She's the Man Page #2

- All right!

Let's run through it one more time.

Let me hear the voice.

Hey. What's up? I'm Sebastian.

OK. Now show me the strut.

Now, hawk a loogie.

I'm so proud!

- Get off me!

- Remember,

inside every girl there's a boy.

That came out wrong.

But you know what I mean.

Vi.

Be a good boy.

See you guys.

I can do this. I am a dude!

I am a hunky dude!

I'm a badass hunky dude!

Hey! Hey! What up?

You must be my roommates.

What's your name?

- Sebastian Hastings.

- Duke Orsino.

OK.

OK, OK, OK.

This is Andrew and Toby.

They live next door.

Yeah. Freshman dorm's

that-a-way, twiglet.

Seriously, how old are you?

I skipped a couple grades.

I'm brilliant.

Anyway, do you know

when soccer tryouts start?

Noon. You play?

Absolutely. Center forward.

You know it, bro.

So you play the beautiful game... bro?

Brothers? Brethren?

Yeah, I'm a striker.

Andrew and Toby are halfbacks.

Schveet.

OK, why do you have tampons

in your boot?

I get really bad nose bleeds.

So, you stick them up your nose?

Yeah.

What? You've never done that?

Oh, my... Beckham does it all the time.

- Seriously?

- Yes.

Look. I'll just show you how to do it.

Take that off and...

...whatever that is.

And you stick it right in.

It absorbs right up.

- Are you kidding me?

- That's disgusting.

Oh, my God, your roommate's a freak.

That's so disgusting.

Let's start the season

how we finished the last.

Sharp!

What are you, the runt of the family?

OK, shirts and skins.

Pardon me, sir. I have to be a shirt.

- What?

- I'm allergic to the sun.

You're allergic to the sun?

Very, very, very deathly,

deathly allergic.

We like to accommodate here at Illyria.

So I'll follow you around

with a parasol. All right, Nancy boy?

You're a shirt.

OK, guys, let's go.

One, two, three!

One, two, three! One, two, three!

At ease, gentlemen.

I've seen a lot of energy

and commitment out there today.

And that makes a coach proud.

Now, I want to split us up

into first string and second string.

You second-stringers,

don't take it too hard.

You're just as much part of this team

as the first-stringers.

Apart from, of course,

playing the game part.

Schuler.

Haims.

Potensky.

Donner.

Hastings.

Second string.

The rest of you, congratulations.

First-stringers.

Now, hit the showers.

Shower time.

Shower time?

- Hastings! No shower for you.

- OK.

Principal Gold wants

to see you in his office.

I'm over. It's done. They know.

Sebastian's file.

Sebastian...

Could it be any bigger?

Mr. Hastings.

Horatio Gold...

...headmaster.

So very pleased to meet you.

So very, very pleased.

Hello, sir. Heard you wanted to see me.

I'd like to say welcome.

I just wanted to have you in

to say welcome.

See how you're doing.

Yeah, I'm doing great, you know?

Just... busy being a guy.

Being a guy. Yeah.

Let's take a look at your file,

Sebastian. And...

Seems to be... stuck a bit.

There we go. All right.

OK. Well...

OK, you're busted.

You don't wanna talk to the headmaster.

But I won't take no for an answer.

Now, have a sit in the

headmaster's chair. Come on, have a sit.

Sit it.

So, Sebastian Hastings.

- How do you like campus?

- Beautiful.

You've been inspired by the

charcoal black and candy apple red?

- You know it.

- Hey!

Don't touch it. Ever. Ever.

Do not do that.

You know, Sebastian,

I was a transfer student myself...

...once upon a time.

Back when dinosaurs roamed the earth.

So I keep a special interest

in the transfer students

that come to this school.

Act as a... unofficial big brother.

Don't be surprised if I just pop in

unannounced just to check up.

Yeah, I look forward to it.

Now scoot!

Sorry.

- Don't worry about it.

- My fault.

What is?

Getting to know the opposite sex,

are we?

Male-female dynamics.

All that sexual tension.

It's all part of the high school

experience. So continue. Please.

But keep it clean, though. OK.

Abstinence is key. Abstinence is...

The best way to not is to not.

Yes.

Is he always that friendly?

Are you kidding? That's him being rude.

All right. Cute shoes.

You think so?

I got them at Anthropologie.

- No way! They have shoes there?

- Oh, yeah. Right by the accessories.

Here are your books.

- Thanks.

- Well, I guess I'm gonna,

you know,

go take care of some guy stuff.

OK.

There you go.

Have a great apple and sandwich.

Hi! I would love a...

- No.

- But...

Hey, dudes. Mind if I join?

Thanks.

So those soccer tryouts were bogus, huh?

I mean, second string? Come on, that's

ridiculous. Am I right? Am I right?

So the game against Cornwall,

that should be interesting.

And why would that be interesting?

Well, my sister goes there, and she

used to date that tool Justin Drayton.

I know him.

- I made him cry once during a game.

- Wait.

- That was you?

- Absolutely.

- That was so funny.

- Wow.

Is your sister hot?

I guess so.

She's got a great personality.

Incoming.

Oh, yeah! Check out the booty

on that blondie.

Don't talk about her that way.

Is that your girlfriend?

He wishes.

She was dating this college guy,

but he dumped her.

I hear she's a total mess now,

really vulnerable.

Confidence, self-esteem is way down.

- In man words, it's time to pounce.

- Exactly.

I hate that guy.

Did you know bologna

is 38 percent hoof?

Thanks, Malcolm.

Looks like you got some competition.

- It's just Malcolm.

- Total geek.

She looks so sad. It's heartbreaking.

It... it's just...

I can relate, you know?

I mean, I just got out

of a bad relationship too.

I mean, you think you know someone.

And you realize it's all been a big lie.

Every touch.

Every kiss.

Plus, you know,

you can never get chicks to shut up.

All right, guys,

catch up with you later.

Empty shower.

Yes!

I get to take a shower.

I get to take a shower.

Malcolm Festes, dorm director.

Shower shoes are to be worn

in the bathroom at all times

except when in the actual shower.

Did you not read

your Dorm Life pamphlet?

It was in your cubby.

Wassup, dawg?

Yeah. OK, homey.

Later.

Hey. You forgot... this, Coolio.

Word, G-Money.

OK, Hastings, you're up!

Hastings, are you deaf?!

Come on, let's go!

Get your butt out there! Come on!

Get out!

Jesus!

Come on, baby. Come on.

Rise and shine.

Wait! Let go!

Let go!

Welcome to hell!

Gentlemen! Let me present

this year's soccer newbies!

First, you must remove your clothes!

Remove their clothes!

Remove their clothes!

Take your clothes off now!

Remove their clothes!

Hello. My life sucks.

- I'm done!

- What?

Everybody thinks I'm a loser deviant.

I'll never see the field

against Cornwall.

And I smell so bad

I'm convulsing people.

Pick me up, take me home and make sure

I never do anything like this again.

Look, Vi, I don't know what to tell you

about the whole soccer team...

...but as for the social stuff,

I got an idea.

- You do?

- Yeah.

We're gonna show everybody

the man that you really are.

How are we gonna do that?

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