She's the One Page #4

...just have sex with her

in the meantime.

Dad, I'm in love with another woman.

It'd be unfair to have sex with Renee.

Let me get this straight.

You won't cheat on your girlfriend

with your wife?

- Yeah, I guess so.

- Jesus Christ.

You sure I'm your father? I have to

double check with your mother.

Come on, Dad. I'm serious.

- How will Mom take it?

- She's gonna be devastated.

She prays at church every day

for your brother.

She says I spend too much time on

the boat. I won't even get into that.

Now you're gonna get divorced.

Christ!

She'll be with Father John

24 hours a day. Thanks a lot.

I'll have to make my own

breakfast again.

I'm sorry if my divorce interferes

with your breakfast plans, Dad.

Hey, don't get all sensitive

on me now, Barbara.

All your life you wanted to screw

every skirt who walked by.

Making all this money,

you find you can get half of them.

Come on, Dad.

What have you told me

my whole life?

I gotta do what makes me

happy first, right?

Besides, it's normal

male behavior, right?

We can't control millions of years

of evolution.

You know what it's like, really?

It's like you've been driving

a '74 Buick your whole life...

...then suddenly you're behind

the wheel of a brand-new Porsche.

How do you go back to the Buick?

Yeah.

I guess you can't.

You know what, Dad?

I'm really doing this for Renee.

I'm sure she'll be really thrilled.

Thank you.

Happy anniversary!

You enjoyed that, didn't you?

They were fun, weren't they?

They were a lot of fun.

They were also a $ 12 fare.

It was their anniversary.

But they can afford 12 bucks, whereas

we, on the other hand, cannot.

- I'll pay the $ 12, Mr. Cheapo.

- Oh, really?

You have it on you, by any chance?

No, not right now.

I'll give it to you later.

Great. Listen, do me a favor.

Not to sound like a jerk...

...but if you want to work with me,

remind me to say no.

And I thought you were a romantic.

I am a romantic. As long as it

doesn't interfere with paying rent.

I'd rather live in the back seat than

let rent interfere with our romance.

What do you have to say to that?

- When you're right, you're right.

- Jerk.

Speaking of back seats, I know a place

where we can park and maybe...

...test your back-seat theory.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

- Let's go.

Oh, my God!

She's been with her sister.

I couldn't do it.

Hold on, I think this is her.

Sh*t. Listen, I'll call you later.

Hi, honey. Who was that?

- Bob what's-his-face from work.

- You've talked to him a lot lately.

Your Scott from college

talked to my friend Nicole.

You know her sister, Patti?

She went to B.U. with

Scott's brother, David.

He told her that his divorce

was just finalized.

Who got divorced?

Scott Sherman.

He caught his wife

boning her dentist in the shower.

"Boning"? That's charming.

Oh, this is "Fatso. "

Four- eyed, greasy-haired Scott.

Computer geek tapping on the keyboard?

He was not that fat.

He was a 300-pound sack of sh*t, hon.

Maybe to you that's not fat,

but hell, you loved the animal.

That's really nice. He was not 300

pounds. Slightly overweight, right?

Renee, his tits were bigger

than mine.

All right, so he wasn't so skinny...

...but he was a very smart,

really sweet guy...

...which is more than I can say

for the two of you.

You better be sweet to weigh 500.

What is your problem with Scott?

Just a shy, harmless guy.

Do you have to compete with everybody?

If he's such a f***ing sweetheart...

...and I'm a creep, why didn't

you marry the pig?

If I'd known you'd be such an a**hole,

maybe I would have.

Guess who's got his phone number?

You? You have Scott's number?

You won't call him.

Of course I am. You're the only one

who can marry rich?

I need someone to pay

my Bergdorf bills too.

Where are you from?

No! You're my sister!

There's an honor code

between siblings.

You don't date your sister's

ex-boyfriend.

Honey, let her go out with him.

What the f*** is the big deal anyway?

Unless you still have feelings

for the yard ape.

No. It has nothing to do with that.

This has to do with respect,

that's all. Respect.

A word the two of you

are not very familiar with.

Connie says we won't last a month.

- Why would she say that?

- She thinks you're a jerk.

I don't even know her.

- You haven't said yes to Paris yet.

- You haven't been accepted yet.

I also told her about your brother,

your dad and the weird fishing trips.

Don't bash the fishing trips. It's

a tradition. Those trips are sacred.

Isn't it weird that your mom's

never on the boat?

My dad has a rule:

No women on the boat.

You don't think that's odd?

Yeah, but that's my dad.

He's from the old school.

Okay. So, what's Fran's excuse?

- You know, Franny's got some issues.

- Yeah, I'd say so.

Why are you getting me gifts?

- You don't have to.

- It was nothing.

- Do you like it?

- Yeah, of course. I love it.

Hey, what happened to the TV?

Your brother didn't tell you?

My brother? Tell me what?

It was his TV.

He came up here and got it.

My bro...? Your ex-fianc

was up in this apartment?

- When was this?

- I don't know. A few weeks ago.

- He picked me up in his cab.

- You didn't want to tell me?

Jesus! Since when do I

have to tell you anything?

Wait. So my brother came

into your bedroom...

...and took a TV. That's it?

I tried to get him in bed,

but he wasn't interested.

That's very funny.

You know he's married now.

Picked up some psycho waitress

and married her in his cab...

...or some sh*t like that.

- I know. You told me.

Surprising move coming from Mickey,

don't you think?

Wish he'd had that impulsiveness

when we were together.

What does that mean?

Nothing.

Fran! What are you doing here?

I can't come by

and see my big brother?

Sure. Come in.

Jesus Christ!

What a f***ing dump.

Hey, I like the pink walls, though.

Finally comfortable with

that part of yourself?

You can't just come in and keep

your mouth shut, right, moneybags?

I'm sorry.

I forgot Mr. Summer Breeze is so...

...sensitivo. Hey, I like the TV.

How'd you swing that one?

I thought you two were broke.

Yeah, we still are, but...

You won't believe this.

I picked up Heather...

...in my cab. She said

she still had my old TV.

So I went up to her place and took it.

It was kind of strange

seeing her again.

So you went back and took your TV?

You see it there, don't you?

You didn't feel like a loser?

Why would I feel like a loser?

Three years go by and you scurry

back for a TV. It's like...

...admitting you're a failure

and can't afford a new TV.

How do we have

the same blood in our veins?

You think I care what Heather

thinks of me? Come on, Franny.

So, did you f*** her?

Did I what?

Up in the apartment, did you

put it to her? You bang her?

What do you think,

I'm some sort of degenerate?

You think I'm an immoral skell

who cheats on his wife? Listen...

...I don't cheat on my wife.

Oh, so, you didn't f*** her?

It just dawned on me.

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