She's Out of My League Page #7

- Hey.

- Did you get my messages?

- Yeah, yeah, I got them, Kirk.

What the hell happened the other night?

You act like a freak

with Captain Pickles,

you won't get off the couch

to shake my father's hand

when we had a whole conversation

about how he was old-fashioned!

Yeah, I know. I know. I'm sorry.

I spent a whole day

with your entire family,

and you can't even spend

30 seconds with mine.

- I mean, that's a pretty big red flag.

- It is not a red flag, Molly.

Oh, Kirk, I can't do this here.

- I'm working, and...

- OK. Sorry.

I ejaculated in my pants.

We were getting sort of

hot and nasty, you know...

It's not every day

that I have a super-hot girl

grinding on top of me,

and I got a little too excited and,

before I know it, your parents

are in the room and I'm there

with just a big friggin'

oyster in my shorts.

Right. Sorry. Sorry.

I mean, I'll say this for him.

He's honest.

So thanks for the advice.

That went horribly.

Enjoy the air show, boys.

I'm going to go...

No guy in his right mind

would ever make that up.

Right?

You should probably go talk to him.

- Yeah.

- Just wait one second.

And... here she comes.

- Kirk!

- Yes!

Yeah.

She told him a joke or somethin'.

Something's funny.

They're ki... They're gonna ki...

They're kissing! Yes!

- You're like Yoda.

- Yeah, I know.

Like Sex Yoda.

"The Force is strong with you, Jack."

Trust the system.

It takes care of itself.

- Ah, that went well.

- Kinda.

Wow. She sure is somethin', isn't she?

- It's Kirk, right?

- Oh, God. Hi, Cam.

Excellent to see you again, sir.

Listen, Kirk.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah, I guess so. See ya.

Listen, Kirk. I understand

that fellas, such as yourself,

have uniquely candid relationships

with the women that they befriend,

- am I right?

- Fellas such as myself?

Don't get me wrong.

I have no problem with your lifestyle.

What two or more grown men do

in the privacy of their own home,

hell, it's of no concern to me.

I don't know what Molly's

told you about me, all right?

If she said anything bad,

let's face it, I probably deserve it.

- Actually, Cam, we haven't...

- God as my witness, I'll get her back.

Cool.

Can I count on you to put in

a good word for me, Elton John?

- Yeah, whatever gets this over with.

- You're the man, Kirk. Bring it in.

- Yeah, yeah, you got it.

- You feel that tolerance?

- Man, you gays smell good.

- That's good.

This is awesome!

Does anybody have a camera?

- Stainer.

- What?

Wait a minute, dude.

Does that, does that say...?

Yep, I think it does.

- Jesus, man. Goddamn it.

- Did you guys get a picture?

By the way, Kirk,

you can do better than these guys.

I mean, this one is kinda cute,

but the other two... Oof!

Show some pride, pal.

Pittsburgh tower. Foot Long, you are

cleared for takeoff on runway two-zero.

Roger that, tower. Turn and burn.

Honestly, I'd have sex with that guy.

Yeah, I would.

- F***! You're lucky!

- Yeah!

So how's your sister doin'?

She turns 21 next week

and she's, I don't know,

she still has no sense of direction.

You know? She's coming over for dinner,

and I really want to give her advice,

but I don't know

what to say to her, you know?

So what do you...

You don't know what to say to her?

She's only 20. She's not 30.

And she's not you.

You know? When I was 20,

I did not have my act together, man.

I mean, look at this kid now.

I'm in TSA. I am livin' the dream.

You're right.

Maybe I am being too hard on her.

And, I'm sorry, but she's

comin' over for dinner?

She's turning 21 !

You gotta throw her a party.

I mean, that's what you do for

a living, right? You throw parties?

I can't believe I never thought of that.

- That's a really good idea.

- Thanks.

lt's been ten dates and you can't

seal the deal? What's wrong with you?

Listen to me. Things with Molly

are good, right? They're back on track.

You have gotta recover from your little

oopsie-daisy, little early-bird special.

Gotta get back in that ring.

It's just terrifying, frankly,

the idea of me naked

- in front of her... also naked.

- But what's to be terrified of?

Because you've done

your prep work, right?

Yeah... I think she likes me.

- She really likes you.

- Thank you.

That's cute. Yeah, good. But it's

not at all what I'm talking about.

A girl like Molly, hot as sh*t,

manicured from f***in' head to toe.

- Yeah.

- Right?

- What the hell are you talking about?

- Listen, I'm talkin' about this.

- I'm talkin' about this.

- Your chin.

- Yeah.

- And I'm talkin' about this.

- Oh, jeez!

- No, no, no, no, no, no.

- Look, guys!

- Jack!

This is fine.

'Cause this is clean. It's organized.

It's kind of

Japanese-looking, to be honest.

Whatever you do,

don't look directly at it.

I'll bet you Cam's balls

look like this. It's like a baby.

It's just smooth. It's a look that says,

"Hey, you can put your mouth here."

- He is... He just moved.

- It's just a thought.

Just tryin' to help, that's all.

All right, Stainer,

let's get outta here.

- Yeah, I'm hungry. I gotta go eat.

- Hey, Kirky. Prep work.

You hear me? Out.

God.

OK.

Here goes nothin'.

Shoot! Kirky! Kirky!

We shoulda done a hot towel.

You know, like those

old-timey barbershops?

- Helps raise the hairs.

- I don't like this!

Kirk, if you want to abort the mission,

that's completely cool.

I don't... I can't really

abort the mission right now.

I've shaved approximately

one-third of my balls.

I'll look pretty f***in' stupid

if I stop now!

Did you shave one ball

and then the other ball,

- or are you workin' top to bottom?

- Shut up, shut up!

You shut up. I mean, seriously,

just shave it like your face!

I can't do it like my face!

My face doesn't have

two testicles sticking out of it!

If it did, I would grow

a pretty thick goddamn beard.

Kirk.

Kirk?

- Do you need a hand?

- Oh, motherf...!

There we go.

So how is this not gay?

I think there's nothing gay about it.

The fact that you're lettin' a straight

married man shave your testicles...

I think that makes you

one of the most macho guys alive.

There is some logic in that.

Thank you. You know what?

Can you pick that up?

Can you pick 'em up for me?

There it is.

That's a lot. OK, drop 'em.

Voil!

Take a look!

What do you think?

Devon!

It looks f***ing huge!

My friends wonder why

l call you all the time

What can I say?

Yeah, yeah

Well, I don't feel the need

to give such secrets away

Well, you think maybe l need help

Though l know l'm right, all right

I'm just better off

Not listening to friends advice

When they insist on knowing my bliss

I tell them this

When they want to know

what the reason is

l only smile when l lie

Then l tell them why

Because your kiss

Your kiss is on my list

Because your kiss

Your kiss I can't resist

Because your kiss is on my list

Of the best things in life

Because your kiss

All right, everybody, give it up

one more time for Adult Education!

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