She's the One

- Cigar?

- I'll wait till we get out there.

- You ready to go?

- Yeah, I'm ready.

Where's your sister?

In the bathroom primping.

He thinks it's a fashion show.

Come on, while we're still young.

You ever seen

such a head of hair?

Just get your ass moving, pretty boy.

Don't want to start the first

trip of the summer off with a cigar?

No wonder you have bad breath

and green teeth.

My teeth are not green, my man.

- They sure ain't white.

- Come on, ladies.

Don't start the summer bickering.

Let's go.

Francis, your brother's right.

Your breath's disgusting.

What did I tell you, my man?

I'm concerned, Mick.

Maybe it's time for you to get focused

on something. Maybe get a job.

Dad, I got a job.

That's no job,

it's an excuse to avoid reality.

Think about settling down,

sink your teeth into something.

Something to give your life meaning.

Not to work on Wall Street

with this one, but...

...how about the fire department

or a cop? Something with benefits.

Here's how I see it. Ever since

the "hairy ass" incident...

...you've been out of the game,

you've been running away from life...

...instead of running towards it.

I think it's a good time, now...

...to turn around and start running

towards life again. You know?

Can I toss this a**hole overboard?

Don't be that way. I want to help.

Shut up, Francis.

Your sis is right.

You need some stability.

You know, Dad,

I don't need any stability because...

...I'm happy right where I am.

Big deal. You're happy.

You'll never make any real money.

So? You make a pile of dough

and you're miserable.

What's that matter?

I'm not miserable. I'm dissatisfied.

That's what makes me a success.

Mickey, I meant to tell you something

since you been back.

You did right. Last thing you needed

was to get married.

Especially to that one.

The one thing to remember is

this is your life. Not theirs.

You gotta do what makes you

happy first, okay?

Taxi!

Hey, what the hell?

JFK, please.

Hey! How you doing?

I'm good. I'm good.

What about you? Where you...?

- Where are you flying?

- New Orleans.

For a vacation?

No, my best friend from high school's

getting married. It's funny.

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah.

Her sink was clogged

so she called a plumber...

...and a really nice guy came over

to fix it.

And she ended up having sex with him

under the sink.

So she's gonna marry him.

Your best friend had sex

under the sink?

That's good to know.

What about you? Married?

Me? I was engaged once a couple

of years ago, but it didn't pan out.

What happened?

I came home early one night

to find her and a guy...

...passed out on my living room floor.

Both naked.

Oh, God. Did you know the guy?

No. All I saw was his hairy ass

staring at me.

I think he was a plumber too,

actually.

What did you do?

Nothing, actually.

I left the apartment...

...got in my car and spent the next

3 years driving around the country.

Do you have any regrets about it?

Yeah. Yeah, one.

I should've taken

my frigging TV when I left.

- How long is the drive to New Orleans?

- Like 23, 24 hours maybe.

How much would that cost?

You could probably get

a cheap rental car here.

What if you drove me?

How much would that be?

What? If I drove you in my cab?

If I kept the meter running,

it'd cost you $ 70-80,000 maybe.

You could come to my friend's wedding.

I can bring a date.

You want me to drive you

to New Orleans in my cab?

Yeah. Come on, please?

It'll be fun.

I don't want to fly. If I did

and I died, it's your fault.

You don't want that guilt.

My fault?

Tell me why you're so afraid to fly

and I might.

I don't like planes.

Hi, babe.

- You busy?

- A little busy.

Too busy to maybe, I don't know,

do it tonight?

Do what, babe?

Well, Francis, I can take off my

clothes and you do whatever you like.

Renee, you know I gotta finish this.

A little consideration, huh?

How about a little

consideration for me?

You know, we haven't had sex

for a while. You know?

All right, listen.

If you're still up when

I finish this, we'll do it.

Don't do me any favors,

all right, Romeo?

I can go into the bathroom

and use my vibrator.

Wouldn't that be a little difficult?

Seeing as you don't own a vibrator.

What's the big deal with me

owning one?

No big deal.

You just don't have one.

Occasionally I need sex.

I'm married to a man

who doesn't like to have sex anymore.

So from time to time, I like

to pleasure myself with a vibrator.

Deal with it.

Excuse me, "pleasure yourself"?

That's rich.

And no, I'm not gonna deal with it,

because you're my wife.

We have sex like normal people.

In a bed, lying down.

We don't masturbate like animals

in bathrooms with vibrators.

You don't, I do. Wake up your libido,

or I'm in that bathroom in 5 minutes.

Hey, better yet, I could go get it...

...and we could play with it together.

Very funny. Listen.

Let's get this straight, funny girl.

We do not have a vibrator

in this home.

Do we?

Yo, Franny! Francis!

Better go see who that is.

It's me, Mickey!

What the hell are you doing?

Hey, man, you won't believe this.

I got married.

Let us up

so you can meet my wife.

What? Mickey!

Congratulations!

When did it happen?

Let us up, I'll tell you.

Hold on a sec, Mick.

He wants to come up.

I heard. What's wrong? Let them up.

I'd like to meet her.

It's late. You're not thinking.

We're glad you live a romantic life.

Both of us.

We got real jobs, responsibilities.

Catch you tomorrow. Congratulations!

F*** you, you prick!

Come down and let us in.

I'm letting you in, after you

don't invite me to your wedding?

Don't listen. Of course you can

come up. I'll send him down.

I'm letting him in

in the middle of the night...

...after he didn't invite me?

- You're sick.

I'm sick? I'm not the one

with the vibrator, huh?

I find that thing, I mail it to your

mother describing your perversions.

Go right ahead. Who do you think

got me the damn thing?

She knows my pain.

We had a great time

on the drive down...

...and I guess it was after we crossed

into Kentucky that we fell in love.

Mickey came to

my friend's wedding and...

...when we were dancing he said,

"It should've been us who got married. "

I got the priest out of the bar,

pulled him onto the dance floor...

...and he married us in the middle

of the reception.

I want to get married like that.

Do you have any brothers I don't know?

Sorry, babe, just Princess Kitty here.

You're stuck with him.

That's it?

Is this true, Mick?

What can I say, man?

I'm about the love.

I had no idea you were

such an impetuous romantic.

That's a pretty impulsive move

you pulled.

When did you actually meet?

Wednesday.

Today's Saturday, okay, so...

...you were married

without a best man, when?

Thursday.

So you had a full 24 hours to get

to know each other.

I'm relieved, aren't you?

I thought they'd rushed into this.

Watch yourself, Francis, okay?

Don't listen to him. He's as

impulsive and romantic as a nun.

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