She's the Man

She shoots, she scores! Goal!

- What? That's right! Give it!

- Nice kick.

- Very nice kick.

- Give me the ball!

Justin!

- Drop... Put me down!

- OK. Down like...

Oh, sorry.

- Goodness.

- Hey!

Hi.

- OK, you are really getting good.

- You too.

I mean, when we first started going out,

you couldn't kiss at all.

- I meant at soccer.

- Really?

Absolutely. You're...

...probably already better

than half the guys on my team.

Probably more than half.

What do you mean,

I couldn't kiss at all?

Don't worry. I've taught you well.

I know.

OK, but seriously, don't you think

you'd get more playing time

at a school like Michigan?

Maybe, but it's always been

about being a Tar Heel for me.

I'm gonna wear that Carolina blue.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, baby!

OK, what is the lacrosse team

doing on our field?

- The school cut our team.

- Wait, what?

- Not enough girls signed up.

- So they just cut us?

They can't do that.

OK. This is not over.

Hi, girls. I heard the bad news.

"Bad"? It's a disaster.

Now college scouts

won't even get to see us play.

I know. If there's anything I can do,

just say the word.

Matter of fact, there is.

We wanna try out for the boys team.

Anything besides that.

Coach, come on!

You know that we're good enough.

I don't know that

that's a thing that I know.

What?

All we're asking for is one shot.

- Yeah.

- Girls,

we have two weeks before school starts.

Then we open against Illyria.

A rivalry game. We have to win.

And we can help you win.

- Hey, baby.

- Hey.

What's going on, coach?

The girls here want

to try out for the team.

- You're not serious.

- All right, all right!

You're all excellent players.

- But girls aren't as fast as boys.

- Right.

- What?

- Or as strong. Or as athletic.

This is not me talking.

It's a scientific fact.

Girls can't beat boys.

It's as simple as that.

OK. Justin, you're the team captain.

What do you think about it?

I think the coach said it all.

Yesterday you told me that I was better

than half the guys on your team.

What?

I never said that.

What are you talking about?

Why are you lying?!

Viola! End of discussion.

Yeah, tell her, man.

Fine. End of relationship.

- Come on, let's go.

- Baby, don't be like that. I...

I just don't want to see you get hurt.

You are so full of...

Back to practice.

Sebastian.

Sebastian?!

Sebastian! Jeez!

It's you.

God, you and your brother

look scary alike from the back.

I think it's your total lack of curves.

Hi, Monique.

It's so good to see you too.

I'm looking for Sebastian. Where is he?

I don't know.

Just remind your brother

how lucky he is to be in my life.

And tell him to give me a call

if he wants to stay in it. OK?

OK. Does he have your number?

1-800-BEYOTCH?

She will do great things.

I have a surprise for you!

And this is why

I don't bring friends over.

Mom, not now.

I had a really bad day, so...

This is just the thing

to just perk you up.

- Hold on.

- OK.

Keep your eyes closed.

- Eyes closed, closed, closed, closed.

- They're closed.

All right. Surprise!

Beautiful gowns

for my darling debutante.

Mom, have I not

told you a thousand times?

I have no interest in being a debutante.

It's totally archaic.

How could I wind up with a daughter

who only wants to kick

a muddy ball around a field all day?

Well, the world has been set right, Mom.

They cut my team.

- What? No soccer?

- Yeah, that's right. No soccer.

- How sad.

- Yeah, I can see you're all torn up.

Well, Justin's gonna love you in this.

Yet another reason not to wear it.

I dumped him.

- What? Why?

- I don't wanna talk about it.

He's so handsome and rugged

and chiseled and great.

Then why don't you date him, Mom?

No, I couldn't.

- Hey, Sebastian.

- Hey.

You OK?

Monique was looking for you.

Why do you even date her, anyway?

She's hot. It's a guy thing.

But she's so awful.

Hey, you know,

you could use the front door.

And Mom can't see me.

She thinks I'm staying at Dad's.

Dad thinks I'm at Mom's.

In two days they both think

I'm going away to school.

- That is the beauty of divorce.

- Where are you going?

London for a couple of weeks.

As in London, England?

Yeah, my band got a slot

in a music festival there.

OK, what are you gonna do about school?

Yeah, I was kind of hoping

you could help me with that.

Could you just, like, pretend to be Mom,

call Illyria, tell them I'm sick?

Something that sounds like it

would last for two weeks, like mad cow.

Sebastian, you just got kicked out

of Cornwall for skipping.

This is not exactly the way

you want to start out.

I want to be a musician.

Last time I heard,

they don't need to know trigonometry.

Besides,

if you want to chase your dreams,

sometimes you gotta

break the rules, right?

You know the percentage of bands

that make it to the big time?

Probably the same

as female soccer players.

I will see you in two weeks.

Sebastian.

- Sebastian!

- Were you talking with your brother?

No. Yes.

On the phone. He's at Dad's. Bye, Dad.

Picture this:

We're at the country club,

they call your name,

and you emerge in this.

No. Sorry, Mom.

I have a strict no-ruffles policy.

Sometimes I just think you

just might as well be your brother.

You know what?

If you can't join them, beat them.

You want me

to turn you into your brother?

That's right.

I'm going to Illyria as Sebastian.

I'll make the boys soccer team, and in

12 days beat the Cornwall boys team.

You've taken too many

soccer balls to the head.

You know I can do it, Paul.

Except for the voice, mannerisms,

the breasts, the mentality and...

It doesn't matter. Nobody at Illyria

has even met Sebastian.

- They won't know the difference.

- They'll know he's a girl.

- Oh, come on, Paul.

- Yeah, come on, Paul.

Yeah, come on, Paul.

OK. OK. I'll see what I can do.

Yes!

Where are you going?

Mom, I told you!

I'm going to Dad's house for two weeks.

No, you didn't. And you're not going.

We've hardly spent

any time together this summer.

Now go upstairs and unpack.

OK, Mom, I thought about what you said.

And you know Monique is gonna

be there 24l7 with Sebastian,

so, I don't know, I was just thinking

that maybe she'd show me the ropes

on the whole debutante thing.

- This is so exciting!

- Isn't it?!

You're gonna have so much fun.

There's the formal ball.

And the luncheon.

And, oh, did I mention

the fundraiser next week?

It's gonna be a carnival!

Look out!

Your brother promised to be there,

so remind him when you see him.

Oh, my little girl.

You're finally gonna be a lady!

Are you sure I can do this?!

Oh, yeah. Absolutely.

What's up?

Oh, my God, he knew!

- I wanna go home!

- Relax. He was being friendly!

We're not going home! Stop it!

I did not spend all this time...

- It's your fault! Drive home!

- My idea?! You asked me!

- I did your hair and makeup!

- Reverse!

- I want to go!

- You're being a girl!

- We're not going.

- Come on! Drive!

- He was being friendly.

Rate this script:4.3 / 3 votes