She's Out of My League Page #6

I love, love, to experiment,

and I get really generous.

I can be very, very generous.

I am quite the charitable lover.

I got... Can we stop for two secs?

No.

- Honey, you there?

- Dad?

"Dad?!" What the...? Oh, dear God!

Are you in?

- Hey!

- Hi...

- Hey.

- Hey, baby.

- Sh*t.

- Told you we should call ahead.

We decided to come back early.

Thought we'd come by,

take the Captain off your hands.

Hope we aren't interrupting.

- Who's your little friend?

- Oh, God!

- Well, this is Kirk.

- Gerald McCleish. It's a pleasure.

Yeah.

- Nope. Nope.

- No?

I don't... God, where are my manners?

You guys must be exhausted from

your travels. Please, hey, have a seat.

Put your... Put your feet up.

Really get into a groove.

- Thank you.

- Sure.

- That's kind of you.

- I think I have that same sweater.

Really?

So... that's...

Uh, no. Oh, Lord.

Oh, no, Captain Pickles.

No. No, Captain.

Pickles!

- Kirk?

- Excuse me.

Thank you for having me.

This has been a lovely evening.

Good night.

Awesome.

Devon, l'll give you 50 dollars

just to curse once.

- Seventy-five. Just say "f***."

- I won't, I won't say it out loud.

- I'll write it.

- That doesn't count!

- You're gonna what?

- I'll write it down.

That doesn't count!

You have to say it out loud.

- Why doesn't it count?

- Say "sh*t." I'll give you 1 00.

- Hey.

- Hey, Kirk.

My shift doesn't start

for another half hour,

but I was so excited, so I came early.

Yeah, and it was weird. He said he was

really excited and so he came early.

Yeah. That ever happened to you?

You're so excited about something

that you come early.

Jesus Christ, you're Fort Knox

over here. Thank you very much.

I didn't mean to tell 'em, Kirky.

I'm sorry.

Come on, he couldn't help it.

It just, you know, slipped out.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Thank you.

Thank you very much.

And go f*** yourselves.

- Hey, guys.

- Oh, sh*t.

Kirk, can I talk to you for a second?

- In private.

- There are no secrets here, Marnie.

OK. Well,

I think I made a little mistake,

and I see a change in you,

and I really like it,

so let's get back together!

Just to try it out. You know?

That's really interesting.

No, I don't think so.

But you broke up with Molly.

- She cornered me.

- Jesus, Devon!

Look, Marnie, I moved on

like you kept telling me to.

You're here because some

other girl has shown interest.

That's not it! Look, Kirk,

I am really worried about you with her.

She seems like kind of a b*tch.

So I'm just saying that

if you want to get back together,

- like you begged me before...

- Shh...

...I am even willing to consider

breaking up with Ron.

- What? You're still with Ron.

- The pirate?

Yeah. I'm not gonna risk

being all alone just 'cause

Kirk doesn't know what's good for him.

Look, Kirky. Deep down you know it is

never gonna work out with you and Molly.

And I just can't stand

to see you get hurt.

So if that makes me

the bad guy... so be it.

It's embarrassing.

Jesus Christ.

Hey.

Did you just come in your pants again?

You can tell us.

We're your friends. Did you?

Hey, why would you tell her

I broke up with Molly?

'Cause I thought you had.

- No. We're just in a sticky wicket.

- A "sticky wicket?"

Yeah, a rough patch. Rough pumpkins.

- How many times have you called her?

- Five.

How many times have you

really called her?

- Seventeen.

- It's done, man. Tao of Love.

- What?

- That's what I call it.

The Tao of Love. You being with Molly

defies, like, forces of nature.

- It's over, man.

- No. It's not over.

Frankly, I'm kinda sick

of you guys pretending

like you know where I'm comin' from.

None of you know what I'm goin' through.

- Tina Jordan does.

- Who the hell is Tina Jordan?

- She was my Molly.

- You never mentioned her.

I didn't want to jinx it.

But she was perfect.

Yeah, perfect.

Freckled shoulders.

Anyway, two months into it,

bam, she dumps me.

I shoulda seen it coming, too,

'cause she was a ten. Like a hard ten.

And I was a six, possibly a seven.

Either way, I couldn't cover the spread.

The universe spoke.

And I was depressed for months.

That's what that was?

You said you had mono.

- Yeah. Mono of the heart.

- Oh, my God. How's your vagina?

Shut up, Jack!

Dude, forget Stainer. All right?

I think you could get her back.

Why don't you look Kirk in the eyes

and tell him you believe

he's gonna end up with Molly.

- Just tell him that.

- Fine.

Kirky, I truly believe that...

I mean, I think anything's possible.

- "Anything is possible?!"

- Come on!

Like, there's a million

examples of guys like Kirky

- endin' up with beautiful women.

- Such as?

- Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts.

- Right.

Richie Sambora and Heather Locklear.

Then he went on to Denise Richards.

Yeah. All recording artists.

Normal rules don't apply to those guys.

Kirk, as soon as you

record an album and it goes platinum,

you can push your meat into

any human being you want.

OK, OK. OK.

King Kong and Naomi Watts.

Never consummated.

Totally platonic relationship.

- Stephen Hawking and his lady nurse.

- He's the master of space and time!

- He knows about black holes and sh*t.

- What about the President of France

and that girl that

went out with Mick Jagger?

He knows about wine.

And has a French accent.

Can probably French kiss

like a motherf***er!

- Oh, OK, OK...

- Wait a second. The Beast.

- Who?

- The Beast! From Beauty and the Beast?

Beast won Beauty's love, and he wasn't

rich and he wasn't a recording artist.

- Though he did have an amazing voice.

- OK, Devon, that's a cartoon.

But, yes, that's one.

One out of a million.

You know what, Stainer?

All it takes is one.

Man, you... You guys just sit here

and talk about relationships,

but the truth is,

I'm the only one here that's married.

I'm tired of you guys bustin' my nuggets

'cause I've only been with one girl.

It's 'cause she was the right girl!

That's why I married her!

So, Kirky, let me tell you somethin'.

If Molly's the right girl,

that's all that matters.

You just you stand up.

You stand up, you get in front of her.

You get right in her grill and you say,

"Hey, I am Kirk Kettner

and I am right here,

standin' in front of you...

...right here. Here I am."

- Somethin' like that.

- The power of love.

- Beautiful.

- Moving.

Very... Perfect.

Thank you.

I was in debate, junior/senior year.

I don't know if you guys remember that.

Look at that.

Oh, there she is.

Listen to me, dude. Gotta go,

loud and proud, gotta tell her,

- "Hey, I jizzed in my shorts" you know?

- All right...

No! "That's what I do. OK?

It's how I roll. Deal with it."

You know, I know I don't know...

I don't know much about this, but

that can't be good advice, I'm sorry.

- Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.

- You have nothing to be embarrassed of.

If anything, you paid her

a compliment. Right?

- Yeah.

- Trust it.

Here goes nothin'.

Oh, sh*t, Molly. Six o'clock.

- Hey, Molly.

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