there anything else you need?

"Squirrels To The Nuts,"

you weasily,

no good son of a b*tch!

Don't you ever,

ever speak to me again!

Delta, no!

Delta...

Seth, wait!

I got the license plate!

Easy to trace.

No, no, don't worry. I'll take

care of it. I'll pay for everything.

She's my wife,

she was just in a hurry.

Yes, she's a little late for a meeting

and she's a little scattered-brained.

Just absent-minded.

Brad, it's okay. I know him.

He's good for it. Believe me.

Okay, okay.

Tell your wife to be

more careful, Bub.

I will... More careful.

Look, Derek... Arnold...

Whatever your name is.

I know I was speaking too loud.

I was just so excited to see you.

-It's okay...

-Cash, check or charge?

So what is that girl,

a hooker?

Like the one you came

to Nick's with?

Could be.

Call girl.

Escort.

What's the difference? They all

escort you in and out of their pants.

Men!

Yeah, you're right.

We're only good for one thing.

So how about some?

-I'm considering it!

-I still remember London, Delta.

I haven't felt that way since.

Come on, Seth.

You know we were both too far down

other roads for us to get serious.

You were. I would've switched

direction in a second.

I know. You've switched

a bunch of since then.

-It was different with you.

-Come on...

I'm still ready, del.

This is it, Mr. Gilbert.

-What are you promoting this time?

-My new cologne.

Don't tell me what it's called.

They came up with a

pretty good name, actually.

"Seth's Seduction."

Great...

Mr. Gilbert, it is so wonderful

to have you here!

Everybody's been dying

to meet you in the flesh.

-I beg your pardon?

-He's teasing you.

-Delta, keep up! Keep up!

-I'm trying.

Excuse me.

Can we have your autograph?

We waited four hours in line,

it'll only take you a second.

I'm trying to get to you.

I'm behind here.

Okay, lady, the jig's up.

What are you...

Wait! Seth! Seth!

Well, she ain't a pro.

What, you came back for more?

The suit wasn't enough?

No, I didn't steal

this from here.

-Where did you steal it from?

-No, I didn't steal it at all.

I got into an argument

with my husband at Barney's

and I walked out by accident.

You should call them.

His name is Arnold Albertson,

I'm sure he's paid for it by now.

Could you please put me down?

All right, lady, I'll put

you down. You're an idiot.

We hear a lot of stories,

but this one tops them all.

"I had an argument with

my husband at Barney's

so I came over to Macy's

to steal another suit."

No, you don't understand.

I didn't steal this at all!

Yes. Hello?

What? Who?

The police? What are

you talking about?

What, are you crazy? Yes,

put her on the phone, please!

Arnold? You better get me

the hell out of here

and over to my

parents' apartment!

And I better get there

within the next 20 minutes!

And you better make damn sure

that you're out of the apartment

before I get there!

And what I suggest you do is

get yourself a hotel room, buddy,

and order another call girl!

Squirrels to the f***ing nuts!

The unicorn, you see, was

a kind of symbol of women.

And this comes from a period when

women were treated like Chattel.

Like Cattle?

No, Chattel.

It basically means they were

whatever men wanted them to be.

You mean, like now a lot?

Yeah, I guess.

Part of that's why

I wrote the play.

You know, in really ancient times,

the prostitute was a sacred profession.

When was this?

Well, before spirituality and

sexuality were split apart.

They really shouldn't be.

Yeah.

You're a real romantic

guy, aren't you?

I guess Josh saw

something in me.

And it wasn't really

like Arnold.

You know, with Arnold, the money

was as much for him as it was for me.

But with Josh, I think he was the

first person who ever believed in me.

So, of course, cue

somebody from my past

who's going to show up and

ruin the whole damn picture.

Why are you breaking my heart?

Don't you understand

you're breaking my heart,

Izzy... Glo...

Whatever your name is.

-Judges have feelings, too.

-Mister!

I don't think we're in exactly the

best place to have this conversation.

So I suggest you turn around and

go right back where you came from.

And I suggest that

you shut your trap!

I am talking to the lady...

The lady of the night over

here who broke my heart.

I call Vickie's escort

service and the next day...

-Josh, what are you doing?

-Dad?

He's an old man.

-Yeah, a dirty old man!

-That is irrelevant.

Okay, okay.

Dirty sometimes, but not old!

For God's sake, Joshua, do you realize

what you're getting yourself into?

This lady had a night

with your director!

A perfectly romantic one,

I should say.

Isabella! Wait!

Isabella!

It must have been really hard for

you, Josh finding out like that.

Double team him now, he's got

three seconds to get out of...

Where ya been honey? The phone's

been ringing off the hook for you!

All day long!

That's too many calls!

-That Joshua... Sandy and Alfred...

-Again.

What now?

A Derek.

Hello?

Izzy, it's Arnold. I need

to see you right away.

Can you come over to the

barclay, same room. 1369.

I'll explain everything.

Just meet me here.

I don't know if I can do that.

What do you mean you don't

know if you can do that?

We gotta rehearse!

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