Something's Gotta Give Page #5

---

- Julian, can I ask you something?

- Anything.

How old are you?

I'm 36.

So I am almost 20 years

older than you.

That's a lot of years to be older

than somebody, don't you think?

I don't think it matters at all.

- You don't?

- I don't.

Okay, but...

But in terms of us, you just...

You just want us to be friends, right?

Honestly? No.

- So, what do you want to be?

- I'd embarrass you if I told you.

I was embarrassed

just getting dressed to see you.

This may surprise you, but some

women consider me quite the guy.

I've never been married, I'm a doctor.

You wouldn't believe what catnip

that is for some women.

Yes, I would. It's just...

Don't you like girls your own age?

I do, but I've never met one

I've reacted to...

...quite like this.

And when something happens to you

that's never happened to you before...

...don't you have to find out

what it is?

I don't know. This is an area

that's a little tricky for me.

See, I don't really date all that much

or all that well.

Come on. You must beat

them away with a stick.

- You're kidding, right?

- No.

No! Men my age, or at least

the ones I've met, well...

I'm not that regular of a person,

and they really like regular.

Men your age may be really stupid.

Did you ever think of that?

Yes, I have. Many times.

I knew you'd smell good.

It's just soap.

- Erica, you're incredibly sexy.

- No.

Swear to God, I'm not.

I'm back!

Have fun?

It was interesting.

Good night, Harry.

Good night.

Just get rid of that. That's good.

"Harry37. What are you doing?"

Harry37?

"What are you doing?"

Writing. Hi. What are you doing?

Of course. Relentless.

Watching Joan Rivers sell jewelry.

"So was your date a date?"

Yeah, I think so.

I don't understand how

he knows everything.

I'm in my P.J.s.

In her P.J.s.

"Pajama party. "

Oh, man.

We are cute.

This is pretty unusual for me.

I'm not used to having sleepovers.

Me either.

Really? With your social life?

My dear, you're confusing sex

with sleeping.

Sleeping is something

that I prefer to do alone.

Okay. Good to know.

- What are you hungry for?

- What are my choices?

I mean, I know you think I'm not

very discriminating when it comes to...

Oh, please. What difference

does it make what I think of you?

I can't even imagine

what you think of me.

Okay. Pancakes, pasta,

leftover coq au vin.

- Grilled cheese?

- Pancakes.

Totally what I wanted.

You ever miss being married?

- Bet you were great at it.

- Sometimes.

At night. But not that much anymore.

Was one of us just saying

something interesting?

You said you can't imagine

what I think of you.

- You don't have to answer that.

- Okay.

I mean, if you had an opinion,

I'd be curious.

Will you tell me first why you

only miss being married at night?

The phone doesn't ring

that much at night...

...and the whole alone thing

happens at night.

Sleeping by myself took getting

used to, but I got the hang of it.

You gotta sleep in the middle.

It's not healthy to have a side

when no one has the other side.

Now I'm convinced that

what I think about you is right.

You're a tower of strength.

Try not to rate my answer.

- I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry, but...

- You know what you're like?

You're like one of those great portraits

you see over a fireplace.

Words have been invented

to describe women like you.

Such as?

Flinty.

And...

...impervious.

- So you think I'm inhuman?

- No. I think you're formidable.

Cold, distant, like I'm frozen

in some painting?

Not at all.

But I do think you use your strength

to separate yourself from everyone.

But it's thrilling when

your defenses are down...

...and you're not isolated.

That, I believe, is your winning combo.

Killer combo, actually.

You know, I can't decide if, God,

do you hate me?

Or if you're the only person

who ever really got me.

I don't hate you.

- You don't?

- No.

Mom?

- Surprise!

- Well, hi!

- Room service.

- What are you doing here at this hour?

I had this big benefit. I went out with

friends, then checked my messages...

...and I got this so sad phone call

from Harry.

So bored out here, so I figured

I should come see how you're doing.

Thank you so much for the gorgeous

flowers, by the way. They're so huge.

It's a pleasure.

That is so sweet.

You guys are making pancakes?

You're in your P.J. S!

I feel like I'm interrupting!

Don't be silly. You know I never sleep.

This one doesn't sleep either.

Hello?

No, I'm here, babe.

I made record time.

Is everybody still there?

Okay.

Yes.

Okay, bye.

Since you're here, why don't you finish

the pancakes and I'll get back to work.

Mom, I just got here. By the way,

Dad totally stood me up today.

We were supposed to have lunch

and he never showed up.

- Was he always like this?

- I don't know.

That happens when

a couple gets divorced.

The kid inherits all the problems.

Not that I'm a kid.

- How are you? How are you feeling?

- Well...

So tell me. When can you go home?

I really am gonna do a little work,

so why don't you just finish this...

...and you two catch up.

You know how to fix these.

You don't want pancakes anymore?

I don't.

No. I don't.

I'm breaking up with Harry.

- What do you mean? Why?

- Because I met someone else.

- In the two days you've been gone?

- My life is crazy.

I meet a thousand new people

every day. Besides, let's face it.

He's insanely too old for me.

- I'd be nuts to keep this thing going.

- True.

But you know, he's...

I know. He's soulful

when you don't expect it.

Oh, my God. It's unnerving!

Mom, listen.

I was thinking, if you could

handle this, you and Harry.

I can't handle it,

wouldn't want to handle it.

You're only saying that because

you think that he and I have had sex.

Lower your voice!

- Haven't you?

- Never, not even close, I swear to God.

I'm saying this because for two people

convinced they've got life beat...

...there was something cooking

in the kitchen other than pancakes.

I waited a reasonable amount

of hours before calling...

...even though you've been on

my mind since I woke up at 5:15.

When could we have dinner again?

I have to work the next few nights.

If we wait too long, you'll chicken out.

So how's Friday?

It's a date night,

but that's a good thing.

Who is this?

I'm kidding.

Funny.

- Can you meet me at The Grill at 8?

- Okay. Yes. Seems fine.

I look forward to seeing you too.

- He's all yours.

- Stop that. How'd he take it?

He just took care of it for me.

He was an ace.

Elegant. He said our fate

was to be friends.

Oh, my God.

He was breaking up with me.

I didn't even...

- He's a genius.

- That's not possible. He wouldn't.

He absolutely did.

And you know what?

It doesn't matter, because we're done

and we both feel fine about it. Okay?

Clean slate.

I gotta go.

Okay.

Now, Erica. Try to think of this...

...as the absolute smartest thing

you've ever done for yourself.

Candles?

Romantic.

- I'm sorry, I...

- For what?

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote