Slap Her... She's French

1

lions gate entertainment

girl:
we're all capable

of doing bad things.

Lord knows,

I've done my share,

things

I'm truly ashamed of.

But should my life,

so young and full

of sweet promise,

be tragically cut down

before it ever

had a chance to shine?

[Vomits]

If I ever get out of here,

as god as my witness,

somebody's gonna pay.

Or as the great

German philosopher

Fred Nietzsche once said,

that which does not kill us

is gonna wish it had,

because we're about

to fed-ex its sorry ass

back to skank central,

where it came from...

Or something like that.

My daddy always says everything

is bigger here in Texas,

even the sky.

I don't know

how true that is,

since I've never

been over the state line.

[Cows mooing]

I do know

that the lone star state

has produced

lots of famous people.

John Wayne

is from Texas;

also presidents eisenhower,

Johnson, bush, and bush;

Ann Richards,

who's a democrat

but a really cool person;

the Mary Kay

of Mary Kay cosmetics;

and one day soon, me.

I was gonna join the ranks

of these illustrious texans,

no matter what it took.

I was gonna be a TV star.

I know

what you're thinking--

why would some

supremely smart girl like me

want to be just a TV star?

The answer--

good morning, America.

What could be more

satisfying and rewarding

than knowing that,

every morning,

this great American nation

with a smile?

I never doubted I'd make it

if I followed

the path to the top

footstep by footstep,

and tonight was

a very crucial footstep.

Starla, we don't want

to be late, darling.

I'm ready.

Oh, all eyes are gonna

be on my little girl.

Oh, daddy, please.

Enjoy it while

you can, cupcake,

before time and gravity

do their dirty work.

You just look

beautiful, darling.

Doesn't she just look

beautiful, Randolph?

She looks like

a drag queen.

Shut up,

Poindexter.

Hush!

What do you know

about drag queens?

Get out of here.

I am what I am

straight out of

Cali, Cali

I am bringing it to you

Starla, have you decided

if we're gonna participate

in that foreign exchange

thing or not?

It is an honor to be

selected as a host family.

Mama, you've been bugging me

about this for months now.

What do I want

some little French tart

running

around here for?

Honey,

in her letters,

that little girl

just sounds so sweet,

and she wants to

come here so badly.

Mama's only thinking

about you, honey.

You know you can't

afford to fail French.

I know.

I just don't have time

to be entertaining

some foreigner.

And besides, we pulled

their ungrateful French butts

out of 2 world wars.

Isn't that enough?

Now, starla, I want

you to remember--

there's no shame in not

winning the beauty pageant.

It's not a beauty pageant.

It's a celebration

of all that it means

to be a modern woman--

charm, class,

and sophistication.

[Music playing]

Beef, it beats

any vegetable

beef, mmm,

it tastes incredible

beef,

nothing's indigestible

about beef

beef, it's what's for dinner

every day...

It's the little things

she does.

Look at her eyebrows

when she sings "beef."

Here it comes.

...no to beef

Isn't that darling?

"Beef." See it?

[Whispering] what?

I don't like this

Japanese music.

It's Mozart.

No, smarty.

Mozart played

the piano.

Kyle, you know you're not

supposed to be in here.

I just came by to wish

my best babe luck.

Oh, thank you.

But I won't need it.

All that's left is

the interview portion,

and there's no way

i can lose.

No matter what they ask,

I'm gonna bring up god.

Then me and you can do

some celebrating.

Woman:
places, ladies.

Let's tuck and stuff it.

Go get 'em, sweetie.

Makeup!

The very first

miss splendona beef,

former Dallas cowboy

cheerleader,

and current

pageant coordinator,

miss Kimmy sue

Caldwell sprinkle.

Thank you.

Announcer:

and our 3 finalists!

Kimmy sue:
I will ask

each finalist one question,

beginning with

Ashley lopezi Lopez.

[Applause]

Ashley, do you think

it's possible

for a woman

to have a career

and still be a good

homemaker and caregiver?

I think anything

is possible

as long as you have

faith in the lord!

[Cheering and applause]

I love you, Jesus!

[Applause continues]

That tramp.

She played the god card.

Kimmy sue:

And finally,

our final finalist,

a fine young lady,

starla Grady.

[Applause]

Starla, if you

had to sum up

your personal

philosophy

in one word,

what would it be?

Community.

This world

would be better off

if we didn't spend

so much time on our knees,

worshipping

at the altar of self.

Now, I admit,

i have enjoyed

enormous success

as an individual.

Yes, I was

a junior intern

for the Texas state legislature

2 summers in a row.

Of course

my peers voted me

most likely to wind up

in people magazine.

But all of these

accolades mean nothing

if I'm not servicing

my community.

[Light applause]

And gosh, I'm just

so darn proud of splendona,

I want the whole

world to know

what a very special

community we live in.

And so, in the spirit

of global warming,

my family, the Arnold gradys

of mockingbird Lane,

have decided to host

splendona's first-ever,

all the way from Paris, France,

foreign exchange student!

[Loud applause]

Well, she's locked

this one up.

[Moo]

Starla:
gosh, I wonder

what she'll be like.

Bootsie:
well, I'm sure

she'll just be darling.

Oh, my gosh!

Here they come!

I'm so excited!

[French accent]

Hello. I am Genevieve.

Bonjour!

bonjour!

[Loudly]

in honor of your visit,

we learned

a little French culture.

Arnie, would you

like to start?

Start what?

The thing...

Oh, right.

Libert.

Egalit.

Ennui.

That is not the word

that we agreed upon.

If that is some kind

of French profanity,

Randolph Scott Grady,

i swear--

it means "boredom

unto death."

Oh. well,

then that's ok.

Everybody wave

to the camera now.

Smile!

smile, everybody!

Here she is.

Isn't she cute?

All right,

that's enough.

Man:
runnin' from the rat race

just as fast as I can

take off my tie

so I can breathe

me, I'm going

where the fresh air...

Mon dieu.

It is like a castle.

It is so huge.

Just wait till you

see what's inside.

Walk in the country

with me

watch the sun

sinking down on the trees

Surprise!

surprise!

Ha ha ha!

Come on.

We're having fun.

Isn't she precious?

Hi. how are you?

Good to see you.

Thank you for coming.

Isn't she just adorable?

Starla, you have

so many friends.

Yeah. well, it's

a blessing and a curse.

With trend-setting

comes responsibility.

Hi. how are you?

Good to see you.

And get you introduced.

Randolph, get the luggage.

Genevieve, these are

my 2 best friends in the world--

Ashley Lopez

and Tanner Jennings.

So, this is our little

French visitor?

Oui. that means yeah.

It's what hip people

in France say.

Oh.

oh.

[Loudly] do you

speak American?

She's French, Tanner,

not deaf.

Want a ciggie?

Oh...no,

i do not smoke.

I thought all

you Europeans

smoked

like chimneys.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes