She's the Man Page #6

The next time I see Sebastian

I'll march right up to him.

- You march!

- And I'll tell him how I feel.

You tell him.

Then I'll kiss him so passionately,

that even the people

he hates will feel pleasure.

Hello, Viola.

Oh, this is not good.

And hello to you,

you little homewrecker.

- Who are you?

- I am Sebastian's girlfriend.

Ex-girlfriend.

OK, everybody's got to stop saying that.

You were the one he dumped

in the pizza parlor the other day.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

He did not dump me.

We're just going through

a little bit of a rough patch.

I heard he dumped you.

He dumped you big.

It was just like a big, huge dumping.

Are you crazy?! Are you OK?

Get out!

You are messing with the wrong man!

Get off me! Get off of me!

- Get off of her!

- Let go of me!

Ladies! Ladies, stop!

Please!

When debutantes disagree

they say it with their eyes.

Well, Hastings.

Why is it that I always find you

in the middle of a tussle?

Bad timing?

I am convinced he's hiding something.

Nonsense, Malcolm.

He may be a little lost and confused,

but deep down he's an all-American,

red-blooded male.

- Just like yourself.

- Mom, I will pick out

my own dress.

And no, I will not wear heels.

Because heels are a male invention

designed to make

a woman's butt look smaller.

And to make it harder

for them to run away.

Malcolm, have you ever tried

to run away in high heels?

- No, sir, I wouldn't...

- Not that easy. Not that easy.

Don't forget your guitar, Mr. Hastings.

Just do it.

Just close your eyes and kiss him.

Sebastian.

"Wake up. I've been waiting

for you to open your eyes

so I can tell you I think I'm ready.

I'm ready to free-fall

into the unknown."

I'll see you at the game tomorrow.

I think I'm gonna like this school.

Monique, it's Sebastian.

I don't know if Viola

told you I'm in London,

but I'm heading home a day early.

Listen, I've been thinking.

We really need to talk.

London?

Hey, brother.

Dinklage was looking for you, man.

Dude. Hello!

You know, it's... crazy

how wrong you can be about a person.

It's crazy.

You think they're one thing,

and then they turn out

to be the exact opposite.

- What are you talking about?

- You're gonna sit there

and act like you don't know

what I'm talking about?

and act like you don't know

what I'm talking about?

OK.

All right. OK.

I wanted to tell you, Duke, but...

...you have to know...

...I love soccer more

than anything else in the world,

and I had a point to prove.

What?! So you're telling me

that you used me

to help you with soccer,

and then you turn around

and stab me in the back?

Wait, what? Now I really don't know

what you're talking about.

Save it, man. I saw you with her.

- With who?!

- Who?! Olivia, that's who!

- You kissed when you got out the cab!

- What cab?!

- We were supposed to be friends!

- We are!

- You don't know the meaning!

- Olivia never liked you, OK?!

She was just using you

to make me jealous.

But Viola, she's crazy about you,

since the first moment

that you kissed her.

I bet that's part of your plan. Distract

me so you can move in to Olivia.

- That is not what happened!

- You and your sister have a good life!

"The Hastings twins

couldn't be more opposite."

- Twins?

- Sebastian?

Sebastian?

Sebastian, open up!

It's Monique!

You have got a lot of explaining to do,

followed by a very long night

of groveling!

He's not here!

Take his stupid cell phone.

Justine calls every ten seconds.

This isn't Sebastian's phone.

God! Sebastian!

- Sebastian!

- Can I help you?

- Hello?

- Viola. Hey, baby.

It's Justin. You know,

the big game is tomorrow and...

Viola.

Allow me to introduce myself.

2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007...

Nice night...2008.

Hey, Eunice.

Sorry about running out on our date.

That's OK.

My intensity scares some people.

Yeah.

Is something wrong?

Got thrown out of my room.

You mean... you need a place to sleep?

I really do.

The Cornwall game is tomorrow.

I've never had a roommate before.

Wow. Vi, you set up all my stuff.

Thanks.

- You're absolutely certain about this?

- Yes, sir, we are.

- Dude, what are you doing?!

- Sebastian, the game's about to start!

Get out of bed

and get over to the soccer field, man!

The soccer game?

That's what that girl was talking about.

Sebastian! You're next. Hurry up.

Come over here, and I'll do you.

OK, ladies, listen up.

Where's Hastings?

Euni...

Eunice! Why didn't you wake me?!

You looked so serene.

I made breakfast, darling.

Pardon me. Pardon me.

What is the big emergency?

I canceled my squash game for this.

I don't know.

All that Principal Gold said

was that we were needed

at Sebastian's soccer game.

Hasn't Viola said anything

to you the past couple of weeks?

How should I know?

She's been living with you.

Hasn't she?

- Excuse me.

- This is so exciting, guys.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen.

The biggest rivalry

in our district is afoot.

Illyria versus Cornwall.

It's gonna be something else,

and the atmosphere is crazy!

Afternoon, gentlemen.

Handshake, please.

All right, your call.

Heads.

Heads it is.

We'll stay as we are.

Good game, gentlemen.

How's your jaw?

All right, let's get it on!

Way to go, boys.

Listen to me.

We can do this. Today is the day

- Cornwall beats Illyria.

- Yeah!

I ain't got much to say to you.

- Who's gonna bring blood and pain?!

- Black and red!

- This ain't no game. This is a war!

- Yeah!

Who's gonna bring that blood and pain?!

One, two, three! Cornwall!

All right, boys, here we go!

Hastings! Pass it off!

Pass it off! Hastings!

What in the hell is going on?!

Nice move, moron.

What?

This can't be happening.

Sebastian?

Get the ball! Get the ball!

Get up, get back in there!

Get the ball!

Oh, my God, this is my game!

What the hell am I doing?

This isn't fun.

You look like Bambi on ice, boy!

Sebastian!

Sebastian!

Can I get a timeout, please?

A pause? One brief halftime?

Stopping the clock.

That's it. Stop the clock.

What the?

I don't know the technical lingo.

Armadillos. Fighting Armadillos, please.

I need... Gather around.

I played soccer as a young man.

Was it chess?

- Is there a problem, principal?

- Yes. Unfortunately there is.

But I think it's only right that

Sebastian Hastings tell you himself.

Sebastian? Son? Or...

Do you have anything you'd like to say?

I'm sorry I'm not

a very good soccer player.

I see.

Well then,

please know that what I say,

I say with a heavy heart.

Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed alumni,

friends and family

of Sebastian Hastings,

I am grievously sad...

...to inform you that Sebastian Hastings

is... a girl.

Sorry, it's for your own good.

You'll thank me for it someday.

Oh, OK. Certainly. Yes.

Excuse me. I'm not a girl.

Hello! Yes.

In fact, yes, he is. He's a big girl.

He's actually specifically

his own sister, Viola,

who's been impersonating him

for reasons which will become very clear

after extensive psychoanalysis.

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