She's the One Page #3

Making less money than I'd like.

Well, you were never easy to please,

right?

So, you know, you married yet?

No, he hasn't asked just yet.

Really?

Not that hairy ape who was

sprawled out on my carpet, I hope.

No, not him.

I don't blame you. From what

I saw, he wasn't too pretty.

A little on the furry side.

Do I know the prospective husband?

No, I don't think so.

He and his friends have real jobs.

From anyone else,

I'd take that as an insult...

...but you forget that I know

how you put yourself through college.

Somebody had to pay for my education,

sweetheart.

Had to bring that up, right?

Eye for an eye.

I've made up my mind.

I can't go through with this.

If you take the TV, it's only

fair that you give me back the watch.

It is the watch I gave you, right?

Yeah, it is, but like you said,

the watch was a gift...

...and the TV wasn't.

If I recall correctly...

...I did pay for part of the TV.

It's not like you could afford it

on your own:

You want the watch?

You can have the watch.

Doesn't mean much to me anyhow.

It's not the watch I want, Mickey.

Why don't we give that

a break already, okay?

A break? You're telling me that

you came here for the television?

Yeah, I did.

Why do you think I came up here?

You're so full of sh*t.

How do you figure that?

You can honestly say that you don't

ever think of me anymore?

Sure, of course I think about you.

I think, what could've possibly

possessed you...

...to take that dirtbag

home to my apartment?

Come on, Mickey.

We both knew

the relationship was over.

I wanted a career and you wanted...

Who knows?

Did you ever figure it out?

As a matter of fact, I did.

That's right. Your brother told me.

You got married.

What do you mean, my brother?

Since when do you speak to Francis?

He and his friends have real jobs,

so occasionally I run into him.

Yeah, it's a shame he's married. You

two probably would have hit it off.

Maybe.

I'm sorry you found out the way you

did. I'd like to have been friends.

Friends, really, yeah?

I don't think that would've worked.

I keep the number of friends who

lie and cheat to me to a minimum.

Put your sanctimonious

bullshit to rest.

I'm sorry.

I guess my behaving like a decent

human being rubs you the wrong way.

Look where it's gotten you.

You're the only English-speaking

cabdriver in New York.

That should tell you something.

You know what, Heather?

I imagine it beats sucking dick

for a living.

Depends on whose dick it is.

- Hey, Jim.

- Hi, Mick.

- How you hanging?

- Hanging fine, thanks, Mick.

Hey, babe.

It's hot in here.

What happened?

I know, we lost our electricity again.

Really, again? I really love

this place. It's great.

Grab a beer if you want to cool off.

I don't mean to point out

the obvious...

...but usually the fridge doesn't work

if there's no electricity.

- How is it?

- It's good.

Good. It has a nice

warm piss quality.

You're in a good mood, huh?

So, what's with the TV?

You like it?

I figured we needed a TV.

Yeah, it's fine,

but where'd you get it?

You know, it's funny you should ask.

I picked up...

...Heather in my cab today.

I told you she had the TV...

...so I told her I wanted my TV back.

Oh, really? Then what happened?

I went to her apartment,

got the TV and I carried it out.

You were in your

ex-fiance's apartment?

How was that? Was it fun?

What are you doing?

I went up there for the TV, that's it.

- What, are you mad at me?

- No.

Come on, Hope, all right?

I mean, enough.

This is one thing

you don't have to worry about.

Yeah, I know.

I'm allowed to get jealous sometimes,

aren't I?

No, I'm a good guy.

Yeah, I've heard

that song and dance before.

Does she have a nicer apartment

than us?

Well, you know...

...she's got electricity,

so that's kind of nice.

I'm jealous of them.

Don't be. He's a cabdriver,

she's a waitress...

...they have a 4th-floor walkup

with no electricity.

But see how they're always

all over one another?

I bet they have sex all the time.

Does he talk about it?

Granted, he's my brother, but I don't

ask how often he's having sex.

What kind of numbers are we talking?

Five, six, seven times a day?

I'm not telling you anything, okay?

Bet it's a lot.

Remember how much we did it

when we got married?

Yeah, sure. But honey, everyone's

like that when they first meet.

Then you get into a groove, slow down.

You couldn't keep up that intensity

a long time. You'd hurt yourself.

That's why your back's f***ed up.

Been doing it

around the clock? Right?

What kind of degenerate are you?

You're talking about my wife.

We have a problem with our sex life.

Unlike those two animals,

we have real responsibilities.

We don't have all day

to rub up against each other.

I can't remember the last time

I saw your penis.

Excuse me! What kind of language

is that? This is a public street.

We should get

some sex-improvement tapes.

Or I could get some stuff

from Victoria's Secret.

Stop talking about this,

because you're depressing me.

I told you it's...

...it's a down cycle, that's all.

What? You're not familiar

with the "down cycle"?

No. What, exactly, is a "down cycle"?

You know, in a relationship

you got ups, downs...

...sometimes you do it a lot,

like you do...

...other times, not at all.

Ups and downs and...

The down cycle.

I feel for you, man.

You're a sick individual

and you need help.

We should discuss our

apartment situation.

- You don't like our apartment?

- It's not that at all.

I like that we don't have

electricity or hot water.

I love the pink walls.

I just think...

...maybe it's too small

for two people.

We'll only be there another month

and then we might move to Paris.

What do you mean, "we might move to

Paris"? Why would we move to Paris?

- I might go to school there this fall.

- Paris, France?

- Yeah.

- Where they hate Americans?

That's not true.

They don't like stupid Americans.

Unfortunately, I fall

into that category.

When do we find out? It's an

important development in our life.

I should find out this week.

Really? Great. Terrific.

Thanks for letting me in on this.

I appreciate it.

Maybe your brother's right.

It's time for you to run towards life.

Is this what your wife had in mind?

Don't joke about that.

She's still my wife.

- Suddenly he's got a conscience.

- It's time we discussed our future.

Do you think she'd like this?

I'm serious about this.

- Where's this relationship going?

- Obviously, it's not going anywhere.

You don't get it. This relationship

has to reach the next level.

We, as a couple,

have to decide that level.

Why the sudden urgency?

Well, for one thing,

I don't like the fact...

...that you have sex with a geriatric.

Well, how do you think I feel

about your wife?

- I haven't had sex with her in months.

- I don't know if that's a good idea.

Clearly, you need the practice.

Francis, if you're afraid

to ask for a divorce...

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