She's the One Page #6

People might read you

as less than straight.

I'm your brother and I'll

always love you, sweet boy.

Hold on a second, okay? Just stop.

Give me a minute here...

...and look at this maleness.

How could you possibly think I'm gay?

Because you don't look at me anymore,

let alone touch me.

How many times do I have to...?

Mention that "down cycle" again and

I'll cut that maleness right off.

It's not natural to not want sex with

me at least once in three months.

Why is it my fault?

Maybe it's your fault.

Excuse me?

How would this be my fault?

I went and bought all that lingerie

crap and you didn't even look at me!

Was I not working that night?

Do you remember at all?

Baby, maybe you've got a problem.

Do you think you're impotent?

What? No.

Maybe you caught some disease

or something?

Oh, yeah, that's it, babe. Syphilis.

Okay, Francis, look.

If you're homosexual, you can tell me.

I'll understand. I won't be mad.

But you gotta talk to me.

Will you cut it out with

the homosexual business?

I skeeve out when you say it.

You want to know what's wrong?

I'll just say it.

Please, I would.

I'm in love with someone else.

I want a divorce.

What?

Since when?

Just a few months.

- Who is he?

- Enough with that, okay?

It's a she. She's a woman.

She's a beautiful, intelligent,

sophisticated woman.

What does that make me?

I didn't mean it like that.

It wasn't a comparison. Don't cry.

I'm not crying.

I'm leaving.

He's not gay. He's seeing another

woman and he wants a divorce.

I need a cigarette.

Well, I guess you can

send her your vibrator.

She's gonna need it.

Your father scares me.

He doesn't like me.

He likes you, okay? He told me

how sweet he thinks you are.

There's something I don't like.

She's kind of stuck-up.

Not at all. She's shy with

new people, that's all.

He got upset when I said I don't

talk to my parents anymore.

You're paranoid. He didn't speak

to his father for years.

- Who'd cut their parents off?

- She said they were really mean.

My old man was the meanest son of

a b*tch, but I was there till he died.

He doesn't think I tricked you?

He thinks we're nuts, but said

as long as we're in love, who cares?

You don't care what anybody thinks.

You should hear them.

Who?

Your poor mother.

She thinks this girl's pregnant.

I knew her 24 hours before we married.

I didn't have time for that.

We think she's an illegal.

Wants a green card.

- Really? She's from Vermont.

- Vermont, my ass.

- Looks like she's from an island.

- Rhode Island.

Don't get smart with me, wiseass.

Leave it to me.

I'll get to the bottom of it.

- Hey, Mr. Deluca.

- Hey, Mickey. How are you, huh?

Good.

- Buying a drill for your dad?

- How'd you know?

Your mother told me this morning.

She's a fine- Iooking woman.

- Who's a fine-Iooking woman?

- Your mother. Bellissima!

Your father don't know how lucky

he is. Me, I'm not so lucky.

My wife, 42 years of marriage...

...she has no love for me.

Ah, well. That's for another time.

How will you pay for this?

Just put it on the old man's tab.

Take care of yourself.

- Fine.

- Nice to meet you.

Ciao, arrivederci.

Mickey, say hello to your mother, huh?

You're really a jackass.

- I had to tell her.

- At my birthday dinner!

She's off to see Father John.

She'll be gone three weeks.

- My laundry will be on your doorstep.

- She didn't even like Renee.

In case you forgot, moron,

Catholics don't get divorced.

- Just live unhappily and lie.

- I don't care what you say out there.

But in my house,

you don't bash the Church.

Why are you getting so upset?

You don't even believe in God.

Doesn't mean I'm not a good Catholic.

Excuse me, Hope. I need a moment.

I'm gonna go talk to him.

That's not a good idea, Hope.

Why bring up the divorce?

Don't blame me. She was complaining

about his boat anyway.

He's 60 years old.

She should let him be on the boat.

What should Mom do?

Sit here and wait for him?

It's his life, Mick.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

I'm sorry about that in there.

Me and the missus haven't

been seeing eye to eye.

Well, 34 years we've been together.

I guess things change.

Mickey tells me you kids

are moving to Paris.

I'm going to the Sorbonne.

- How come?

- For my Ph.D.

Yeah, you look French. European.

- Or maybe from one of the islands.

- Oh, yeah? What islands?

Oh, I don't know.

- So where are you from?

- Vermont.

- So you're an American citizen.

- Yeah.

You know, it's funny,

Mrs. Fitzpatrick, my wife...

...when she found out Mickey got

married, she was understandably upset.

She thought it might be a shotgun

wedding, since we'd never seen you.

Anything you want to tell me?

- No.

- Lf you're pregnant, that's fine.

I always thought it'd be nice

to have a few grandkids.

Thought maybe Franny and Renee would

give me some, but it didn't work out.

- What about you?

- Thanks, but no, I'm not pregnant.

- And you are an American citizen?

- The last time I checked.

I thought so.

Tell me where you got it.

- Why?

- Just tell me.

- I told you, it was a gift.

- I know. From who, though?

- What's the big deal? It's a watch.

- It looks like one I used to own.

- What does that mean?

- Just tell me where you got the watch.

- I won't tell you anything.

- Francis, that is my old watch.

I gave it to Heather when I got

my TV. Now you're wearing it.

Why the f*** are you wearing my watch?

- Heather gave it to me.

- No sh*t, Dick Tracy, but why?

See, Mick, it's a long story.

I should have told you before.

I should've told you before,

but I didn't know how.

You been having

a lot of trouble with that.

The woman I've been seeing...

...is Heather.

- My Heather?

No. My Heather.

You're having sex with my ex-fiance

who broke my heart?

- I love her.

- No, you don't.

- I do.

- You don't love my ex-fiance.

- Can you understand that?

- You get this straight:

- I'm gonna marry her.

- What are you talking about?

All right, settle down!

What's going on?

Know why he's leaving Renee?

Because he's screwing Heather...

...the whore.

- Don't call her a whore.

- I'll call her what I want.

- What are you doing?

- What do you have to say, Francis?

F*** him.

I know why he's really pissed.

Don't go there, b*tch.

I'll kick your ass

for calling my girl a whore.

- She's your girl? This is his girl.

- Yeah, and I'm gonna kick your ass.

Huh, Mr. Loser-Cabdriver-

Can't- Afford-a-TV?

Let's take this outside. Come on.

Hope you know how stupid you all look.

You're grown men. Brothers!

Sometimes it's the only way

you can solve these things.

Okay, girls.

- I won't fight you, Fran.

- I know, Mick.

I beat you, you bleed.

It shouldn't take long.

We gotta do this with the gloves?

We in 5th grade?

- You didn't have to call her a whore.

- He's right. Come on.

No punching below the belt,

no kicking, and Francis, no biting.

Let's go! May the best man win.

Twenty-five years I've waited

to be bigger, tougher, stronger.

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